|August 28th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: It's another look at the New and Improved Comedy Central, Porn, Video Games, and other ways to push certain buttons and get a reaction. And, we'd like to celebrate Schizo's 1000th hit by saying: That's an average of around 2 hits a day! Whoo-Hoo! Money in the Bank!
Remember the Good Old Days, when comics strips were actually drawn by the guy who signs his name to it, and not written and drawn by a committee who's got the Artist's name on a rubber stamp?
And it seems TimmyBigHands, the very-familiar-looking web site put together by the old MST3K Crew, is going from DAILY to WEEKLY updates. All right, maybe a coincidence, but if they put up a Flash Navigation page, the HGI Lawyers are gonna have to break out those CEASE AND DESIST orders...
Speaking of, they state that one of the main reasons they've seemingly lost interest in the site is that they've become disenchanted with the Internet. Most probably caused by taking a nice, long look at certain MST3K-related newsgroups and some of the denizens therein.
Police could save a lot of money by simply making a list of all the really rabid anti-police people and organizations out there, and politely refusing to answer any calls from these folks. And these people surely wouldn't mind, because then it completely removes the chance that they'd actually call the cops one day and be revealed as hypocrites.
A lot of angst and carrying-on could be gotten rid of very easily if people would learn and accept this one Rule Of Life: Everything comes to and End, Sooner or Later. Deal with it like an Adult.
And no, that's not in any way a hint that we're going to ever stop writing this cra.....uh, column, so you can just stop all that celebrating and stuff right now, thank you.
Note to Comedy Central: Exactly how does BattleBots qualify as "Comedy, ripped from Today's Headlines"?
Probably in the same twisted way that repeatedly showing all 18 episodes of The Critic qualifies...
Was Mel Blanc the only person doing multiple voice parts for cartoons that was capable of actually making the characters sound completely different from one other?
Incoming Clue Alert: Repeat after us; AOL is *NOT* the Internet. AOL is *NOT* the Internet.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: One of the Next Great Inventions of the 21st Century will be a Breast Implant that doesn't leave the breast in question resembling a Cantaloupe shoved into a Stocking Cap.
Special Note to everyone returning to School for more regimented drudgery after a summer of freedom: Nyah-nyah nyah-nyah-nyah!
And, speaking of: What's the sense in all these Public Service Announcements claiming that Learning starts on Day One of School, when most of the schools don't run a full schedule on the day they re-open, and you spend most of it getting lectures from various teachers in which they inform you how "this class will be run".
Note to the Charmin Company, and whoever owns them this week: Nothing makes us want to run out and buy a case of toilet paper more than an animated commercial starring a bear having an orgasm while wiping himself with your product.
In honor of the passing of Leonard Japp Sr., founder of the Jay's Snack Food Empire, all Big And Tall Men's Shops will be flying their size 80 flags at half-staff.
Should we see a Sign Of the End-Times in the fact that Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin were involved in the Making of The Patriot, and it actually wasn't that bad a movie? Or does it just prove the old saying that Even A Broken Clock Is Right Twice A Day?
Maybe we should worry a little less about our robot land rovers operating on Mars, and worry more about getting at least one to successfully *land* there.
It's scary to think that the entire economy of Cable TV is based on commercials advertising Random Songs On CDs.
If elected President, we promise to allocate funds for the founding of nation-wide Centers for people recovering from an addiction to On-Line Games, so they can be rehabilitated, have their hand-based arthritis cured, and be re-introduced into Society.
Consumer Warning: Avoid any Erotica Movie that features the Warning Label "Models on Box May Not Necessarily Appear In This Film".
And yes, we are excited by the news that some wacko is not only building life-sized and fully operational models of the Mach 5, but that he's actually thinking of taking orders for them...
Especially since Child and Animal Abuse Laws prevent them from sticking a raspy-voiced kid and screaming chimp in the trunk as add-ons.
You're probably a true Internet Geek if you've spent a lot of time and money building a web site dedicated to a Video Game that's nothing more than a Press Release and a couple of screen shots at present.
And we didn't know whether to be filled with pity, mirth, or a mixture of both after seeing some local commercials for a "Car Title/Payday Loan" place that featured Mr. T, wearing the chains one would find decorating the electric cord of a ceiling fan, spraypainted gold, in the place of his usual tactful necklace choices.
Anyone else seen the pictures of Nintendo's new "GameCube" system, and think it looks like "My First Video Game by Fisher-Price"?
Carl Banks, the person probably most responsible for the lasting popularity of Donald Duck, Scrooge McDuck and several other Disney characters, passed on last week. Here's hoping the Disney Company continues to enjoy the Money Vault full of cash his comics and artwork made for them as he worked in relative obscurity for 45 bucks a week.
If it wasn't for "I say it's a loan/I say it's a gift" cases, most of these TV Court shows would be reduced to hiring Springer Show rejects and making up court cases to fill up their daily schedule.
And, of course, we're 100% sure *none* of them do this now...
And we're not shocked at all at the new revelations that Nixon popped pills and beat his wife. Mainly because the Final Cycle Of Life these days seems to be "Look At All These Sordid Details We Discovered Now That They're Dead And Can't Defend Themselves Or Sue Us".
Yes, Virginia, reportedly there will be a "Survivor II" this winter. And God have mercy on us all...
Balthayzr has never actually read a Schizo column himself, and thus doesn't know what all the fuss is about.