Schizotrichia by Balthayzr

September 11th, 2000
September 4th, 2000
August 28st, 2000
August 21st, 2000
August 14th, 2000
August 7th, 2000
July 31st, 2000
July 24th, 2000
July 17th, 2000
July 10th, 2000
July 3rd, 2000
June 26th, 2000
June 19th, 2000
June 12th, 2000
June 5th, 2000
May 29th, 2000
May 22nd, 2000
May 15th, 2000
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May 1st, 2000
April 24th, 2000
April 17th, 2000
April 10th, 2000
April 3rd, 2000
March 27th, 2000
March 20th, 2000
March 13th, 2000
March 6th, 2000
February 28th, 2000
February 21st, 2000
February 14th, 2000
February 7th, 2000
January 31st, 2000
January 24th, 2000
January 17th, 2000
January 10th, 2000
January 3rd, 2000

December 27th, 1999
December 20th, 1999
December 13th, 1999
December 6th, 1999
November 22, 1999
November 15, 1999
November 08, 1999
November 01, 1999
October 25, 1999
October 18, 1999
October 11, 1999
October 04, 1999
September 27, 1999
September 20, 1999
September 13, 1999
September 06, 1999
August 30, 1999
August 23, 1999
August 16, 1999
August 09, 1999
August 02, 1999
July 26, 1999

September 18th, 2000

Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: It's the Olympics! It's Wrestling! It's lots of words in Bold Type! It's the completely non-redesigned SCHIZOTRICHIA! And, as an Added Bonus, this column counts as 2 Current Events Credits in participating Colleges.

Because it makes perfect sense to scream "Use a glass!" at a loved one when there's just an eyedropper's worth of beverage left in the bottom of the bottle.

Grab your loved ones, and run for your lives: They're actually reviving the Gorgeous Ladies Of Wrestling.

Speaking of wrestling: Just how many in-house "shill" magazines does the WWF need?

Ah, the Sunday paper. Where every hack that works for the paper gets to do a Feature Article about a subject that no one gives a rat's ass about. Thrill as you read about the Mom and Pop Grocery Store that been in the same place for 90 years!

Incoming Clue Alert: When opening a new business, or a new location of said business, never say you're gonna close down your competition, or give them a run for their money, or other such boasts. Because then it just makes you look like even more of a failure when your place goes belly-up.

It's frightening to think that there are committees out there whose sole job is to come up with wacky new Marshmallow Shapes for various Breakfast Cereals.

Because maybe the brown teeth, minute-long hacking fits, shortness of breath, and coughing up gray chunks of phlegm large enough to be used as a Floatation Device should have been some clue about the negatives of smoking long before the warning labels came out.

Note to the Gore Supporters: It smacks just a bit of desperation when you're going through Bush's Campaign Ads frame by frame in an attempt to find something to stir up controversy about.

Is it wrong that the biggest thrill we got all month was when we came home from work and discovered we'd gotten over a hundred new Cable TV Channels?

And that the biggest disappointment we got all month was discovering 60 of these new channels were PPV channels that feature about 8 different movies?

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: By 2490, a massive Economic Recession will hit Florida and surrounding regions when the populous finally figures out that they're in the path of several dozen hurricanes and move to safer areas of the country, thus drying up the area's lucrative Window Board-Up Services market.

And what's really scary: To this day, there are still kids being named after various Soap Opera Characters, and....."Elvis".

Schizotrichia Fun Fact: A crystal object, such as a knick-knack or goblet, must have at least a 24% lead content in order to be called Lead Crystal.

What is it about "Lady Of Spain" that makes it the Official Accordion Song?

And we're not shocked that there's a Made For TV Movie about Elian Gonzalez. We are shocked, however, that it took them more than a week to slap it together. You think 80% of the typical TV audience remembers who the kid is by now?

Oh, yes, we'll be running right out and buying that Playboy featuring pics of WWF star Chyna. Because no one at all will be scanning those pictures and putting them up on their free web sites AT ALL.

Why do people say "You've gotten so BIG!" to kids that they haven't seen in a while? Like you expected the kid to stay exactly as he was to keep you from getting confused?

And we're all in favor of the various TV shows, sequels, video games, books, and the like based on The Blair Witch Project. Means folks will tire of it quicker, and maybe it'll finally go away...

If elected President, we promise that we won't raise revenue for the Gov't by sneaking in a new Gasoline Tax and/or "Sin Tax" every couple of weeks.

Is it wrong that we're enjoying BBC's Castaway a lot more than it's USA inspiration, Survivor? Maybe because these folks are doing it over a period of a year, for no cash, thus proving what absolute nutcases the Brits are.

Besides, you gotta love a show that features 10 minutes worth of close-ups of people scooping out an overflowing septic tank...

The best part about Dennis Miller being on Monday Night Football: The long silences that follow his comments as his co-hosts try to figure out just what the hell he said.

And what's sadder than viewers who stay up for the entire Jerry Lewis Labor Day Marathon? Viewers who stay up for entire 12-hour-plus Theme Blocks on various Home Shopping channels.

Nothing proves that you have a masterful sense of humor and advanced programming skills more than a web page that requires visitors to click-through about a hundred sequential JavaScript pop-up messages and/or windows before they can leave or shut their browsers off.

You have to wonder what kind of person spends years training for such Earth-Shattering Olympic Events as Water Polo and Badminton. Maybe the chance to adorn the front of a Special Edition Wheaties Box?

And remember: You only have until September 29th to get your Short Film submitted to the Sundance Film Festival.

If TV commercials have taught us anything, it's that people will eat anything that's placed in a shell taco-style or rolled up in a tortilla.

About all these people that write lengthy Opinion Pieces for various Newspapers and Magazines; We care about their opinions......why, again?

Because you know, the only Opinion Pieces that really matter are the ones that appear on trendy web sites.

Note to the various TV Networks: Your new Animated Series is not automatically good just because you use Computer Animation rather than traditional methods.

Balthayzr spent last week shouting "Solidarnosc!" at his computer, much to the confusion of his neighbors.

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