|September 25th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: It's creepy, creepy death jokes! It's a lot of Notes to folks who need a swift smack to the temple! It's more comments about Pro Wrestling than anyone really needs or wants to read! But, hey, at least it's not more crap about the Olympics.
If the death of Phil Hartman should have taught us anything, it's this; If you're gonna commit suicide, just go ahead and do it, and leave innocent people out of your little plans for the afternoon, OK?
Note to the Smint people: Maybe we don't want random strangers of both sexes running up to us and kissing us, ever think of that?
If you're saying "I don't want to be a bother", chances are that you're already such a bother that people around you are having fantasies about watching your lingering, painful death.
Face it, Computer Manufacturers, people buy Home Computers for 2 reasons: To download Porn and Pirated Software/Music, and to play video games. Nothing to do with Empowerment, or Homework, or Training For Futuristic Careers.
Because maybe the best thing to do with a low-rated show isn't to move it around the schedule so what little fan-base it has can't find it...
And filming a new opening credit sequence for the show isn't exactly the solution, either.
Neither is hiring some almost-has-been star that's just coming back from a jail sentence or some other Personal or Professional Crisis, in the hopes that the Enquirer-Reading, E!-Watching crowd will tune in...
You know what this country needs? More multi-million-dollar studies showing that Men and Women are Different, and do things Differently.
Is it in Madonna's contract that she has to come up with some new weird Wrestling-Style costume gimmick for herself every couple of years?
Nothing's sadder than a silicon-enhanced woman who's just posed in Playboy doing a bunch of interviews demanding to be respected as a person and respected for her mind.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: By 2071, people will all be using a new form of Pocket Organizer that uses no power, never crashes, isn't prone to viruses, and never becomes obsolete, called by the enigmatic name "Pad O' Paper".
Note to TNN: The National Network? You've known about your own upcoming "Format Change" for probably about a year, and that's the best new name you could come up with in that time?
Note to TNN, Part 2: Learn a lesson from UPN. People *will* tune in in droves to watch the WWF. However, they will then tune out in droves if the rest of your Programming is Crapola.
Yep, Howard Stern, nothing funnier that hiring a bunch of "special" people just so you can make entire episodes of your show based on jokes about their handicaps.
And we'll leave it up to your fertile imaginations whether or not we were being sarcastic just then...
Has anyone ever identified just what "attitude" is? We mean, besides being a completely anti-social ass.
Just what is the Big Deal about putting mikes on people playing sports? Like we're gonna hear anything besides swearing, spitting, and "Hi, Mom"?
Note to Domino's Pizza: Yes, we make our pizza-buying decisions based on the oh-so-wacky antics of a flea-bitten sock monkey.
If elected President, we promise that we will release all the information the Gov't has on UFOs and other "conspiracy theories", if for no other reason than to shut up all the creepy folks that stand on street corners and odd Web Sites and scream about these subjects.
Special note to people who make "He's A Fish Out Of Water" Comedies: Know what happens to a Fish Out Of Water? It Dies. And it Smells.
And Levi Strauss, maker of fine denim products, is coming out with a line of clothes called Levi's ICD+, or Industrial Clothing Design Plus, that actually has wiring and speakers and such in the linings so you have your own walking Personal Area Network for Cell Phones and MP3 Players and other electronic devices. And we're sure Airport Security and the like will believe that it's a Personal Area Network, and not some sort of Suicide Bomb, and they won't gun you down like a dog...
Ah, the Scooter. Another fad based on the correct premise that we, as humans, are too friggin' lazy to walk anywhere.
About the death of Bryan Smith, the man who ran over Stephen King last year: We're sure Stephen has a good alibi about where he was at the time the gent in question died, and we'd sure like to hear it. And we'd also like to hear the alibis of the various Hellspawns that give Stephen his story ideas and do his light typing.
You gotta say this about Professional Wrestling: Where else could these Mistakes of Nature get jobs that pay this well?
And speaking of careers, could someone please give Jaleel White one before we end up with some sort of "Return of Urkel" show?
Nothing makes a TV or Radio Station's format change more exciting than hearing them play hours and hours of voice-mail messages On The Air from people that are praising the new format.
Nobody besides Andy Kaufman could do the old "Do Some Real Annoying Act Until You Get Booed Off The Stage" bit and make it funny. So knock it off.
Of course, what's really sad is that most of the Stand-Up Comics out there that seem to be doing that act, ain't doing it on purpose...
Note to Advertisers: Scantily-clad women have absolutely no influence whatsoever on our buying decisions, sorry.
Now, note we never said *stop* featuring Scantily-clad women in your ads. Meaning we have to go out and buy enough of your product so that you get positive feed-back on the ads and keep running them. Ah, crap...
Balthayzr is busily finishing an outline for a show about the wacky CEO of a mythical corporation.