|January 8th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: The Golden Globe Awards, a Booger line, Return Of The Living Survivor Comments, and another experiment to see if we can slip yet another childish Madonna bit past her lawyers. Oh, and something about some Electronic Show somewhere.
You know you've been together way too long when you see some wondrous toy on television, and your Beloved, without even looking at it or your reaction to it, yells "NO!" from another room.
The best way to get us to avoid the product you spammed across a thousand newsgroups is to "accidentally" post it about 20 times, under the mistaken impression that it'll stand out better.
Speaking of, has anyone ever been fooled by spams where the poster pretends to be a casual observer who "stumbled" across this KEWL web site, and is just sharing his wonderful discovery with the world?
And a Moment Of Silence for Ray "My Favorite Martian, The Good Version" Walston, without whom we would have no Mork, and thus no Robin Williams. But, we're sure he did some good things as well, so we shouldn't hold that against him.
Whatever happened to Oprah Winfrey? You don't see too much of her anymore...
Someone really needs to point out to these "Extreme Sports" people that nothing looks so ridiculous as white people flashing phony gang signs.
Speaking of, how did this situation evolve: Did someone see lots of insane people risking their lives in Extreme Sports, and decide to make TV Shows out of them, or did someone make up these sports and convince a lot of mentally weak people via TV that this was an easy way to Fame and Fortune? In other words, what came first, the Fried Chicken or the Scrambled Egg?
Note to Aspiring Actors: Your "break-out" role will become your middle name in gossip columns for the rest of your life. So, you might wanna make sure it's something rather dignified, instead of, say, a character named "Nose-Picker".
Why do we call buying a crapload of tickets "Investing in the Lottery"? Is it an attempt to give an extremely stupid act a bit of dignity?
Ok, whose turn is it to go down to Florida, play with the ballots, and come up with some weird-ass theory to support an even weirder "Final Count"?
CRAPWELL PREDICTS:A Kickback Scandal will rock the Consumer Electronics Show due to accusations that companies are slapping together oddball products that they have no intention of ever making, mainly for the purpose of attracting hordes of Tech Geeks (who otherwise wouldn't travel) to local hotels and.....other attractions.
The next Nobel Prize should really go to the inventor of Ramen Noodles, responsible for supporting more disadvantaged folk and college students than every Government program combined.
They're making a Crazy Taxi movie. That crap can get made, but we can't get anyone to look at our Chu Chu Rocket spec scripts.
Maybe you should re-think how your life is going if every take-out place for miles not only recognizes your voice over the phone, but lets you get out 3 words before saying "Your usual order, then?".
We're so glad we live in a country where TV networks gives us instant access to Breaking Events all over the world, and where people's typical reaction to these events is "Hey! Put my damn show back on!".
The National Geographic Channel. Because we need another network to remind us that, when Things Of Nature aren't trying to viciously kill each other, they're trying to kill Us.
Double Take. Just remember, kids, it perfectly fine to trot out disgusting racial stereotypes when you're supposedly doing it to ridicule said stereotypes. And, most important, if you're part of the Minority Group that the stereotypes apply to.
Just what is the purpose of the Golden Globe Awards? Besides giving just about everyone on earth the ability to say they won one, seeing as how they toss them out the way Shriners toss out stale candy.
Because let's face it, being a "Golden Globe Nominee" is about as auspicious as being a "Former Lover Of Madonna".
Oh, yes, your radio station is just so cutting-edge because they play Condom Commercials.
"It's a Bold Television Experiment!" :translation: "We don't know what the hell it's supposed to be, either, but we paid for it, so we're showing it.".
And why isn't it considered Fraud when a computer book promises a "CD full of Utilities", and they always end up being demo versions of software products that are about a year out of date?
Nothing screams pretension more than adding the word "Café" to the name of your Business or Web Site.
Here's a way to make a quick couple of bucks: Take any household appliance. Add a computer chip and net access to it. Make the claim that the device will "connect to the net and download improvements to itself". Charge at least double the product's normal price. Repeat as necessary.
Maybe you need to get up off the couch and go find yourself a life if you've actually considered betting on the winner of any of the Survivor or Survivor-like shows.
Yeah, we suppose it's a lot easier to complain about your rotten job (and wallow in the sympathy everyone gives you) than to actually scrape up some self-respect and do what it takes to get a better one.
Here's a Helpful Hint to get you started: You should try to get some training from a school that doesn't advertise on late-night TV and whose spokesman isn't the answer to a "Where are they Now" trivia question.
Incoming Clue Alert: Maybe you should learn how to properly operate that new gadget before you drag it in front of a live audience to demonstrate it.
Sorry, going into Best Buy, turning up a random stereo to full, then turning the system off and leaving it as a booby trap for some poor soul is not exactly an Original World Class Prank.
Ah, the Consumer Electronics Show. Otherwise knows at The Place Where A Thousand Divorces Are Born.
Balthayzr buys anything labeled "Digital" or "Virtual".