|March 4th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We're a day late after battling a burst water pipe here in the Schizo Bunker, discuss enough sex-related items to get our own show on Cinemax, and wonder if anyone's interested in our Black Helicopters; The Motion Picture screenplay now that Crop Circles got picked up.
Seems Amy Fisher will *not* be appearing Opposite Tonya Harding on this Celebrity Boxing thingie. Probably because she got tired of fielding joke questions from would-be wits about Lead Pipes and Hubcaps.
Her replacement? Paula Jones. Meaning the wags will now cut lose with their "Blow by Blow" and "Watch the plastic nose" jokes...
Ya know, why doesn't Britney just cut through the crapola and record a song named Do Me, Do Me Now?
Note to HBO; Monica; Black and White. Why? Not to drag politics into it, but why the hell, at this point in time, do we really care what Monica has to say about anything? She got her 15 minutes of fame, she got her Handbag Signature Collection, and we've already heard all the crapola about "Male Dominated Society". So, seriously, what purpose did this serve besides supposedly fulfilling some sort of Woman's History Month Broadcast Requirement?
Or was this to titillate people waiting for the Real Sex reruns with the possibility of Oral Sex details?
From our Oh, Yeah, Right file; Whoopi Goldberg recently revealed in an interview that she got her stage name from her habit of farting a lot, which caused friends to call her "Whoopi" as in Whoopee Cushion. Uh huh. If there's one thing we've learned from E!, it's that the cuter a Hollywood "Insider" story is, the less likely it is to be true.
Of course, the other thing we've learned is that Joan Rivers has *got* to have some real good blackmail material on someone, because we can't find any other reason why her and her offspring still get to wander around and annoy celebs during the Emmy coverage.
So, does anything good ever happen to women on Lifetime Original Movies? We mean as the Plot, not in the last 5 minutes where the Rapist/Abusive Husband/Sexual Harassing Boss/Woman Sleeping With Heroine's Husband finally Gets What's Coming To Them.
David Letterman is reportedly in talks with ABC to move his Talk Show over there, meaning that Nightline would probably end up either canned, or put on at 3 in the morning. This has upset a lot of people, including Ted Koppel, who might be forced to go out and do actual news instead of sitting in a studio reading questions off of cue cards and watching people from differing ends of the Political Spectrum attempt to shout each other down. And he's right to be upset. God Forbid we should lose one of the 8000 "News Analysis" shows that are on the air now, because otherwise people might have to actually form their own opinions about the News Of The Day, and not just borrow one from a Talking Head.
Note to the News Agencies; Ok, so Anne Heche had her baby. Good for her. But you know, now that Anne has kinda backed off the whole "Look at me! I'm a LESBIAN, HONEST!" thing, you really don't have to do any more politically-correct play-by-play of her life.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The American Legal System will be shaken to it's very foundations after a suspect, at the beginning of his trial, stands up in court and says "I'm guilty, Your Honor. And it's because I'm A Bad Person. It's not because I'm poor, or because of My Parents, or because of Society at all. The police didn't beat this confession out of me, and in fact treated me as I deserve to be treated. I'm very sorry, and I'd like to save the State the expense of this trial and begin serving my sentence, please." What follows will be a series of councils trying to decide exactly what to do with people using this new type of Insanity Defense.
Odd Little Fact; Just for the hell of it, we fed "Crapwell" into Google. Turns out it's an actual Last Name, which we're pretty sure translates in it's Native Language into "He Who Is Asked "Very Funny. Now, Want To Tell Me Your Real Last Name?" By All".
From the Heinz people, who brought you the Green and Purple Ketchup, comes; Cocoa-Flavored French Fries. Along with it's sister flavor, Cinnamon-And-Sugar French Fries. You know, someone might really want to investigate the Heinz company to see if maybe someone's trying to pull some kind of Stock Manipulation scheme with all this oddball crapola they're coming out with.
And a Moment of Silence for Spike Milligan, one of the greats of British Comedy, who passed on last week. Spike, along with Peter Sellers, Michael Bentine and Harry Secombe, developed The Goon Show, which gave British comedy that unique flavor which most people think originated with Monty Python. For those who still aren't quite grasping this, pretend this is the Obit for the guy who helped found Second City.
Special note for people who really have no idea who Spike is, but felt obligated to comment about him; It's "Milligan", not "Mulligan", dammit!
For anyone who ever doubted the existance of God, take as proof the Fact that Dennis Miller is out as one of the Announcers on Monday Night Football, after spitting chewed-up pieces of the World Almanac at hapless football fans for 2 years. Almost makes us want to forgive ABC for Dharma & Greg. Almost.
Chalk up the fact that he's being replaced by John Madden as one of those "God's Testing Us" things...
"@ BK You Got It?"? Someone wanna tell Burger King that the " '@' as replacement for 'at' in Mottos, because it's so Internet-y" routine died out a couple years ago?
Note to Cartoon Network; We realize you needed a quick replacement for Cowboy Bebop on Adult Swim, seeing as how you've moved it to the Anime Version of Swim on Saturday Nights. But, do Rocky And Bullwinkle and Popeye really count as suitable replacement Adult Entertainment?
Besides, the "Only people Over 18 should be watching", in juxtaposition with the "G" Rating Bug showing on the screen, is a tad...odd.
And for those who are still wondering where Harvey Birdman, Attorney At Law is, think we have our answer; It's cheaper and easier to buy failed "Adult" cartoons from other networks than it is to make your own. Which is a shame, because we were looking forward to the "Shaggy And Scooby Get Busted For Possession" episode...
Actual message found on the inside of a carton of Marshmallow Eggs we picked up; "Part of the Proceeds from the sales of this product will go to the 9/11 Victims Fund". Okay, the "Buy our product or you don't love AMERICA" routine has really moved beyond Amusing, Sad, and even Revolting.
The Swedish Olympic Team is being investigated, after Blood Transfusion equipment was found left behind in their living area. Seems a Blood Transfusion gives the body a little Jump-Start, and is a Bozo-No-No in the Olympics. Maybe it's just us, but we think we'd be just a *tad* insulted to know that our Coaches and Sponsors were spending time trying to find ways for us to Cheat.
Signs, or Yeah, We Made A Movie About Crop Circles. What, You Want Maybe Instead Some More "Buddy Cop" Or "Alien/Predator Rip-Off" Films?
We're sure Bil Dwyer, on Comedy Central's BattleBots, doesn't say "No, I don't think I sound or act anything like Dennis Miller, and I'm sure that's not why I was hired for this." about a dozen times a week...
Clockstoppers, or The Girl, The Gold Watch, And Creative Plot Borrowing.
Proof that there's an Agenda Of Some Sort behind Mel Gibson making We Were Soldiers; The "About Vietnam" link on the front page of the Official Movie Site, that was there last time we bothered checking.
Remember, avoid anything, ANYTHING, that's labeled a "Journey", or an "Opportunity".
Run for the nearest exit if it's called a "Journey Of Opportunity And Discovery". Something with a label like that has to involve either 1) A LOT of Unpaid Overtime, or 2) A lot of crying and hugging strangers as they recount how their troubles started when Daddy didn't buy them that Dolly they really wanted when they were 4.
Balthayzr does encourage mind-fuckery with people that do Product Surveys, but not so much that they actually release the damned products in question.