|October 16th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Madonna. Random Weirdoes. People in Foreign Countries being blown into Tiny Bits. Commentary that could be considered Racist by Tiny-Brained Folk, but Isn't. Yes, it's time once again to play "Let's Piss Off Everyone At Once!". So everyone grab a chair, pick out a colorful Game Piece and souvenir Score Card, and get started.
No song in the History Of Mankind has gone from the "Hmm. Kind of a nice song, there." Level to the "Oh, God, they're playing this shit AGAIN?? Where's my gun??" Level faster than Who Let The Dogs Out?
There's a simple solution to the strife in the Middle East: Wall the whole place off. Give everyone inside the wall weapons. Put the whole thing on PPV. Last one's standing, their people get all the land. Use some of the PPV Profits to re-build the place. Problem solved.
And don't roll your eyes at us in such a Politically Correct manner. Like you didn't think "Huh. Might work, at that" for about 5 seconds until your Logic Circuits kicked in...
There's a very thin line between whining so much that you get your way just so you shut up, and whining so much that someone takes an axe to you just so you shut up. And we think folks would be well-advised to learn just where that line is. Because blood is hell to get out of anything.
And a really fun game to play while listening to a Classic Rock Station is "What Rap Song Did This Tune Get Mutated Into?".
Let's see if we understand this: Farrakhan's Million Family March was sponsored, in part, by the Revered Sun Myung Moon, leader of the famous Unification (read: Moonie) Church. Which means that, if you put Louie's actions and words into context, he feels that worshipping God as part of the Jewish Faith is wrong, but worshipping God in the form of a pudgy stereotypical Oriental man, and being brainwashed into selling flowers in airports for 30-hour stretches, is Just Dandy. Oooooooookay...
Of course, think of the opportunities if they continue to work together. Who wouldn't buy flowers from a 7-foot-tall glowering African-American man in a suit and bow-tie? Hell, we'd buy them in bulk.
An important lesson cable networks need to learn: Just because we like the campy 60's Batman series, doesn't mean we're going to rearrange our important schedules to watch it again...
Sure Sign That Our Educational System Might Not Be Up To Par: Several On-Line services, including Britannica.Com, are devoting space to explanations of Dennis Miller's Monday Night Football Jokes.
Isn't it nice that we live in such a technologically advanced age, where men being launched into orbit inside a re-usable space ship has become so commonplace that 99% of the American audience doesn't give enough of a damn to blow 3 minutes by watching the lift-off?
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The next big step in the "Official Soda of Computer Nerds" competition will be a cherry-flavored Pure Caffeine IV drip, complete with Heart Needle.
Just to answer all those questions posed by numerous "cute" buttons and bumper stickers: No, we haven't Hugged our Mailman, or Boss, or much of anything else lately. Mainly because we don't feel like getting sued for sexual harassment.
Quote Of The Time Period It Takes To Find Another Quote: Joan Christensen of Colorado's Winter Park, describing the effect that the early winter storms were having on the local fauna, as reported by several News Agencies; "The squirrels are panic stricken". Just kind of pushes the whole Middle East situation to the back burner, don't it?
And doesn't that expression sound like something you would say to prove your identity to a mysterious trench-coated man so he'll hand you that briefcase full of Spy-Satellite Photos or Nuclear Secrets?
Okay, you promised us Cats was going away. Commercials offering a video-taped version that pop up on our TV with disturbing regularity is *not* our idea of Going Away.
Because adding either 1) Beveled Edges, or 2) a Drop Shadow to any Web Graphic automatically makes it 1000% "kewler", guaranteed!
Unfortunately, you can't add Bevels and Drop Shadows to the actual Site Content (believe us, we tried), but guess you can't have everything...
Here's a nice, scary thought to take with you into this year's Halloween Season: There's still a *lot* of Saturday Night Live characters and sketches just waiting to become a Major Motion Picture.
If elected President, we promise to enact legislation that would demand that all people running for President be allowed to participate in the televised debates. Because watching a couple of hundred Loons trying to shout each other down, Pro-Wrestling-Interview style, has *gotta* be a lot more fun that watching The White Bread Brothers play "How Can I Insult This Guy And Make It Look Like He Started It".
And what purpose is served by a bumper sticker with type so small that it can't be read from more than 3 inches away?
If movies have taught us anything, it's this; Dan Ackroyd writes decent films, but writes God-Awful sequels.
Notice lately that all the new Barbie Activity Sets, like her Airplane and her McDonalds and such, seem to have no place for Ken? Does this mean she's finally made enough money so that she doesn't need her Pimp any more?
People that sit and stare off into space as you're talking to them aren't ignoring you. They're just possessed of brains so powerful, that the body needs to shut down all external stimuli receptors occasionally just to insure that the brain gets the power it needs to work at Peak Operating Capacity. At least, that's what we tell people when they complain about us drifting off while they were speaking...
We're so glad that Madonna didn't recover "her" web Domain Name until about a week after we devoted a large amount of space to razzing her about it. Because nothing's more soul-satisfying than posting a new column, and having Events Of The Day then ruin about half of the Random Thoughts...
And we're pretty sure the same sickos that find odd stuff to mix together for the Prepared Baby Food Industries (Pureed Liver and Asparagus?) also finds odd stuff to mix together for the Prepared Drink Industries (Banana-Kiwi-Strawberry? Yogurt and Orange Juice?).
Potted Meat. Because "Random Meat In A Can" just didn't have that Marketing Zing needed to push such a product.
Okay, show of hands. How many of you are going to look for Potted Meat next time you go to the store just to see if it's something we made up to fill out a column?
How, exactly, did bile become the Bodily Fluid of Hatred? Did we miss an important Anatomy class somewhere along the line?
Now, "Spewing Bile", we can see that as being connected with an Evil, Hate-Filled Person. We think it would be an Evil Act to go around heaving Bile on passers-by. But, in the same vein, we would hate for someone to come by, shake their head, and rain dandruff down upon us. So, why not "Shaking Dandruff"? Or "Blowing Snot"?
And shame on you if you thought that the above 3 expressions would make great American Indian names. Because we surely didn't. Well, not for more than a few minutes, anyway...
Balthayzr is filled with bile, but he thinks it might have something to do with the 3 slices of cold pepperoni-and-anchovy pizza he ate.