|September 11th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Yeah, yeah, we know this didn't actually get posted on the 11th, but we don't get paid if we miss a week, so we're pretending.
Incoming Clue Alert: If something goes wrong with your vehicle where you can't move it any faster than 5 miles an hour, would it be too much trouble to ask that you pull over to the side of the road and await help, and not block traffic with your Hazard Lights flashing as though that somehow makes it OK?
Besides, you do realize that continuing to drive the vehicle in question is most probably just making the problem that much worse...
You take a nice, long look at Jim Carrey's make-up job in How The Grinch Stole Christmas and you have to wonder whether it was made to look like someone's idea of the character, or whether it was made so that Toy Makers wouldn't have a hard time reproducing it's likeness.
Speaking of, exactly how is some goof gonna stretch The Cat In The Hat out to the normal length of a Major Motion Picture? Even the cartoon had to toss in a bunch of song-and-dance numbers just to stretch it out to 22 minutes...
After looking at a lot of the crapola that's been "discovered" and released after the deaths of various creative people, we've come to one conclusion: There's usually a very good reason why certain works remained "Unpublished" and stuffed into the backs of drawers and closets. It's because the creator took a nice, long look at it and said to himself "Ewwwww. What the hell was I thinking?".
Incoming Clue Alert: An Executive Producer credit means one of 2 things; 1) The guy is getting a nice, fat check for allowing the folks making the show/movie in question to plaster his name in the credits, or 2) The guy was *writing* several nice, fat checks in exchange for seeing his name up on a screen.
It's never a good idea to bad-mouth someone behind their back, because 95 times out of a hundred it gets back to the person in question, and they are never, ever pleased about it.
Unless, of course, you're one of those lucky people that just don't give a rat's ass what people think, in which case we say more power to ya...
You think that the people that own the Animal Planet channel are concerned that their channel has gone from a tool that teaches folks about God's Creatures, to a channel that features Nut Cases that grab extremely dangerous animals with their bare hands?
Wonder how much of the Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon donations goes into research to have that wet, dead cat surgically removed from the top of Lewis' skull?
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Future tech stock prices will be decided purely on how the current remake of the original "MYST" is selling.
There is no excuse for missing the MTV Music Awards. Not that it was good or anything, it's just that, with it being re-run 15 times a day, there's plenty of chances to stumble across the program.
Is it wrong that, to this day, we're still frightened by David Lee Roth's Solo Career?
If reading the local Police blotter is any indication, seems that most robbers are caught not through any spectacular detective work or wondrous Modern anti-crime invention, but because they got so greedy that even a blind man could notice them walking around with 500 pounds of swag stuffed under their long coats.
And it makes perfect sense to spend thousands of dollars installing a Video Surveillance System, and then get real cheap and set the record mode to super-long play, so that the resulting images are much too grainy to allow you to make out any details or faces.
Note to people who write long, whiny Letters To The Editor: Uh, unless you're making some sort of complaint about the layout of the newspaper in question, there's not too much the editor can do about your problem. Nor can 99% of the people who actually bother to read the Letters column.
Duets. A movie about Karaoke. Starring Huey "The 80's are over?" Lewis and Gwyneth "God, I'm fat!" Paltrow. Just more proof that, when you join the Screenwriter's Guild, you get a lifetime subscription to Madlibs Magazine.
Note to the Print Media: If we can get more information on a specific story on your web site, why are we wasting money subscribing to your newspaper or magazine?
If elected President, we promise that our Weekly Radio Address will actually be about some pertinent Matter Of The Day, and won't be just a thinly-veiled attack against the Opposition Party, nor will it be a thinly-veiled Campaign Commercial.
Filming has begun on Jurassic Park III. Why?
Probably because there's still warehouses filled with unsold Jurassic Park II crap, and it's not a lot of trouble to change a "2" to a "3"...
You have to ask yourself, what's worse; A new version of a software program that simply adds a few bells and whistles, or a new version of a software program that's so changed from the older version that you have to literally re-learn the program from scratch...
Why the hell are the Power Rangers *still* On TV? Did Fox sign a 99 year lease or something back when the show was Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers and extremely popular for some inexplicable reason?
And, not that Michael J. Fox doesn't have a quality that could be described as talent, but we're sure that his retirement due to illness was never considered by the committee that hands out Emmy Awards.
We're sorry, we know it saves money, and it's a wise use of the stadium's land, but there's a kind of Little Rascals flavor to watching a Professional Football game played on what doubles as a baseball field, complete with dirt infield and base lines.
Someone want to let us know when this whole Singing Mounted Fish craze is over, so we can visit the mall without having several rubber trout lip-synch "Don't Worry, Be Happy" at us?
And now, a moment of silence for the poor, clueless idiots that actually think Britney Spears, The BackStreet Boys, N'Sync and their ilk actually write their own lyrics and music, and plan out their own choreography.
Incoming Clue Alert: If most of the people working for a certain Boss end up quitting or requesting transfers, it might, just might, have something to do with the Boss in question, and not the quality of people you're hiring.
Time to face facts, Bill Clinton. Your Legacy is gonna be a lot of Cigar and Oral Sex jokes, bouncing from fax machine to e-mail box like a super-ball in a closet.
And yes, we are having a great Inner Battle over whether or not to jump on the "Chelsea Clinton is dating a White House Intern" Cheap Joke Bandwagon. Must....be...strong...
Balthayzr and his lawyers spend a lot of time demanding that nude pictures of him be put on various web sites.