|December 11th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: America's Sweetheart makes a stinky, Barry Manilow plots his bloody vengeance, and various other celebs are either dying, dead, or getting shows cancelled. So, in the end, it all balances out, karma-wise. Feel free to untangle that logical knot while you pollute your frontal lobe with another 30 Random Lines Of Crap.
Miss Congeniality; otherwise known as Sandra Bullock Falls Down: The Motion Picture.
You think Sandra has finally reached that Leslie Neilsen/John Lithgow "Nothing else is really happening with my career, so I might as well do something goofy" point in her life?
Let's see if we got this straight: Model is to Supermodel as Singer is to Diva.
Remote Controls for Car Stereos? See, the main difference here is that when you lose the remote to stuff in your house, you don't cause a multi-car pile-up looking for it...
How many times to we have to re-invent the Zip-Lock bag just because there's a large faction of people who can't seem to get the hang of closing them?
You know your movie's a real pile of crap when it's no longer playing in first-run theatres, yet the fast-food franchises still have plenty of your small plastic Tie-In toys to give away.
We're certain the downfall of this country's Moral Fiber can be directly traced to the point in time when cartoon characters stopped ending their TV Shows with "Knowing Is Half The Battle"-style lectures.
Hanging Chad Jewelry. Well, nice to see we're not Trivializing this historical time in our lives.
Helpful Holiday Shopping Hint: Just because someone looks at something and makes a comment about it doesn't mean they want one as a present.
We're pretty sure the reason Calvin and Hobbes was stopped was so that Calvin would have more time to pose for Window Stickers depicting him piddling on various Corporate Logos.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: By the year 2247, the world will have become so Politically Correct that people will no longer be allowed to speak to each other directly. Instead, people will communicate through hand-held devices pre-programmed with several thousand pre-programmed, Government-approved words and sentences that are guaranteed to Never Offend Anyone.
There seems to be 2 types of actors on TV shows: Those that can't wait to collect their paychecks and be off before they get typecast, and those who seem to be under the impression that they own their characters, and thus have a majority say on what their character does, how others react to him, and the general direction of the show in question.
Our favorite types of celebrity interviews are the ones where it's obvious that the interviewer hunted down the person just to see why they're not Dead Yet.
Huh. Took a shorter amount of time to cancel The Michael Richards Show than it took to write and re-write and re-re-write the pilot episode...
There's an important lesson there for all of us: We no longer live in an era where Second Bananas can survive on their own TV Programs. And that's a small part of ourselves we can never get back. Or something.
Copacabana: A Barry Manilow Musical. Lo, we have discovered the 5th Horseman Of The Apocalypse, and his name is Musical Theatre.
Ok, not all musical theatre is that horrid. Certain productions of H.M.S. Pinafore are entertaining, as is any chance to see school children panic and stammer their way through Guys And Dolls or Oklahoma. The rest, however, ride a Pale Horse.
You do realize that if your computer, using that Seti@Home thing, finds proof of Alien Life, you will receive absolutely none of the credit.
"The System works" :translation: " I just won my big court case!".
The Chris Rock Show is no more? Where are we gonna go for our weekly "White People Suck" joke-and-news fix?
All right, we know there's more to Chris Rock than insulting white people. We understand that he occasionally insults people of all races, creeds, and religions, as well...
No matter how this whole election mess works out, we hope you're ready for decades and decades worth of "He stole the election from OUR GUY!" interviews.
Note to Parents of very young kids: You get no sympathy from us with your stories about your kids breaking all your delicate Christmas decorations. We don't care how smart you think your toddlers are, they do not yet understand the word "fragile".
Electric razors make wonderful Christmas Gifts. Because they stop making the blades for them after a couple of years, meaning that the gift recipient will once again need to be given an electric razor.
Nice to see the Powers That Be read Schizo. For, mere days after we posted our column warning easily impressionable people about the dangers of cheaply-made copycat scooters, a large recall of said scooters was underway. Any chance we can get that applied to any Community Service sentences we might receive in the future?
Okay, if we're not supposed to Try This At Home, why is the TV commercial for your products wrapped around images of stunts we're never supposed to Try? Why not, maybe, show us what we *can* do with your product, instead?
We see one more Murder Mystery featuring an Innocent Person discovering the Body, and then spending the next couple of minutes picking up and handling and getting his prints all over the murder weapon while we wait for the cops to show up, we just might have to dig out that sniper rifle, drive to Hollywood, and declare Hunting Season Open once again.
Another thing we love about this Wonderful Time Of Year is all the TV commercials and Newspaper Articles reminding us that, no matter how much we donated to Charity this year, it wasn't Enough, and we should be deeply Ashamed.
You think anyone has figured out yet that, for the price of one of these "Internet Appliances", you could actually get a fairly decent computer that allows you to do other things, like play games, make web pages, store downloaded images and programs, and the like?
And a moment of silence please, for the passing of Hoyt Curtin, the man who gave us such wonderful stuck-in-your-brain-forever theme music as "The Flintstones" "The Jetsons" "Scooby Doo, Where Are You" and other Hanna-Barbera tunes.
Balthayzr wonders if all TV Show Nazi Colonels Go To Heaven.