|October 23rd, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: It's Army Men! It's Liza, almost not Live! It's Tech Stuff! It's basically a lot of unnecessary commentary most probably stemming from the fact that we're too friggin' lazy to learn Flash and use it to program amusing games.
Okay, think we've had quite enough Army Men video games, thank you very much.
And just in case that was too subtle: No more Army Men games. EVER. Stop. Please.
You do realize that Day-Glo colors were invented primarily for Safety and Rescue Location purposes, and not so you could cause blindness and nausea to anyone unlucky enough to look directly at your outfit.
Note to Retail Locations Nationwide: Using CDs as Wall or Item Display Decorations, whether they be glued to boards or dangling from strings, does not make you or your merchandise "Kewl".
And you know we're about a month and/or a rating point away from chair-tossing and cat-fights on Dr. Laura's TV Show.
Maybe we should make computers and cell phones and PDAs do what they were built to do with more than a 50% Reliability Factor before we start designing Advanced Models with all sorts of whiz-bang features no one wants...
The HomeGame is just something the Illuminati made up so someone else could get blamed for everything that happens.
Disney Credo of Animation #2: Stuck for a plot for the Direct-To-Video sequel, or an Animated Syndicated Series? Just remember, all villains have brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, lovers...
And speaking of, we haven't quite decided what's more annoying: Animated Movies/Series based on a Live-Action Movie, or a Live-Action Movie based on an Animated Series or Comic Book.
Of course we believe that there's a shortage of PlayStation 2 Systems. Just like we believed there was a Cabbage Patch Doll Shortage. And a Tickle-Me-Elmo Shortage. And a Furby Shortage. And that Ty was gonna stop making Beanie Babies...
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Government Trust-Busters, having finished with Microsoft, will finally step in and stop greedy corporations from including conditioners with their shampoo products.
We had great plans for some lines about Travolta alluding to a Battlefield Earth sequel, but we ended up at the back of the line, and just ended up with a couple of goofy left-over bits about Earth being taken over by Talking Babies riding Mechanical Bulls, so we decided not to bother...
And if you understood that, you *really* need to get away from your Extensive DVD Movie Collection once in a while.
What's really disturbing: You know there's a Self Decoration fad on the horizon that's so over-the-top that even the Body Piercing crowd will be reduced to dry-heaving rubble. And we're actually looking forward to it.
Rule Of Life #624: The amount of bragging you do about your Great New Idea is directly proportionate to how much razzing you're going to get when your Idea crashes and burns.
Special Note To Haley Joel Osment: We see dead acting careers.
We're pretty sure a large part of the reason most people break the law and drive around Stopped School Buses is because they get a little tired sitting behind a vehicle that's making 5-minute stops every 15 feet because people nowadays are too frigging lazy to walk any farther than that...
Ricky Martin songs. In the Dreamcast game Samba De Amigo. You just knew that whole A-Bombing Japan thing was going to come back and bite us in the ass someday.
If elected President, we promise to keep our post-presidential cutesy Saturday Night Live/David Letterman/Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?/Etc. appearances to a Minimum.
Note to our waitress, who we're absolutely sure reads this column because just everyone does; While we appreciate the hot bread, we don't think it was a real good idea to plop it on top of the butter pats before you brought it out to us.
Maybe the passing of ex-WWF Champion Yokozuna will teach certain present wrestlers that there are better gimmicks out there than weighing almost a half-ton and sitting on people.
And one of them isn't consuming steroids until you look like you're smuggling watermelons inside the skin of your arms and chest...
Incoming Clue Alert: You can probably safely ignore any "News Item" that shows up in your E-Mail as part of a Chain Letter. You can *altogether* ignore any "News Item" that's part of a Chain Letter, and is labeled "What (insert name here) Doesn't Want You To Know!"
Liza Minnelli is hospitalized with Viral Encephalitis? Is that what we're calling "Drying Out" nowadays instead of "Recovering From Chronic Exhaustion"? Because, if so, we've got a bunch of charts to update.
Exactly why do we have to pay for Tech Support, again? If the product in question is causing some sort of fault, isn't it (most times) the fault of the company that made it, and thus should be remedied for free?
Of course, we understand completely charging people who either 1) Obviously haven't even taken the instructions out of it's handy little plastic wrap, and/or 2) Have done something completely idiotic ("So, I'm supposed to turn the computer off before I install new cards?").
Because maybe there's a *little* something wrong with you if the preparations for any Holiday around your abode involves theme-decorating the bathroom...
Who else hears the way Martha Stewart talks on her TV shows and commercials, and is reminded of those special folks who are found to have stored many murder victims in various parts of their homes?
Oh yeah. We're going to pay 5 bucks for a tiny box of cookies just because Time Warner slapped a "Scooby Snacks" logo on the front of it.
And remember to Get Out And Vote. Mainly because a lot of Voting Locations have FREE Snacks and Cola.
Balthayzr knows Content is King. And Lady Luck is Queen. Or something.