August 7th, 2000
|August 14th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: In honor of the various Political Conventions and the denizens thereof, we salute such American Institutions such as Taco Bell, Crayola Crayons, and the Hell's Angels. And remember, if it's not Schizotrichia, chances are it's not Schizotrichia.
We still think Joe Lieberman is just Tipper Gore inside one of those Men In Black Alien Disguise Suits.
The time to change lanes is when the "Lane Closure Ahead" warning sign comes up, not 3 inches before the actual lane closure.
And, if you choose to ignore the above rule, please have the patience to wait your turn, and not just cut traffic off while waving a "Thank You" to everyone cursing you out...
We really need to come up for a name for the part of the political process in which one of the nominees makes the announcement that he will "not run a negative campaign. Instead, let's debate Real Issues".
Seeing as how it's probably his last commercial, was there any good reason to change the Taco Bell Dog's voice? How much in residuals are you really saving that way?
And no, we will not be doing any "I HATE THE TACO BELL DOG'S NEW VOICE" related gags. Besides this one.
Any good reason (besides "forcing" you to upgrade to the commercial version) why some Freeware has an Expiration Date?
Note to the Hell's Angels: Guns are relatively easy to get. If you misplace yours at, say, a Canadian Theme Park of some sort, it might be time to forget it's sentimental value and just Let It Go.
If you're gonna post Fake Celeb Nudes, at least have the decency to take a few PhotoShop classes so your results don't look like something out of the X-Rated version of "Freaks".
And we're getting just a wee bit tired of waiting for the Buckaroo Banzai sequel we were promised.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The next version of Tomb Raider will finally address all the concerns and suggestions of the gaming community, and consist of a 4-hour FMV movie of Lara Croft's Breasts.
Because maybe, just maybe, what Professional Sports really needs is better players and less prima donnas to get people interested again, and not goofy technological "advances" like In-Helmet Cameras, or "surprise" Commentators, or Multiple Rule Changes.
Let this be a lesson to all you Amateur Investors: Just because a business is based on the Net, does *not* mean it will be any more successful than any conventional business. In fact, it's probably more likely to fail, since 90% of Internet Companies are run by a bunch of teen-agers with enough Graphic Arts knowledge to come up with a cool-looking logo.
Nothing quite beats the very upsetting feeling you get when you sit down on a toilet and discover that the previous user's aim was off just a tad.
We're still of the opinion that 80% of the American Teletubbies audience has always been 1) Stoned college-age kids, and 2) Unemployed folks about halfway into their Morning Beer Buzz.
Couldn't we have waited more than eight months into the new century before we started in with all this "Retro 90's" crap?
And you know Political Correctness has come too far when we're struggling to make sure all races and creeds are equally represented in the naming of Hurricanes and Tropical Storms.
The Replacements: We hope it's been long enough so that you've forgotten Major League and it's sequels...
If elected President, we promise to just step aside when our Term runs out, and not numb the minds of the people with dozens of extremely long-winded speeches about 1) How terrific our Administration was, and 2) How much more terrific our party's chosen candidate's Administration will be.
Note to Taco Bell: We're sure that taco-inside-another-taco-shell is yet another Authentic Mexican Entree you've uncovered...
And haven't we, as a civilization, evolved past the point where we're supposed to be fooled by movie and TV ads that start out with "From the creators of (insert name of successful movie or TV show here)".
Because the human race has made all these wondrous technological advances, but yet can't make a CD Jewel Case that can survive a fall of more than 2 feet.
Yes, Farrah Fawcett, we completely believe you've never been spaced out on drugs or booze. Of course, that means the only other explanation is that you're *naturally* dippy...
One wonders exactly what degree of ego it takes to post in a newsgroup/mailing list "I won't be around for a few days, that's why you won't see any postings from me".
And another effect in commercials that we never get tired of seeing is alternately speeding up and slowing down the action in an attempt to convey a feeling of "attitude".
Note to Rappers: There are other camera lenses besides Fish-Eye lenses, you know.
We still don't understand why the Democrats fussed so much about that fund-raiser being held in the Playboy Mansion. Can't have anything to do with the fact that Playboy is a Porn Merchant, because the Democrats didn't seem to be too bothered by the Democratic-Supportive magazine and newspaper articles put out by Larry "Hustler" Flynt during the Impeachment.
What Professional Wrestling *really* needs is some sort of Instant Replay Rule.
How much therapy you think Madonna's kids are gonna need when they're poking around some Used Book Store someday and stumble across Mom's "SEX" Book? Or come across one of the 8 billion web sites that post scans out of it?
Note to the Crayola Crayon people: We do not give the proverbial rat's ass what people's, even Famous People's, favorite crayon color is. This is valuable time you could be using to identify and remove more Politically Incorrect colors from your products.
Balthayzr has been waiting in line for weeks for Godzilla 2000 tickets.