Schizotrichia by Balthayzr

October 2nd, 2000
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December 27th, 1999
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October 9th, 2000

Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: We feature more comments about Napster (they could really use the free advertising, the poor dears), pick on Madonna for reasons other than an attempt to get cheap counter hits from Porn Search Engines, and slip in just a touch of Politico Commentary because, well, 'Tis The Season.

Note to TechTV: Maybe your network would be a little more successful if you had more than 4 hours of Live Programming every week.

Nice to see the big-wigs at AOL read Schizo (or at least read last week's edition), and have supposedly changed their minds about blocking other Instant Messaging Software from accessing AIM. We'll take our consultation fee in half cash, half AOL/Time Warner stock, please.

We're shocked, SHOCKED, to learn some wags have discovered that they can transfer Warez over Napster simply by changing the file extension of said Warez to .mp3. And we're sure 90% of you aren't opening Napster right now to look for the new Techno Dance Hit "Windows ME".

And we've got this special message for the aforementioned wags: Thanks for giving the Anti-Napster Crowd even *more* ammunition in their fight to get Napster closed down.

From our Maybe We Should Have Thought This Out Better file: Madonna is suing the owner of, claiming, because she has a trademark on the name "Madonna", that this is cyber-squatting and the site rightfully belongs to her. In the Meantime, the owner of the site is donating it to a Catholic Hospital for Handicapped Children. Which prompted a letter to the current owner of the site from her lawyers, saying that the hospital would most probably be pursued as well. Yep, nothing increases those Album and Concert Ticket Sales like vaguely threatening a hospital full of crippled kids.

And yes, we know the only reason the guy is donating the domain name is just to piss Madonna off. That's the sort of low-down, underhanded behavior that we, as a country, need to nurture and pass on to our children.

Which begs another question: Trademark on the name "Madonna"? Does this mean the Catholic Church is gonna have to cough up residuals for all the times that word is used in hymns and painting names and the like?

Why are they re-making the series The Fugitive? Are there really that many people that missed the original series and the Harrison Ford movie and are thus unaware of how the whole thing turns out?

If that's the case, let us save you the trouble: The guy running from the cops? He's innocent. And, sooner or later, he and the cops catch the guilty person.

And you know we live in the best country in the world when we show commercials and TV shows featuring idiotic stunts like catching Live Cobras or jumping around on the top of a moving vehicle, and we have to flash Warning Messages on the screen telling people not to do these things because they're Dangerous.

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The Olsen Twins Development Company will take The Pepsi Girl on as a client, thus creating such a vortex of Ultra-Cuteness that all 3 vanish into a miniature Black Hole, much to the chagrin of absolutely No One except doctors who specialize in treating Diabetes.

The secret of writing a Successful Disney movie is to write it in such a way so that it adapts easily to 4 Mediums: The Original Movie, a Syndicated Animated Series, a Platform-Jumping Video Game, and this year's theme for the Ice Capades.

Note to Mr. Milosevic: When you've got plans to be an Evil Dictator, maybe you shouldn't be allowing any sort of Elections.

It's definitely a sign of Aging when you see a lovely young woman in a tight dress, and the first thing to cross your mind is "Geez, if there's a fire or anything, how would she be able to run?".

Another "effect" we never get tired of seeing on TV Shows is a shot, either in the Opening Credits or in the Commercial, of the Entire Cast bunched together and striding purposefully down a hallway toward the camera, thus showing they are a Serious Bunch that Strive Together. Of course, to us, it looks more like a Fire Drill...

Anybody else find that they're at their most creative when they're in the shower, or driving, or somewhere else where you really can't get to a piece of paper and a pen before your Great Idea gets shoved out of your head by, say, the lyrics to a 1960's Hanna Barbera Cartoon Theme Song?

And stop looking at us like that. We just *asked*, that's all.

Remember the days before the Internet, when you had to go out to a lot of bars and restaurants and such for months, maybe years, just to get one mediocre Stalker? Now, thanks to the Net, you can just make occasional posts to newsgroups, or put up a Fan Page, and attract hundreds of High-Quality Stalkers from the comfort of your own home!

If elected President, we promise to pass a Law that will restrict the exploitation of any Deceased Celebrity to 5 years after the Star in question has passed on. After that, all the Celeb's friends and relatives will just have to go out and get jobs and such on their own merits.

Pax-TV's Mysterious Ways: Basically, it's the X-Files, but really, really toned down so we don't give all the little old ladies that watch PAX-TV heart palpitations.

And saying 'Tude instead of Attitude? It's even more annoying that saying Attitude. Please stop it. NOW.

Note to the Creators of the Pay It Forward trailers: A young boy smelling his mother's armpits so he can approve of her odor is *NOT* the way to get us to cough up 8 bucks to see your little film.

Besides the fact that it ruined any tiny bit of thrill people were getting out of seeing Helen Hunt in a bra. Not that we, uh, would know anything about those types of people.

Why do they call it "Experimenting" with drugs and alcohol? Are we supposed to think that there are groups of people who don't know the results of alcohol and drug consumption, and are just partaking in the Interests Of Science?

It's not slightly creepy at all hearing pre-teen girls singing along with Britney Spears' "Oops, I Did It Again", especially the line that goes something like "I'm not so Innocent". And we're sure The Fathers of these girls don't feel like walking into the record company's headquarters with a loaded Uzi AT ALL.

And, as a Public Service, we would just like to say this: Automatic weapons tend to pull up when firing. Please remember to compensate for that.

We really need to take all the lovely people who call this planet "Spaceship Earth" and "Mother Earth" and other such names and lock them up somewhere. Won't do anything to cure them of this little speech impediment, but it'll put them somewhere where we don't have to hear them whine about us inhaling too much oxygen...

The Video Game Creator's Credo seems to be: When in doubt, take a popular character from one of the company's video games, and either 1) Put him in a Mario Cart-like game, or 2) Use him as the theme for a Video Pinball game.

But, at least we no longer seem to be subjected to the Third Part of the Credo: Put him in some form of Fighting Game.

One of the nice things about watching the Infomercials of those old Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts is hearing all the real Politically Incorrect jokes the people were telling, and knowing people back then understood the humorous intent behind the gags. And that folks didn't sue, or demand Advertiser Boycotts, or ask Certain Religious Leaders to show up and harass the hell out of the Joke Teller. A Lesson we can all learn from.

Balthayzr is still completely broken up over the fact that Hacksaw Jim Duggan turned his back on the USA. HOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

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