|September 18th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: It's the Olympics! It's Wrestling! It's lots of words in Bold Type! It's the completely non-redesigned SCHIZOTRICHIA! And, as an Added Bonus, this column counts as 2 Current Events Credits in participating Colleges.
Because it makes perfect sense to scream "Use a glass!" at a loved one when there's just an eyedropper's worth of beverage left in the bottom of the bottle.
Grab your loved ones, and run for your lives: They're actually reviving the Gorgeous Ladies Of Wrestling.
Speaking of wrestling: Just how many in-house "shill" magazines does the WWF need?
Ah, the Sunday paper. Where every hack that works for the paper gets to do a Feature Article about a subject that no one gives a rat's ass about. Thrill as you read about the Mom and Pop Grocery Store that been in the same place for 90 years!
Incoming Clue Alert: When opening a new business, or a new location of said business, never say you're gonna close down your competition, or give them a run for their money, or other such boasts. Because then it just makes you look like even more of a failure when your place goes belly-up.
It's frightening to think that there are committees out there whose sole job is to come up with wacky new Marshmallow Shapes for various Breakfast Cereals.
Because maybe the brown teeth, minute-long hacking fits, shortness of breath, and coughing up gray chunks of phlegm large enough to be used as a Floatation Device should have been some clue about the negatives of smoking long before the warning labels came out.
Note to the Gore Supporters: It smacks just a bit of desperation when you're going through Bush's Campaign Ads frame by frame in an attempt to find something to stir up controversy about.
Is it wrong that the biggest thrill we got all month was when we came home from work and discovered we'd gotten over a hundred new Cable TV Channels?
And that the biggest disappointment we got all month was discovering 60 of these new channels were PPV channels that feature about 8 different movies?
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: By 2490, a massive Economic Recession will hit Florida and surrounding regions when the populous finally figures out that they're in the path of several dozen hurricanes and move to safer areas of the country, thus drying up the area's lucrative Window Board-Up Services market.
And what's really scary: To this day, there are still kids being named after various Soap Opera Characters, and....."Elvis".
Schizotrichia Fun Fact: A crystal object, such as a knick-knack or goblet, must have at least a 24% lead content in order to be called Lead Crystal.
What is it about "Lady Of Spain" that makes it the Official Accordion Song?
And we're not shocked that there's a Made For TV Movie about Elian Gonzalez. We are shocked, however, that it took them more than a week to slap it together. You think 80% of the typical TV audience remembers who the kid is by now?
Oh, yes, we'll be running right out and buying that Playboy featuring pics of WWF star Chyna. Because no one at all will be scanning those pictures and putting them up on their free web sites AT ALL.
Why do people say "You've gotten so BIG!" to kids that they haven't seen in a while? Like you expected the kid to stay exactly as he was to keep you from getting confused?
And we're all in favor of the various TV shows, sequels, video games, books, and the like based on The Blair Witch Project. Means folks will tire of it quicker, and maybe it'll finally go away...
If elected President, we promise that we won't raise revenue for the Gov't by sneaking in a new Gasoline Tax and/or "Sin Tax" every couple of weeks.
Is it wrong that we're enjoying BBC's Castaway a lot more than it's USA inspiration, Survivor? Maybe because these folks are doing it over a period of a year, for no cash, thus proving what absolute nutcases the Brits are.
Besides, you gotta love a show that features 10 minutes worth of close-ups of people scooping out an overflowing septic tank...
The best part about Dennis Miller being on Monday Night Football: The long silences that follow his comments as his co-hosts try to figure out just what the hell he said.
And what's sadder than viewers who stay up for the entire Jerry Lewis Labor Day Marathon? Viewers who stay up for entire 12-hour-plus Theme Blocks on various Home Shopping channels.
You have to wonder what kind of person spends years training for such Earth-Shattering Olympic Events as Water Polo and Badminton. Maybe the chance to adorn the front of a Special Edition Wheaties Box?
And remember: You only have until September 29th to get your Short Film submitted to the Sundance Film Festival.
If TV commercials have taught us anything, it's that people will eat anything that's placed in a shell taco-style or rolled up in a tortilla.
About all these people that write lengthy Opinion Pieces for various Newspapers and Magazines; We care about their opinions......why, again?
Because you know, the only Opinion Pieces that really matter are the ones that appear on trendy web sites.
Note to the various TV Networks: Your new Animated Series is not automatically good just because you use Computer Animation rather than traditional methods.
Balthayzr spent last week shouting "Solidarnosc!" at his computer, much to the confusion of his neighbors.