|November 20th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Can you take the horror that is The Election? Can your heart withstand the terror of Fast Food? Can you survive coming face-to-face with Soap Operas? Yeah, you most probably can. Kinda silly to make such a fuss over it all, now that we think about it. Sorry.
Okay, we think we have quite enough "gag" Florida Ballots, thank you very much.
Palm Pilots sure are handy little things. For instance, you can quickly take down the License Number and Insurance Information of people whose car you clobbered while your attention was being taken up with what's basically a 400 dollar GameBoy...
True Hell on Earth is finally getting that wonderful new computer toy about 5 minutes after your motherboard/CPU fries out. Because that didn't just happen to us AT ALL.
You know what this country truly needs? More movies about Teen Anorexia. Because we're sure nothing says Ratings like watching some teen-starlet-of-the-week scream "I'm still FAT! Leave me ALONE" every 5 minutes.
Note to Job Hunters: "Flexible Hours" does not mean "Work When You Bloody Well Feel Like It".
So we picked up this Hulk Hogan Thunder Mixer off a Clearance table. Take it home, try to make Strawberry milk with it. Little underpowered Cracker-Jack Prize engine burns out. We're sure there's some philosophical statement to be made about it representing the longevity of Hogan's non-wrestling Ventures, but frankly we're more concerned about the fact that we wasted the last of our Strawberry Syrup...
Not to be overly political, but this whole election mess brings up a very important question: Do we really want a Sore Loser in charge of America's Nuclear Weapons?
Note to the Booze Industry: While we appreciate your "Drink Responsibly" campaign, we gotta tell you; Warning labels didn't do the Tobacco Industry a damn bit of good, and we get the feeling that it's probably not going to do you much good once the lawyers begin circling.
Nothing's more embarrassing than watching a Cartoon or Sit-Com episode or Movie for about the ten thousandth time in your life, and some obscure in-joke or pun that's been staring you in the face for years finally decides to sink in ("Oh, jeez! The grocery store's named after the DIRECTOR!").
Note to TV News programs: Maybe we don't *want* to see monthly "Special Reports" about how everything we touch and consume is covered with Germs and Other People's Bodily Fluids, ever think of that?
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: McDonald's will decide to eliminate the middleman and cut costs by offering a Flavored Lard sandwich called the McTallow..
We're so glad that "I demand a recount" has now been driven into the world's subconscious as this one-size-fits-all Punch Line.
And we'd like to mention at this point that the first time some cute kid on a TV Show or Movie gets into some wackiness and utters those 4 words, we will be hunting down and Hurting those people responsible. Consider yourselves Warned.
Note to the Fast Food Industry: Yes, we do consider it cheating when you take your version of Chicken McNuggets, toss them on a roll, and try to convince people that it's a new Sandwich.
We're pretty sure that one of the main reasons people are so fat is because Snack Foods nowadays are sold in packages of a size usually reserved for the delivery of major Home Appliances.
Is it just us, or do all these "Extreme" Sports look like they were invented during Drunken Bar Bets?
And we love watching half of the Pundits proclaim that the latest Discovery will Change The World For The Better Forever, and the other half proclaim that it will Put Millions Out Of Work And Destroy All We Hold Dear...
It's really got to be embarrassing to see your Life's Work sitting on the Barnes and Noble Clearance Table with a "$1.98" sticker on it.
Especially if it's a rather large pile of your Life's Work, and it's obvious no one's touched the damn things since the employees piled them there....
Not trying to sound like a bigot or anything, but is there some Law that says every Soap Opera must contain one Interracial Couple?
Speaking of: Yes, you are so much better than everyone else because you're addicted to EastEnders and Coronation Street instead of those nasty American Soap Operas.
Is anybody really fooled by "sale" prices that come with a "Limit One, No Dealers Please" disclaimer?
One big reason we still prefer the TV over the Internet: When something on TV is a festering boil, it's usually (note: USUALLY) taken off relatively quickly. Internet Crap, however, sticks around like dog turds on a sneaker.
For instance, it's been over a year, and *we* show no signs of being scraped off yet...
We think it's worth 60 bucks to purchase Ready To Rumble: Round 2 just for the chance to whup up on Michael Jackson and "Shaq" for all the Pain they've caused with their various songs and films and video games...
Note to WCW: Maybe it's just us, but isn't it about time you stopped selling those NWO shirts?
Especially since a good portion of the guys who made up the NWO have either retired or are wrestling for other federations...
Charles F.C. Ruff, the lawyer who was President Clinton's chief defender during the Monica Lewinsky/impeachment bit, has died at age 61. Let the paranoid Conspiracy Theorizing begin.......now.
Probably the thing people find most frightening about the latest Technological Advance isn't the object itself, but the "simple" Beginner's Guides sitting on the shelves of fine bookstores everywhere that are large enough to be used as anchors for the Goodyear Blimp.
And we must say, we're proud to live in a country where the Leaders are chosen based on who can do the Most Cheating in the Least Amount Of Time. Brings a tear to the eye, it does.
Balthayzr might have gone to Exoticon, or he might not have. Who's to say?