Schizotrichia by Balthayzr

August 14th, 2000
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December 27th, 1999
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August 21th, 2000

Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: It's Death Warmed Over, as we discuss Funerals, Certain Russian Subs, and the Braindead that make life so much fun, but yet so infuriating at the same time.

Incoming Clue Alert: When visiting a sick friend or relative who has a bucket sitting by his bed, never, NEVER sit anywhere between him and that bucket.

And if you do, make sure you're not wearing anything that's Dry Clean Only.

Best advice we ever got from Tech Support: Never install any program that you're not going to use, because it's just one more thing that has the possibility of Screwing Up Your System.

And this week's "We Report The News, Not Our Opinions" Award goes to Margaret Carlson of CNN's The Capitol Gang, for her blasting of the Republicans allowing The Rock, a "White Skinhead Hateful Wrestling guy", to speak at their Convention. Of course, ignoring the fact that the The Rock is not White, nor a Skinhead, nor Hateful in the Politically Correct sense of the word. But hey, at least she got the "Wrestling guy" part right...

Because maybe you're not having as much fun with that new game as you should be having if you're spending 80% of your time with it downloading patches and various tweaks in order to squeeze a couple of more Frames Per Second out of it.

Can anyone explain why we still have Wakes? Is it a test to make sure the Dearly Departed isn't faking? Or so lazy people can just drop in for a few minutes and thus avoid going to the actual Funeral Services?

And, judging from some of the folks we've seen at various Electronic Stores, a Personal Computer also makes a wonderful Weight Gain device.

Note to 90% of the Web Page designers and IRC Denizens: You Are contracts to "You're", not "Your". And it's "They're" or "Their", not "Thier".

Of course, we've *never* made that mistake ourselves, leaving us free to make catty comments on it...

Our favorite moments in any Pro Sports Broadcast is when the game becomes a complete blow-out with plenty of time left to go, so we get to listen to the Commentators alternately begging us to stay because the game can become competitive again at any second, and them prattling on and on about favorite restaurants and such like old people at a coffee shop because they're getting bored with the game as well...

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Truth-In-Advertising laws will finally catch up with the 2 big Cable News Channels, forcing CNN to change it's name to the "We Hate Conservatives Network", while Fox News Channel will become the "We Hate Liberals Channel".

We're always amazed at these folks who get married multiple times, because most of us consider ourselves very lucky that we found *one* person who could put up with us long enough to say "I Do".

And all you would-be comedians can stop with the "Firestone Blow-Out Sale!" jokes any time now...

If you *have* to be a complete Sociopath and beat your girlfriend to death, maybe you should have picked a girlfriend who doesn't have a dozen or so male relatives that are Chicago Cops.

We're just so thrilled that the Secure Digital Music Initiative is finding a way for folks to download and listen to MP3s over their cell phones. Because we've already got a group of morons who can't drive and talk on these things at the same time, and now we're going to expect these brain donors to drive and browse their cell-phone's music storage, searching for that latest Britney Spears single...

Oh, and the "I thought submarines are *supposed* to sink underwater" jokes have long wore out their welcome, as well...

And we're completely sure that Logitech's new iFeel MouseMan, which allows computer users to "feel" pictures that they run their cursors over, will not be abused by various Porn and Sexual Fetish sites AT ALL.

And why do folks at funerals always have to say "He just looks so much like himself" about the deceased? What, is there a funeral home chain out there that specializes in making the departed look like, say, Elvis?

If elected President, we promise to get rid of all the excess baggage surrounding National Political Conventions. By the time they take place, we all already know who's got the nomination, so why not spend an afternoon casting the Official Votes, let the candidate make a "Thank You" speech, and spend the rest of the money on something more useful?

And we're sure Indianapolis, Indiana will top all the "Best Places to Live on Earth" lists, now that they've solved all their problems by banning violent video games.

Because nothing makes a pyramid scheme spam look so legitimate than putting "THIS IS NOT A SCAM, HONEST!!" or "THIS REALLY WORKS!!" in it's Subject Line.

Of course the Remarq Usenet Service "closed down". It was free, relatively easy to use, and popular. How long do you think something like that could be allowed to survive on the 'Net?

Remember the days before PPV and Video became popular, when a successful movie actually stayed in the theatres for more than a couple months?

Incoming Clue Alert: One of the reasons that the world didn't immediately go running to the aid of those Russians trapped in that sunken sub, is that Russia has this amusing little quirk where they take pot-shots at people who get a little too close to their toys without their permission.

So it seems the Economy is actually based on half the companies in the world merging with each other, and the other half breaking up so as to be more "Diverse in their Interests". Kinda like watching the crap flow around in a lava lamp, huh?

Speaking of, Edward Craven Walker, the Inventor of the wondrous device known as the Lava Lamp, passed on at the age of 82 this week. In lieu of flowers, you are requested to get Baked and spend a few hours staring and giggling at a lava lamp in his Honor.

Time to face facts, kids: Geek and Nerd never really stopped being Insults.

TV doesn't get any better than any Live Animal being the Theme Ingredient on Iron Chef.

Half the people on the net don't know how to use their Shift Key at the beginning of sentences, and the other half don't seem to know how to *stop* using the Shift Key...

And the best thing about Professional Sports is the fact that they never end on time, thus completely ruining any chance you have of successfully setting up your VCR to record your favorite shows while you're away.

Balthayzr comes in Flash and Non-Flash versions, depending on whether or not he's wearing his Special Raincoat.

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