|November 27th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Let's see here; we got some Election Stuff, a few Christmas gags we didn't get to use last year (or maybe we did. Like there's someone who keeps track of these things), a Survivor bit we found crumpled behind the trash can, and some more computer-related gags we came up with while watching today's 10th re-run of TechTV's Internet Tonight. Yep, sounds like a typical tossed-together-at-the-last-second SCHIZOTRICHIA column to us.
Yes, it's that Special Time of year when manufacturers glue Santa Hats on random stuff and market it as the "Special Christmas Edition".
It's also time for Retailers everywhere to drag all their unsold garbage out of the stock-rooms and pile it on tables next to Large Signs proclaiming that Electric Tie Dispensers and 24-Piece Candle Sets make Wonderful Gifts.
Rule of TV Shows #293: Don't know what to do with a female character? Have her get pregnant.
We got news for ya, sport: a $400 Digital Camera will take the same crappy shots as one of those Disposable Cameras when in the hands of an Idiot.
Of course, the hundreds of slightly off-kilter shots with everyone's heads missing or lots of Red-Eye will look much sharper. And you'll have many chances to "erase" and re-do the shot to make it that much worse...
Ah, deep-fried turkey: Because regular turkey isn't fatty or juicy enough for some folks, we're guessing.
And we suppose it's worth the skin grafts and the risk of burning down everything you hold dear just so you can have that angioplasty a few years earlier...
Sure is worth saving a few bucks to buy that Special Someone one of those Off-Brand scooters. And we're sure they're not made of cheap, inferior parts that will come apart at some inopportune time, like when Junior is crossing traffic or going down a steep hill.
Someone needs to make a Law that says no dark, gray, rainy days during the Christmas Season.
And we're sure right now that some pundit isn't blaming dark, gray rainy December days on Rich Polluting Republicans. Especially that George W. fella, dammit!
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2130, the best Bull economy in modern history will be created when companies the world over finally discover that excellence in sports does *not* equal excellence in Business, and thus stop wasting millions investing in jock-run Restaurants, Web Sites, and Sporting Good Lines.
Note to the Salvation Army Bell Ringers: Wanna know why we didn't drop any coins in your little drum? Because the 800 other Bell Ringers we encountered just in the past hour got all our money.
And were you aware that these Bell Ringers have a collection quota? We know you have to have a way to make sure these people are out doing their jobs, and not sitting somewhere warm and dry, but exactly how the hell do you set a quota on Random Charitable Contributions?
The answer is Yes: You *can* have too many Christmas Decorations. Because God forbid one square inch of your Real Estate should fail to convey your Holiday Wishes to the World.
And the exact number of what would be considered a Proper Amount Of Decorations would be about 30% less than the Museum Of Light Pollution you've got sitting out there now.
We're sorry, but we see any clown, and we don't care whose "mascot" he is, grab a kid by the hand and try to take him off to "McDonaldland" or whatever, we're gettin' out our shotguns and declaring Clown Season open.
How many friggin' times can they repackage a bunch of Beatles songs and actually have enough people buy them to turn a profit?
Apparently, the answer is: At Least One More Time.
You think the creators of Survivor are proud of the fact that their show is remembered mostly for A Naked Guy and Rat Eating? Well, their accountants are most probably very proud, and that's what counts.
Nice to see John Goodman is starting to get all the Lovable Big Guy parts that probably would have gone to Chris Farley if Chris could have kept his nose and veins out of the Candy Dish for more than 10 minutes running...
Rule Of Licensing #591: Any License will make a fine Collectable Christmas Ornament Series.
There really is no excuse, outside of Monetary Considerations, to not have access to the Net nowadays. Between AOL, MSN, and WebTV, Net Access couldn't be any easier if they found a way to hook a web browser up to The Clapper, for God's sake.
Saving parents a little trouble, here: You know those little LCD games you see advertised on late-night TV and Fine Magazines everywhere? Despite their claims, they do *not* make an acceptable substitute gift in place of a PlayStation II or Dreamcast.
Yes, we don't make purchases of expensive electronics based on the quality of the unit: We base it on how many different Colorful Plastic Covers come with the device.
There's a big difference between helping your kids so they have an easier time growing up than you had, and Spoiling the kid so much that they expect the world to be handed to them on a silver platter, and then cry that the platter is slightly tarnished when it finally shows up.
We're glad that several news agencies are helpfully supplying a service that will notify you, by e-mail, when the Presidential Election Winner is finally declared. Because we're certain that's the only way we'll get any information about the outcome, seeing as how hardly anyone is supplying second-by-second coverage of this whole bloody mess...
How come, every holiday season, are people always so surprised and unprepared for 1) Slower mail delivery due to one hundred million Xmas cards being mailed out to relative strangers, 2) Snow, 3)Crowded Shopping Malls, and 4) Heavy Traffic at and around Malls and Airports? If it's happened every year for the past 100 or so years, chances are IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN THIS YEAR!
And another Crime Against Nature that happens every year at this time is endless "funny people" making bad jokes about Heavy Traffic, Slow Mail, and.....uh.....never mind.
What, exactly, happens to the make up of a typical hair that makes them stick straight out of some people's heads as they turn Grey?
We tried the Scientific Method of finding out why this happens, but for some odd reason people got rather testy when questioned about their burgeoning crops of silver. Huh. Some people.
Balthayzr never has to worry about grey hair, because he's had Complete Body Electrolysis.