|December 18th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: It's a little bit of Pop Philosophy, a little bit of Holiday Gift Shopping Hints, and a little bit of Celebrity Gossip. Cripes, just toss in a couple of recipes and it's one of those women's magazines you see at the supermarket checkout. Except they probably don't say "weird-ass" or "friggin" as much.
The best Philosophy Of Life we've ever heard is: Be Tolerant of the Tolerant, and Intolerant of the Intolerant.
We just wish we could remember which Chinese Restaurant we got that fortune cookie message at, because they had a real nice 2-for-1 Monday Special.
Ya know, Life Ain't Fair, and it's not the job of your Local Police, Courts, Parents, Government or whatever to make it Fair for you.
Fancy Novelty Candles make the best gifts. Because about 90% of people who get them feel they're too pretty to burn, meaning that whenever you visit them and see the unburned candle, you can go into this whole "Gee, I guess you didn't like my gift enough to use it" spiel.
Because the Holidays aren't about presents, or Peace, or Love Of Your Fellow Man. It's about spreading lots and lots of Guilty Feelings around.
Should it really be considered Charity when some Celeb lets it "slip" that s/he's gonna show up to do "work" at a Soup Kitchen or Poor Foreign Village or the like, so as to insure that there's lots of cameras around?
Basically, saying basically a lot basically shows a basically lazy mind.
Ok, why do we not only have N'Sync Marionettes, but different *sizes* of N'Sync Marionettes?
About the film What Women Want; We're sure there's a good reason why Mel Gibson is seen putting on panty hose and a bra and such, and we're betting we don't get one.
And yet another thing we love about this time of year is endless articles from spoil-sports explaining why Santa couldn't possibly visit all those homes in one night, or consume all those milk-and-cookie snacks, or make all those toys for free.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Congress will pass the Entertainment Moratorium Act in 2084. This act will proclaim that any TV Show that has not produced any new episodes in 5 years (reunion shows not withstanding) shall be declared Over And Done, and shall be allowed to die with dignity. This would mean no further Conventions, fanfics, new Newsgroups, endless "What If" discussions, and the like. Exceptions will be made for such items as Action Figures and "retro" T-Shirts.
The Mole, an upcoming game show where one contestant is actually a "secret agent" out to screw over all the others, does sound intriguing. However, we do get the distinct impression that they're gonna wimp out and not let the "agent" use guns or explosives or Hit Men or anything else Fun.
Another sure sign that God Hates Us All is the fact that He waits for us to just finish digging ourselves out of one huge snowfall or other disaster, and then dumps another one on us.
Or, this could be God going old-school, and thus returning to the Old Testament days when He use to randomly smite people who pissed him off. In which case, we have to just say that God Smiting People Randomly would make a very cool cable channel.
People watch Game Shows for the same reason they watch Auto Racing; Not to see people win, but to watch the losers go down in flames so they can laugh at them.
Sorry, but buying a Santa Hat from the dollar store and wearing it to work for the week before Christmas does *not* count as having Holiday Spirit.
Neither does wearing antlers, flashing Rudolph noses, musical buttons, or any other "accessory" you probably got as a gag stocking stuffer last year.
Ah, nothing like a couple of inches of snow to give all those assholes an excuse for their bad driving and parking.
We wonder if the whacko at Craftsman who comes up with some new weird-ass tool just in time for Holiday Gift-Giving has any type of official Job Title. Or is on any "special" type of Medication.
Anyone else get the feeling that The Drew Carey Show just pulls random Plot Points out of a large jar? And, that we're supposed to interpret this as Self-Aware Comedy?
Special Note to the makers of the "Time Machine", the really odd-looking electric toothbrush; We were unaware that there was a large, unserved market out there of kids who wanted to brush their teeth in the dark. Thank you for showing us The Way.
Please, please, please say we will be spared any Animated Series based on 102 Dalmatians and/or The Emperor's New Groove.
Is there some contest going on that we don't know about that rewards the putz who can place the most headlights on the front of their pick-up trucks, or cause the most cases of Retina Burn?
Fake Erect Nipples. The latest "fashion accessory". Supposedly makes you more attractive to men. Any comment we make at this point is just gonna get us hurt bad, so lets move right along, shall we?
Now remember, Callista Flockhart's collapse on the set of Ally McBeal was due to exhaustion, and worry over the future of Robert Downey Jr., and had nothing at all to do with any sort of Eating Disorder. Shame, shame, shame on all of you for thinking any differently.
Temptation Island. Otherwise known as What Would Have Happened If Jerry Springer Had Come Up With "Survivor".
And the whole idea here begs a question. The idea of this show is that several couples are taken on a vacation where several attractive members of both sexes attempt to seduce them, and thus make them cheat on each other. Uh, this sound a bit like Prostitution to anyone else?
Note to Jimmy Hart and WCW: About this whole "Jimmy Hart Wrestles Random DJs And Disses Andy Kaufman" thing? Bit late to try to mooch off the popularity of Man In The Moon, isn't it?
Ok, next person who re-makes It's A Wonderful Life or A Christmas Carol better have a damn good reason for their feeling that we need yet another re-make.
You haCkerZ out there have about 30 days to come up with your wacky "Microshaft/Micro$oft"-like nicknames for the new AOL/Time Warner Company. Get to work.
Balthayzr and Mrs. Balth wish you a Merry Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or Ramadan or whatever friggin' pagan holiday you feel like celebrating.