July 31st, 2000
|August 7th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We explore the wondrous world of Politics, which everyone is *just* fascinated with, as proven by the fact that voting turnouts have risen to record 30% levels all across the nation! And, of course, the usual random lines of cheap shots and instructions on how some people can stop ruining the internet for the rest of us...
Note to The Truth: What, exactly, does ripping cigarette ads out of our own magazines accomplish? If we rip them out, we've seen them. If we see them, the ads, as far as the magazine and the cigarette companies are concerned, have done their job. Maybe a better solution would be to boycott magazines carrying cigarette ads..?
No, that would never work. Then, the magazines would refuse to carry your oh-so-trendy ads for your oh-so-trendy web site, and can't have people's First Amendment Rights getting trampled in the rush, now can we?
Anyone else see the humor in CBS, in attempting to rectify it's lack of coverage of the Republican National Convention, giving more coverage to the Democratic National Convention? Yeah, that should make it up to the Republicans, thanks...
And we're guessing that the Democrats won't make a big deal out of Gore's VP being the first Jewish VP pick AT ALL...
Yes, having the occasional alcoholic drink supposedly promotes better heart and mental health. However, drinking so much that your liver becomes a piece of purple Swiss cheese kind of defeats the whole purpose...
Because maybe if you've reached that point in your life where you can't walk more than 2 feet every 5 days, it might be time to toss vanity to the winds and get a wheel-chair or a Rascal. Or, at least have the decency to not walk right down the middle of aisles in malls and parking lots...
Diamond Multimedia announced that they'll no longer be making, and thus no longer supporting, their line of Graphics Cards. Meaning, no more phone-based tech support, no more new drivers, no more updated info on their web pages. And this differs from Diamond's present mode of operation how, again?
Nothing proves you're Internet Savvy more than adding your e-mail address to a "FREE WAREZ" newsgroup-based mailing list. Because, rest assured, they never turn out to be Spam lists or FBI stings ever.
Because nothing makes an employee feel better about himself and his career than phasing out his job, and still expecting him to still perform all the chores and responsibilities of the position you just screwed him out of.
Okay, saying "(Insert Name Here) Has Left The Building" stopped being funny sometime in the late 1970's.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The Ultimate Fast Food Chain of the future will be a franchise that sells small collectable toys, with free hamburgers and fries included with purchase.
Nothing gives us more confidence in any software company than a patch that fixes 5 problems, and introduces 20 new ones.
Especially software companies that actually charge for patches, and dare to call them "Product Updates".
We haven't decided yet which is more annoying: Kids in TV commercials that speak and act like professionally polished actors, or kids in TV commercials who stare at the camera like it's an approaching freight train and mumble their lines so that they look like "real" kids.
Balding people, for the most part, do not realize they're going bald. Remind them of it daily, in a loud voice. It shows you care.
And yes, we are completely fooled by ad banners disguised as mini-games or trivia contests.
Sorry, we weren't paying attention. Did that Microsoft Internet Explorer "Channels" Idea ever catch on?
No one, and we mean no one, outside of the national "shill" magazines should be writing articles for magazines and/or newspapers about Professional Wrestling as though it were all real.
If elected President, we promise to actually learn enough about a new technology to have an intelligent conversation about it before we take any sort of stance on it's existence or use.
Gee, thanks MTV and VH-1, for showing us all these 80's bands who look like they've aged 50 years in the decade since they were last performing.
Maybe your life hasn't turned out for the best if people are opening their newsreaders first thing in the morning, and 99% of the overnight postings they find in your favorite newsgroups are little one-line follow-ups from you.
It's probably time to clean your out your place if you're checking the *year* on those Expiration Dates as well as the month.
Sorry, making orgasm jokes whenever someone uses the word "come" or "coming" doesn't want to make us laugh as much as it makes us want to strangle you slowly as you sleep.
Because we know we surely base our Beauty Aid and Fitness Equipment needs on the recommendations of actors and actresses that have had more plastic surgery than an entire Burn Ward.
Wow. Takes a lot of technical know-how to start your hit-counter at 30,000, and have your school chums refresh their browsers 80 times a day, in order to make it appear that someone actually looks at your site besides you...
Should we be running, screaming into the night, because of the news that Francis Ford Coppola is actually considering making a movie musical based on "Gidget"?
Another way to become the most respected person on that IRC channel you've just entered is to greet the denizens with a hearty "Sup, PEEPZ!".
And a special Show Biz Knowledge Award goes out to all of us who read about Macaulay Culkin's separation without knowing (or more important, caring) that he was ever married.
Yes, we will get around someday to putting up the Official Balthayzr E. Kelley web page, probably one day before we take it down to completely re-design it. That's the way it works on the 'Net, right?
Special note to Saint Peter: It's Sir Alec Guinness. Please get it right.
Balthayzr thanks God that he remembered to shave today.