|November 6th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: More FREE advertising for The Truth.Com! Real Early Christmas Stuff! Somewhat Obscure Pop References! Randomly Applied Exclamation Marks! And, if you read this in the next 30 minutes, you'll get over a year's worth of Archives, ABSOLUTELY FREE! (Plus $5.95 Shipping and Handling)
Best way to find out a person's True Personality: See how they react to jokes at their expense.
And what a wacky, zany bit of topical humor, naming John Goodman's gay character on Normal, Ohio "Butch".
How many of you naive people actually thought that Napster, no matter what the outcome of all the legal cases, was gonna remain free forever?
Insert bad "Steve Allen invented dying" joke here. Sure are plenty to chose from, including this one...
Have we, as a nation, become so stupid and lazy that Campbell's had to invent a soup that 1) Has a pull-top, to save us the trouble of operating a can-opener, and 2) Is Ready-To-Serve, so we don't have to walk all the way over to the sink to fetch a cup of water.
Note to CNBC: Let this debacle over Oracle teach you a lesson; News Stories do *not* break in Internet Chat Rooms.
In fact, the only thing that does break in Internet Chat Rooms is Pants Zippers, as certain people try to work around them in a sitting position as they type with the other hand. Not the most reliable source for financial and business information, one would think...
There is no problem too small or embarrassing for a True Friend to create an nasty nick-name or catch-phrase out of ("Hey, Sticky-Palms! Wanna go grab a burger?").
Consumer Warning: Gadgets that are advertised with the line "Makes a Great Gift", don't.
The Best part about Fall is taking young, impressionable children and telling them the reason that it's getting dark earlier and that the leaves are falling off the trees is because They Were Bad, and No One Loves Them.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Bandwidth problems will vanish forever with the Invention of the Internet II, a place made specifically for Day-To-Day Business Dealings, Online Shopping, The International Communication And Sharing Of Ideas, and Multi-Person Gaming, thus opening up room on the True Internet for what it was created for: Porn, Warez, Millions of "What I Did At Work Today" Newsgroup Postings and Mindfuckery.
Personally, we think the Nobel Peace Prize should go to the thoughtful person who came up with the idea of putting comfy, suitable-for-snoozing-on chairs in Women's Clothing Departments.
Another big difference between Men and Women: Women posing with their lips slightly parted look Sexy. Men who pose with their lips slightly parted look like they've either just burped, or lack the mental power to find their shoe-laces, much less tie them.
Haven't we proved yet that Tim Curry is *not* an All-Purpose Villain. Especially since he's starting to look like John Candy dressed up like Tim Curry...
We're so happy that all the world's major problems have been solved, so people now have plenty of time to whine about stores putting their Christmas Decorations up too early.
And you know these whiners are probably the type whose idea of Decorations is a 2-foot-tall tree with 6 ornaments on it, that ends up back in it's little box at about 2PM on Christmas Day.
Anyone else find it a little sad that the short spots at the end of TV shows that identify the show's Production Company have gotten a lot more entertaining than the shows themselves?
Yet Another Note to TheTruth.Com: Those wacky little ads of yours, with the Body Bags? Look like really bad "Bloopers and Practical Jokes" routines. Okay, look like Typical "Bloopers and Practical Jokes" routines.
If elected President, we promise to make sure that the people who work for us, whether they be Volunteers or Paid Workers, actually do the work that they were hired to do, and aren't wasting time digging up little nuggets on members of the Opposition Party, snoozing in their offices, or whatever.
And you know right now some idiot is getting a "False Advertising" lawsuit together against Sony because there are PS9 "commercials" on TV, but no PS9 has been created yet.
What, exactly, are the qualifications necessary to become a "New Classic on TNT"? Besides having available Broadcast Rights, that is...
Note to the Trekkie Community: You do realize that the only reason your Trek-Themed Weddings and such get on the news is so everyone can have a nice, long laugh at your expense.
Speaking of, we haven't quite decided yet what's sadder: The Trekkies, or the very sad folk who, to this day, still dress in fish-net stockings and whore make-up and pay good money to see "Rocky Horror" 500 times a year.
You realize that you could avoid 90% of the "colds" you get every year if you would just take the time to scrape a few strata's worth of dust off your furniture once in a while.
Rule of Licensing #269: If you're running short of Ideas, putting the characters in a "Magic The Gathering"-type Trading Card Game always works out well.
Note to the WWF: If we didn't know any better, we'd think that the main qualification to become an XFL Cheerleader is to have this Porno-Starlet aura about them.
Which is completely Wrong, because Cheerleaders are there to Encourage Team Spirit and be Good Will Ambassadors for the Team.
Consumer Warning #2: Gadgets that are "Not Sold In Stores", usually aren't for a damn good reason.
The more we deal with people, the easier this column is to write...
And, in the Spirit Of The Season, we'd just like to offer a hearty "Get Bent" to everyone who's already finished their Christmas Shopping.
Balthayzr doesn't do any Christmas Shopping until the Hickory Farms and Swiss Colony catalogues arrive.