|October 2nd, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We once again pick on TNN for no good reason, make random comments on Tech advances based on almost no information, and caution Ms. Streisand about the nasty habit Exit Doors have of hitting people in rude places. Oh, yeah, and we mention porn a couple of times. Pretend to be surprised.
Yet another note to TNN: About your slogan, "We Got Pop"; What does that mean, exactly? You have bottles of Pepsi for all your loyal viewers? Your fathers are helping you run the station? What?
The scariest thing we've seen this week: A brand-new car with a set of Fuzzy Dice hanging from the rear-view mirror.
The scariest thought we've had all week: That there may actually be stores out there that still *sell* Fuzzy Dice, under the impression that they look "cool".
One hilarious bit that we never tire of is the clever idea of having a Big Celebrity guest-star on a sit-com, playing a character exactly like the character the celebrity played in a Hit Movie.
And another wondrous idea we need to see more of is commercials filmed in a real grainy, herky-jerky style in an effort to make them look like they're coming to us over a WebCam.
Anyone else see the irony in the fact that AOL won't let any other Instant Messaging Software have access to AOL's Instant Messenger, but Microsoft is letting all the other Instant Messengers receive and send messages to their version?
Is there a contest of some sort between the Cooking Accessories Industry and the Electronics Industry to see who can come up with the most useless "Must-Have" doo-dads?
A Swedish Clothing company, Skim, is selling a line of clothes with the wearer's E-mail address stitched onto it in strategic places, supposedly so that shy folk can get that handsome person's address without embarrassment and send them Love Sonnets. And we're sure that will be the only thing done with these addresses. Nothing naughty like Stalking, or Spamming, or Sending Unwanted Porn, or fake Secret Admirer Letters, we're sure.
And we are in NO way suggesting anyone do anything like that as, for instance, a deterrent to future idiotic ideas like this, or just as a fun project to liven up a rainy Sunday afternoon. Because that would be Wrong.
You think Urban Youth make up all these expressions like "Dope" and "Fly" just so they can fall down laughing while listening to White Suburban people try to use them in casual conversation?
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Mankind will settle the Moon by 2146, not for any Scientific purposes or the relief of Overpopulation, but because numerous additions to the Clean Air Laws make it the only place left for Smokers to poison themselves without fear of prosecution.
Note to Comedy Central: Yep, we sure do wanna pay for blocky South Park episodes downloaded off your web page instead of taping it off TV for free.
Satellite Radio for cars. What a great idea. Because we need to be driving behind a goof that's surfing the web with his Cell Phone with one hand, and scanning 500+ Brand-New Radio Stations with the other.
We're glad we live in an age where there's a pill to take care of every nagging little health problem. And other pills to handle the first pill's Side Effects. And third sets of pills to handle the Side Effects from the second sets...
It re-affirms our faith in mankind just a bit upon hearing that Barbra Streisand's "Farewell" concerts were heavily papered (meaning free tickets were given out in order to fill arenas), and that her latest album is tanking somewhat. Not too much faith, since the Backstreet Boys still walk the earth, but a bit.
Here's a bit of free advice, Babs: If you really think your career is dropping off a bit, why not drop all the pretense and actually go "do" Clinton? Seems to have given Monica quite a boost.
Note to the Fox Network: Having an all-male beauty contest does not make regular all-female beauty contests any less sexist or demeaning. Sorry.
A reason that most people aren't using On-Line Bill Payment systems might have less to do with trusting credit card information on-line, than is has to do with 1) The fact that most people barely know how to turn their computers on, much less know how to fill out on-line forms and set up on-line accounts and such, and 2) In the time it takes to boot your computer, connect to the net, log into the Bill Payment site, and type all the info in, you could scribble out a check, drop it in the mailbox, and be off playing Flash Games.
If elected President, we promise that will we understand that some countries/cities/whatever have been trying to wipe each other off the face of the earth for hundred, maybe thousands, of years. And that we're not going to turn these warring factions into Best Buddies with a couple of afternoon-long Photo-Op "Summits".
What is the big deal with crap being "Interactive" all of a sudden? All Interactive means is that the object in question reacts when you act upon it. Thus, pushing a grocery cart is Interactive. Bouncing a rubber ball is Interactive. Picking your nose is Interactive...
Okay, we've lost track: Are eggs and dairy products Bad For Us or Good For Us this week?
Best Invention we've seen yet this year: A cereal box with a small window that shows you exactly what your "Free Inside" Prize is. Certainly has done a lot to reduce unneeded stress in *our* lives...
Never put anything ON or BY your computer that you wouldn't want IN your computer. Because, take it from us, sooner or later it's gonna end up there.
You should not be allowed to come up with a name for a "new" music genre unless you can accurately describe what the genre is without using Buzzwords of any sort.
Sure can never get enough of "Blooper" shows featuring endless footage of actors blowing a line and then cursing. Because we're sure it happens so rarely that any footage of it happening is a gem that must be shown over and over and over...
Maybe your Life and Career haven't turned out for the best if the initial reaction people have upon hearing you name is "Is he still alive?".
Note to News Agencies everywhere: "E-Tail" is *not* a better name for On-Line Shopping than "E-commerce". In fact, it sounds a bit like one of those services that e-mail you porn every day for a fee.
Not that we know anything about services that e-mail you porn every day for a fee. No sir. Not us.
What exactly is the purpose of Opening and Closing scenes on News or Information programs that show the hosts chatting amongst themselves? Are we supposed to trust or respect the show more because it appears the Hosts are friends as well as co-workers?
Note to Pizza Hut: Thanks for the little blurb on your Insider Pizza Commercial "We've put cheese in places you can't imagine". Because we have sick, sick little minds, and we can imagine cheese in thousands of places it doesn't belong...
Balthayzr is very frightened that he spent that much time coming up with lines involving Fuzzy Dice.