Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: We were going to do a report on Madonna's Wedding, but somehow they saw through our Sean Penn Disguise and booted us out. So, instead it's our Not-At-All-Special Christmas Edition, where we use up our quota of catty Entertainment Industry comments for the year.

Yep, sure is worth the small inconvenience of having to click on numerous pop-up ads every 15 minutes just to keep your free ISP connection alive, and thus save 20 bucks a month on web access. Way to stick it to THE MAN!

And besides, playing Everquest or Quake III or Unreal Tournament is so stressful, and taking a break every 15 minutes will help you avoid Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

Note to TV Guide: Uh, that Multiple Collector's Covers routine is what helped cripple the Comic Book Industry. Just a thought.

Exactly where in the U.S. Constitution does it say that being a Hollywood Celebrity somehow gives you vast political lobbying powers? Or, at the worst, gives you this amazing Super-Power where you know what's best for everyone?

Speaking of, seems to be 2 types of Hollywood Accountants: Those that tell us that a movie that brought in 500 million dollars actually lost money, and the type that tell us that the latest celluloid mega-bomb actually made a tidy profit "overseas".

We got bad news for ya, folks; No matter what anyone says, this election clusterf*ck will never truly be over.

We will never, ever understand people in movies and TV shows that turn down Immortality. Someone offers us Eternal Youth, be sure you're not standing between us and them that makes the offer...

Well, except if it's any fey Satanic being or vampires that look remarkably like folks from People Magazine's "Top Hunks" list.

We're pretty sure that the main reason a lot of "E-Tailers" are going belly-up is because people like to page through the books and try on the clothes they're buying. And also feel that saving 10% on the retail price doesn't off-set a 15% Shipping Fee.

No, we don't think we're being paranoid at all, running every anti-virus program known to man on our system at the same time. So it takes 15 minutes just to open a simple text file. At least we sleep easier, knowing our system is safe.

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Finally bowing to the multitude of lawsuits, The US Government will cancel all present Official Holidays, and substitute a monthly Generic Day Of Celebration instead. These days will be celebrated in whatever fashion the various crybabies feel like celebrating them.

Dracula 2000. Because nothing says Family Christmas Film like a bloody, violent vampire movie.

Speaking of, we almost missed our Movie Title-related self-imposed release "date", didn't we? Or, didn't Dracula 2001 have that same haunting ring to it?

And, once again on the same related subject; what else would a guy named Wes Craven do for a living besides direct Horror Movies? Who the hell, for instance, would eat at a Craven Pancake House, or shop at a Craven Toy Shoppe? Besides us, we mean.

Is there really that big a market for mechanical dogs, or are we just that bankrupt of original ideas?

Yes, no gift says "I Love You" quite like a Mall Gift Certificate with a Dec. 24th purchase date.

The best thing about it being 2001 is all the Know-It-Alls will finally shut up about whether we're actually in the New Millennium or not.

The worst thing about it being 2001 is all the jokes, discussions, merchandise and the like connected to that damn Arthur C. Clarke book.

We still don't understand why you'd spend big bucks on phone sex when you can get web-cam sex for about the same price, and you get to see the girl your talking with, to boot.

Not that we've been extensively pricing any sort of phone sex or web-cam sex services. Except as research. Honest.

Ah, anti-bacterial lotions. The perfect gift for that on-the-go germophobe who's just too busy to stop and scrub his hands raw every three minutes.

And we'd like to thank the makers of the Castaway trailers for showing us practically the whole movie, including the ending, thus saving valuable money that can now go toward the purchase of the Godzilla 2000 DVD.

No fair calling any new TV show or movie "A New Classic" when the damn thing hasn't even been released yet...

Is the Donny and Marie Talk Show still on? We'd go check for ourselves, but we really don't care *that* much.

Isn't marrying Madonna a bit like going to the bowling alley and purchasing a pair of their Rental Shoes?

Note to Old Navy; Just what the hell is "Performance" fleece? What, is it tailored by Circus Folk or something?

We find it very interesting that we've gone from Science claiming that Just About Everything Causes Cancer, to Just About Everything Prevents Certain Types Of Cancers.

A long, long time ago, we here at Schizotrichia made a comment that we were long overdue for a re-make of Auntie Mame. Now comes word that we're getting one, starring CHER as Mame. And we'd just like to apologize for opening our big cake-holes about the whole mess.

And a Moment Of Silence for the passing of Victor "How many different ways can I close this piano on my fingers" Borge and Billy "I'm an INSANE IMP!" Barty. Anyone who can toss a little extra surrealness into the world around them is OK in our book.

And it's still not too late to run out and buy us a Christmas Present. We'll just wait here.

Balthayzr spent the Holidays thinking about all the kids who were getting bikes and scooters for presents, and how they might hurt themselves trying to ride them on snowbound, icy streets. And then got odd looks at Midnight Mass for chuckling evilly while thinking these festive thoughts.

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