|November 13th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We reflect on Pepsi Girl-Mania, talk about Napster again for no good reason, and occasionally mention that Election you may have heard a thing or two about. All nicely typed up with Official PS2 Finger BlistersTM.
You realize one of the results of this election is going to be e-mail boxes filled with "Dumb Floridian" jokes...
Shower Radios. Water-resistant Electric Shavers. People don't want the Cure for Cancer or an End To World Hunger, they want Electrical Devices that they can safely bring in the shower with them.
Because, God Forbid, you should spend 5 seconds away from those healthful electromagnetic waves.
Nothing good ever resulted from a conversation that started with "Does this belong to you?".
A Growing Pains TV Movie. We're being punished for something, aren't we?
Note to the Producers of the new Helen Keller TV Movie: We don't want to see the Pepsi Girl blind and deaf. We want to be struck Blind and Deaf whenever she or her image comes anywhere within detectable range.
Now, the fact that she can't speak very much while in character, you do get Brownie Points for that...
We're guessing one of the criteria for being considered one of the "In" Hollywood directors is that you were rumored to be directing either the Spider-Man or new Planet of the Apes movies.
Yes, nothing aids our decision of which new Processor to purchase more than seeing Blue Man Group flinging paint at a wall...
We suppose we should be grateful to Adam Sandler for taking all the parts that would otherwise go to Pauly Shore.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The Electoral College will be replaced with a "Hot Guy" poll run by Tiger Beat Magazine.
Maybe messes like this election wouldn't happen if people would read more of the daily paper than the Comics and Sports Sections.
We're probably being elitist here, but we don't really like taking advice on Diet, Investing, or Exercise from a grainy VHS tape with a Production Budget comparable to how much a typical person could dig out of his couch cushions.
Incoming Clue Alert: Old Theatrical Cartoons, like Bugs Bunny and Woody Woodpecker, were actually made with an Adult Audience in mind. An Adult Audience that understood the humorous intent behind risqué/violent gags. Cutting the gags out is like snipping all the Nudity out of Playboy and expecting people to still enjoy the magazine as much.
Stop and think about this for a second: Are you really surprised by what's been happening in this election? We're a civilization that can't decide whether to call the damn stuff "Catsup" or "Ketchup", but yet we're supposed to pick a New Leader without a hitch.
Another thing that really makes a web site look professional is a "Special Thing Of The Week" blurb that hasn't been updated in 4 months.
Last Warning. Stop saying "Whaaaaaasup" before some goof decides to add it to the Dictionary, which would surely mean a trip up the water tower with our trusty rifle for us...
And we're sure, right this moment, that there's not an "illegal" Napster Patch out there that would allow a User to look through more than the "Napster" folder on other people's computers. And then download/change what they see. Because that would be Wrong.
If elected President, we promise to...wait. Not a single person voted for us. Not even our Friends or Family Members. Bastards.
We're pretty sure the appeal of Ally McBeal is that people want to be able to say they were watching the show the week that Flockhart finally reached Negative Mass and tore a hole in Space-Time.
Most of the new "Inventions" today seem to fall into 2 categories: Those that Help the Lazy in their continuing quest to Never Move Again, and those that stop Stupid People from injuring themselves and others.
Proper Solutions to Home Repair or Health issues usually don't come in Spray Cans or Pourable Bottles that come with Something Free if you Order Now.
The True Heroes in this World are the people who have the ability to instantly recognize the Idiots among us, and the Intestinal Fortitude to go against the advice of Miss Manners and tell those people that they are, indeed, Idiots.
Incoming Clue Alert: There is a fine line between being Helpful and being a Doormat. And it usually involves knowing exactly when to say "No".
Of course, being neither, we don't have to worry about such niceties.
Okay, calling your new Programming line-up "Version 2.0" wasn't funny when the Sci-Fi Channel did it, and it's even less funny now that certain other TV "networks" are copying it...
Charlie's Angels is still holding it's own at the box office (mostly with people who enjoy holding their own), which proves once again that Half-Naked Women Always Win. A lesson we can all use in our workaday lives.
Another lesson being, of course, that you can promise lots of Half-Naked Women, not really deliver, and get away with it for quite some time...
From our If They Have No News, They'll Make Some Up department: Lots of news agencies were reporting the horrifying story that Kathie Lee Gifford was BANNED from Live With Regis And Whoever. Of course, once you actually dove into the story, you discovered this was actually a sorta-Mutual Agreement so that Regis' new co-host could have time to move in and get comfortable without fear of being overshadowed by the Perky Princess. Or, is that last part the Actual Fib?
The Real Truth is, of course, that no one gives a damn.
Balthayzr thought he was voting for the new Life Saver flavor.