|September 4th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We take yet another shot at "Survivor", wish that "There Can Be Only One" would apply to "Highlander" sequels, and generally fill up 30 lines with prattle we thought of while trying not to throw up after 10 Zimas and 3 plates of warm Potato Salad.
Incoming Clue Alert: When you invite a bunch of friends over to help you move, it's usually good manners to start packing more than 5 minutes before they show up...
And by that, we don't mean 10 minutes before they show up.
If visits to Spencer's Gifts and other Novelty Stores has taught us anything, it's that there seems to be a big market for board games that are simply elaborate versions of Strip Poker.
Which, of course, begs the question: How many different ways can one take one's clothes off, anyway? Well, how many outside of a Strip Club environment, that is.
Let's hope that, if you ever need to be transported by ambulance, there's no goofballs like you on the road that refuse to give emergency vehicles the right-of-way...
Maybe it's just us, but Fearsum just sounds like a slightly more frightening name than Freakylinks.
Note to the U.S. Army: Maybe we're a bit dense, but we're still not getting how spending a week-end refueling helicopters turns people into Business World Dynamos.
Of course Firestone isn't coming right out and admitting that it might be at fault. Billion-dollar companies aren't really in the habit of saying "Yep, we screwed up, and screwed up royally. Please line up in an orderly fashion for your 7-figure Settlement Checks."
Look, when you're going off to the john, it's not necessary to tell us where you're going. Just say you'll be right back, and leave the rest to our imagination or something...
Despite what all the magazines tell you, tapping your feet or otherwise fidgeting while you sit in front of your computer for 12 hours at a stretch does not count as exercise.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Available bandwidth on the Internet will increase by over 5000% when the population at large finally discovers that "Free Download" does not mean "Free Program", thus preventing millions of needless, wasteful downloads.
Sorry to disillusion you, but having a small Dilbert doll sitting on your desk at work does not make you some sort of Counterculture Rebel.
There is no shame in buying a "....For Dummies" book so that you can learn to use your new software program or computer properly. There is shame, however, in sitting there, pressing random buttons and clicking random menus hoping you accidentally stumble on a "One-Step Professional-Looking Presentation" command.
Oh, God. Do we really have to sit and watch while the Survivor folks each travel into TV's vast wasteland for an *additional* 15 minutes of fame each, doing Soap Opera Guest Shots and Talk Show Appearances and the like? Because, if so, that means we've discovered the video version of the old Chinese Water Torture...
OK, we'll make you a deal. We'll go see the new Highlander movie at least twice, if the Sci-Fi Channel will stop showing that damn commercial for the Highlander Merchandise Catalogue every 20 minutes.
Is Body Glitter supposed to make one look sexy, or what? Because, to us, it makes you look like you just got finished helping a hyperactive 5-year-old with his school Art Project...
So, McDonald's want to see us smile? How about reasonably priced food with some nutritional value that won't give the typical consumer a major heart attack by the time he's 40? Might get a grin or two from us, then.
How many different models of the "Witch Splattered Against Wall" Halloween Decoration do we need? Because it wasn't funny the first time, and it's even less funny now that there seems to be 30 companies each making their own version of it.
If elected President, we promise that, if we perform some sort of goofy "Impromptu" Photo Op, and it comes out later that the whole thing was staged, we'll admit to it like an adult, apologize for the attempt we made to play on people's emotions, and get on with our job.
Let's get this straight: Alcoholism is a Disease, and the folks suffering from it need our love and donations. Cigarette Smoking is a Filthy Habit, and it's "victims" need to be ostracized and ignored, even though it's just as addictive. And, who's in charge of making these Executive Decisions, again?
We're still waiting for the Modern Re-makes of Black Samson and Truck Turner, if you please...
Who else thinks that watching the Gore/Bush debates is gonna be like watching someone watch paint dry?
And there's only one thing more annoying than a screaming child running amok in a store or restaurant: Seeing it's parents sitting 5 feet away, blissfully ignoring the little monster.
Yes, we surely need a sequel to The Little Mermaid, because the original movie and TV Series just left so many Unanswered Questions and unresolved Plot Threads.
Maybe your life isn't turning out for the best if your friends and/or co-workers are getting together on Monday and talking about all the places they traveled to, and all the things they saw and the fun they had, and all you have to contribute is that you finally beat the 6th level Sub-Boss on Metroid Part 4.
It seems our illustrious President is a little shy about initiating the Missile Defense System, out of fear that it may be seen as a sign of mistrust to "potential allies". Under that logic, you shouldn't put a burglar alarm in your home or car, because you might piss off a robber who might otherwise want to be your Friend.
We suppose we should be grateful for Jerry Lewis' yearly Labor Day Telethon. Because staying up for almost the entire 23-hour show makes him much too exhausted to write and/or direct any more movies.
At what point did hygiene product commercials go from giving almost no information about what the product does, to way too much information about what the product does?
We're sure that everyone flocking to see Bring It On is doing it so they can enjoy a movie about competition between plucky, independent young women, and not because they all have some sick school-age cheerleader fetish.
And no, we won't be making any "Why do we take the day off work to celebrate Labor Day" comments here. Nope. Not a single one. That would be wrong.
Balthayzr is one of the finalists for the part of the Mad Scientist in the Re-Make of "Blackenstein".