|March 19th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Celebrities helpfully drop dead just in time to provide Column Fodder, we get pissy because one of our favorite TV shows gets canned, and a couple of thoughts that came to us as we watched TV at 3AM. And remember, we reserve the right to take any fact we misreported and claim it was a "joke".
Let see if we got this straight: If we chew enough Polar Ice gum, we'll become so mentally backward that we'll glue random parts of a polar bear costume to ourselves, and run around yelling about it to random people like some bad Tom Green bit. Yeah, that's an incentive.
Let's put it to you this way; by the time you hear about any "Underground" fad, it's long over. In fact, it'll have reached that anti-fad point where you'll look like a complete moron if you try it. So, you might wanna rethink ordering that "All your base are belong to us" sweatshirt.
You know, it just wouldn't be basketball season without the "Michael Jordan's coming BACK!" rumors, would it?
Quick lesson in Economics, chum; He's making about the same money being part owner of a team and doing the occasional product endorsement than he did knocking himself out running up and down the court and being away from his family for weeks at a time. You figure out which one *you'd* rather do.
"No salesman will call" :translation: "We don't call our phone solicitors "salesmen" any more".
We really need to come up with an expression for a dream that's not scary like a nightmare, but is just so weird-ass that you spend the rest of the night sitting up wondering if there's something seriously wrong with you, mentally.
Never, ever ask a Soap Fan why something's just happened on a soap. You will not find the answer helpful in the least. (Sam just slept with Charlie's wife! That's why Michael is chasing Chester's horse around with an ax!).
Ken, Barbie's perennial boyfriend, is 40 this year. And, according to Mattel's website, he has a last name, and a zodiac sign, and all sorts of stuff. And you're more than welcome to go there and find all this wonderful information out, because we stopped reading when it became apparent to us that Mattel still isn't admitting that Ken is Barbie's pimp.
As you by now know, Puffy was found innocent of all charges this past week. Feel free to insert your favorite O.J./Johnnie Cochran joke here.
Might we suggest one of the thousands of the "If he didn't shoot, you must let him scoot" Cochran poems we received in our e-mail, or maybe Puffy swearing to spend all his time hunting for the Real Shooter. Because that stuff *never* gets old.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2076, The last Star Trek Series "Sanitation Squadron 12", is cancelled after 5 episodes that set records for the lowest ratings ever. It will be discovered that even the most hard-core Trek fan has finally gotten tired of Holodeck problems, unimaginatively designed aliens that look like humans with bumpy skulls, visits from the Borg, and Ideological Preaching pretending to be plotlines and has gone outside in search of a Life.
Incoming Clue Alert: No matter how pretty they are, Throw Rugs are *NOT* meant to be hung up on your wall. If you must display them, fold them so the main part of the picture shows, and hang them over the back of your couch. Still a bit white-trashy, but at least you don't have a Floor Covering on your damn Wall.
Why the hell is Hudson Hawk on Showtime about 800 times this month? Bruce Willis die? Or did Demi Moore get her Alimony Payments increased?
Scariest News This Week; One of the hottest fashion Trends these days is expensive purses made to look like Bowling Bags, and 300 dollar Italian shoes crafted to look like Rental Bowling Shoes.
Second Scariest News This Week; We, for some reason we haven't quite figured out yet, were reading the Fashion section of the paper.
Judging from the Trailers we've seen on TV, we get the feeling that the Josie and the Pussycats movie isn't gonna feature any monsters or mad scientists or aliens chasing the girls around.
Hell, we don't even remember seeing Sebastian the snickering cat. C'mon guys, no one's gonna go see this just to see 3 girls in tiny, skin-tight costumes hanging around togeth....uh, wait a second. Never mind.
Maybe your life hasn't turned out for the best if you've ever listed "Taking Mall Surveys" as an Income Source.
Speaking of Malls; You know, you ain't doing your kids any favors looking the other way while they scoop coins out of the mall fountains. You *do* know most malls donate those coins to charity, right?
A Moment Of Silence for Glenn Hughes, the "Biker" from the Village People, who passed away this weekend at the age of 50. From Lung Cancer. Shame on you for what you were thinking.
Both MTV and VH1 have sworn to only show Madonna's latest video "What It Feels Like To Be A Girl" one time. Because of it's violent content, not because they've suddenly developed musical taste or anything.
And it's supposedly true: WCW is on the ropes (Ooh, *that* was bad). Not only has the sale of the company apparently fallen through, but Turner Broadcasting has cancelled all their wrestling television shows, because "We've worked hard to establish TBS and TNT as Upscale channels, and wrestling just isn't upscale (the press release repeats the "we are Upscale" bit about 50 times in 20 lines, like one of those mantras you get out of Self-Help Books). And in reply, we say; Oh, yeah, Upscale. We wouldn't want wrestling to get in the way of such Upscale stuff as 24-hour Dirty Dancing marathons or endless re-runs of cancelled TV series.
Sorry, did that come across as a tad bitter or sarcastic? Good. We'd hate to think we were being too subtle for Ted "I didn't mean anything bad with that "Jesus Freak" remark" Turner.
Speaking of wrestling, Note to Vince McMahon: Next time you appear on a sports talk show to speak seriously about the XFL, leave your "Mr. McMahon" wrestling persona at home.
"This is an Investment Opportunity that offers you Financial Independence" :translation: "Send us money. We'll send you a slick-looking pamphlet, maybe with a videotape that features Unsolicited Comments from people Who Are Not Paid Actors, Honest. And don't forget to read the micron-high Disclaimer where we claim this Plan doesn't work For Everyone, which keeps the various Anti-Fraud Agencies off our backs.".
Your Technology Buzzword this time is "Bluetooth". It has to do with Wireless Technology. Work it into daily conversations to make yourself look tech-savvy and Geek-chic.
Is it wrong that we look at women with those fancy 5-inch fingernails, and the first thing that crosses our minds is wondering how they, shall we say, handle bathroom-related hygiene practices?
Several recent news stories have reported that the woman who plays "Po" on the TeleTubbies has done a soft-core porn movie featuring her in several lesbian love scenes. And we'd like to thank all these news agencies for putting the vile image of TeleTubbie Orgies in our heads. Pass the skull-drill, please...
Another Moment Of Silence for John Phillips, prolific songwriter and co-founder of The Mamas And The Papas, who passed away over the week-end. Let the Ham Sandwich jokes begin...now.
And if you don't understand the above joke, you're probably too young or unkewl to remember The Mamas And The Papas anyway, so explaining it to you won't make it any more amusing. Hell, we understand it, and *we* don't find it that amusing...
Balthayzr already knows the Ham Sandwich story, how it had little if anything to do with John, and how it's not true. Go find something important to complain about.