|December 4th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: It's Chickenless Heads, David Spade gets Tricked, Chia Pets come back to egg our houses, and it's been a year since we took over Schizotrichia. And other Scary Things to keep you warm this Holiday Season. Pass the 120-Proof Egg Nog.
Boy, we sure can't get enough commercials featuring the Grinch's Hand, can you?
And we're certainly not cynical enough to interpret that as a way to save money by not hiring Carrey, or spending hours applying the Grinch facial make-up, or anything. It's Artistic License, dammit!
Speaking of commercials, kind of interesting that Cartoon Network's commercials about itself seem funnier and more inspired that some of their Original Programming.
It's really nice to see that Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin has reached the point in his career where he's saying "Yes" to just about every Licensing Deal they put in front of him.
Uh, Chia Pet Collector Cards? Why?
We've discovered one of the best ways to drive someone nuts is to tell them "I've got something very important to discuss with you, but I can't talk right now.".
Every time we see a commercial for Dude, Where's My Car, we keep hoping it's one of those amusing fake commercials that the Energizer Bunny interrupts. Because the only other explanation is that it's for real, and that's just too painful to contemplate.
Although, we suppose it could be worse; It could feature a SNL Character.
Let's see, trying to work up a little sympathy for David Spade after his mugging... and, it's not coming. Sorry. Consider it payback for all the cash you've taken from people with your so-called Movie Career, Davey.
There is something to be said about small, inexpensive, tasteful gifts from the Heart. And that something is: Friggin' Cheapskates.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2025 A new On-Line Corporation will be created, it's sole purpose being coming up with new File Compression techniques. The actual purpose of all these new Techniques being, of course, the invention of new File Types for Pirated Music, Movies, and Programs so as to disguise them and stay at least 3 steps ahead of the MAN.
Note to Technical News web sites and magazines: There are other stories out there besides the AOL/Time Warner Merger, you know.
And there are also other stories besides the effect the Election Indecision is having on Tech Stocks.
Special Note to would-be "Funny People": Yes, we've heard about the McDonald's Fried Chicken Head. Yes, we've seen the pictures, both real and doctored, of the McDonald's Fried Chicken Head. Yes, we've heard all the jokes about the McDonald's Fried Chicken Head. Enough, please.
Yes, we do find it mildly amusing that you get to join the "National Association Of PhotoShop Professionals" if you decide to pay 99 bucks for a year's subscription to a bimonthly PhotoShop Magazine, filled with "tips" you could get off the Net for free. But, hey, the title impresses the rubes, so we say go for it.
So, McCall's magazine is gonna be re-launched as Rosie's McCall's, because Rosie O'Donnell now owns it. Great, because the world needs another celebrity-run Magazine which consists mostly of whining and articles about the Celeb's Close Personal Friends who are much better human beings than all those Regular People.
Oh, and let's not forget articles berating us for not coughing up enough cash to their Pet Charities, and yummy Recipes actually whipped up by their servants and caterers.
Good news being that Rosie will now be too busy to do her talk show, so we guess we should be more supportive. Or not.
Anyone else seen the commercials for those Nike Shox shoes, and think they look like something Wile E. Coyote would order?
Let's see if we understand this: Tim Allen played a Home Repair Guy on TV that was a danger to himself and others. And we're supposed to buy a line of tools based on the popularity of that character. Uh, no.
Note to AT&T Wireless: A Shepherd who brings his sheep with him everywhere he goes does not bring to mind the wonders of Wireless Technology as much as it brings to mind really, really sick Fetish Videos. Ick.
And can we be really bipolar at this point, and just say nothing looks worse than someone who buys 2 strands of outdoor lights, hangs one from his house, wraps the other around a random bush, and thinks that counts as Christmas Decorations?
Quick Grooming Tip: Deodorants just cover up odors temporarily. antiperspirants more or less stop your pits from sweating, and thus stop you from smelling Bad. And certain people would be well advised to learn the difference before your Bodily Funk burns another hole in the ozone layer...
Researchers at the University of Minnesota have "discovered" that if teens hang out with people who smoke and drink and have sex, they'll smoke and drink and have sex themselves? We just got one question here: Where do we sign up to do one of these "studies"? Maybe we'll do some research on how famines are caused by a lack of food, or the like. We'll only need a few hundred grand to start.
And yes, we have had quite enough "cute" News Stories covering Graduation Ceremonies at various Santa Schools.
Chances are if the "Miracle Cure" you've found is on a web site hosted in a Foreign Country, and no one in any News Agency has given any coverage to this Major Health Breakthrough, that it's probably not going to work exactly as advertised. Just a thought.
No obvious front runner for the Oscars causing catty remarks, endless copy-cat films, and last-minute re-releases? What is the world coming to? The hell are we supposed to bet on, the Super Bowl or something?
Admit it, most of you still have at least half a bag of Halloween Candy left. And it's a bag of the Good Stuff, that you purposely opened last, knowing that there wasn't a lot of Trick Or Treaters left and most of it would be left over.
Okay, now trying to work up any sort of emotion about Smashing Pumpkins breaking up and....nothing. Unless Complete Indifference is an emotion.
The best thing about posting this column every Monday is that all the really Good Stuff seems to happen on Tuesday or Wednesday, meaning everyone else on earth has the better part of a week to report/make fun of all these stories before we get a crack at it. So, if anything seems familiar, feel free to blame them, not us.
Balthayzr considered maybe doing Schizo more than once a week to overcome that problem, but it sounded too much like actual work.