|January 1st, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: A new year. A chance for a fresh start. And what do we do? Trot out the same stale 30 Random Lines of Crap. Oh, like you were expecting Oscar Wilde or something? Decent stuff doesn't come out of the bottoms of toilet bowls, and believe us, we spent most of the day looking.
The best thing about Christmas being over is we've got at least 8 months until we're tortured with any more "clever" Corporate Jingles set to Christmas Carols.
Ya know, you're really supposed to clean your bathroom long before the black, slimy stuff takes over your shower walls. Just a suggestion.
You knew it was just a matter of time until we got to see commercials for those ridiculous little scooters featuring people trying to do skateboard-style tricks on them. And may we just say; Uh, No.
Of course, the scary thing here is some boardroom moron is gonna think we want an endless series of "Scooter Tricks" video games, which of course is an even bigger Uh, No.
Gary Coleman has announced that, beginning this day, he will no longer answer any interview questions about his Diff'rent Strokes career. Which means you hordes of celeb stalkers will just have to find another pint-sized has-been to bother day and night, you hear!?.
Maybe we'd be more inclined to try some of those "Health" cereals if they didn't look like stuff swept off the floor of a barn.
Has that "But God is Everywhere" bit ever succeeded in getting anyone out of Church? How about saying you make the Holy Water Founts boil over?
Uh huh. Having Luke and Laura get a divorce is the sure cure for General Hospital's not-great ratings and boring story lines.
Not that we watch that sort of clap-trap. Just something we, uh, overheard at McDonald's.
And we can see why Steve Burns feels it's time to move on from his role as the Token Human on Blue's Clues. It's most probably because he feels he's taken the role of talking to a Cardboard-Cutout dog in a voice that sounds like he's imbibed a cocktail made from every depressant known to Man as far as it can go, and he's ready to take his unique acting skills to Hollywood. Or to a Funeral Home, whatever's good for him.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The next big tech advance will be an applet that runs in the background of AIM and other Instant Messaging Services, and runs banner ads based on keywords it detects in the conversations of users. The applet will be declared a failure, however, when it's discovered that it's only displaying ads from Hand Lotion and Facial Tissue Companies.
Yeah, we think we've reached the Harry Potter "Will you please TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE!" Saturation Point, thank you very much.
We're also pretty sure we've reached the National Quota on Naughty Drink Names that are supposed to be witty and risqué when you ask the waitress for them. ("I'll have a Slow Screw, and my friend will have a Bare-Butt Spanking....heeheehee...")
Everyone is, of course, acquainted with the old routine where you give Lima Beans, Pie Filling and other such Canned Goods to those yearly Food Drives. The question here being; if you didn't like that stuff, what the hell made you buy them in the first place?
Hey, if it keeps Mike Myers too busy to do that "Deiter" movie, he can go and be the new Inspector Clouseau all he wants.
Besides, a Pink Panther movie with Myers can't be any worse than that one Panther movie they pieced together out of Peter Sellers Outtakes, can it?
What is the purpose of running your movie ad through PhotoShop so you can put wacky hats on the characters, and thus make the ad "themed" for the current Holiday? Because a crap movie does *not* look more appealing when the person in the ad has a fake Santa cap or Party Hat And Noisemakers plastered on their heads like Colorforms.
Note to the Cartoonists of the World: Thank you again for your New Year's gift of endless strips featuring all characters over the age of 30 falling asleep way before Midnight on Dec 31st. Because that gag never, ever gets old.
Maybe all you "Dot.Com" companies would still have plenty of operating capital if you hadn't blown millions on incomprehensible Super Bowl commercials that were forgotten 15 minutes after the game was over.
Incoming Clue Alert: Getting a couple of shares of stock as an employee benefit does not make you a Wall Street Player. Nor does it excuse the pretension of carrying copies of Barron's or The Wall Street Journal around with you everywhere.
The Good News: John Travolta has reportedly put any plans for a Battlefield Earth sequel on "Indefinite Hold".
The Bad News: An Unnamed Japanese Animation Company is making at least 20 hour long episodes of a Battlefield Earth TV Series. They just don't want to let that whole A-Bomb/Internment Camp thing go, do they?
Nothing gets the day off to a good start more than reading a story in the paper about some idiot that had to be rescued from some moronic situation they managed to get themselves into, like jamming their head into a sewer pipe on a bet or the like.
And here's hoping George "Head-Bob, Smirk" Clooney has enough star power to get people to go see O Brother, Where Art Thou?, so that the Coen Brothers can finally get some recognition beyond Woodchipper jokes.
If there's one thing that gets a New Year off to a fresh, cheerful start, it's reams of articles reminding us of all the celebrities that passed on last year.
Incoming Clue Alert: About 5 million people have already done the "What, no Apocalypse?" bit in the various Usenet groups, so you might wanna refrain from yours if you haven't already...
If we, as a civilization, haven't grown beyond anything else, let's hope we've finally grown beyond the Hercules/Xena "Campy Series Featuring Anachronisms And Lots Of CGI Monsters Are FUNNY!" era.
And a Moment Of Silence for Thomas Yohe, one of the people responsible for Schoolhouse Rock. Millions of people would not have graduated from school if they hadn't spent most of their time during Final Exams humming these little tunes to themselves in lieu of studying. (Hey, the "We, the People" episode helped us get an "A" on our Government Final).
And Modern Children's Programmers, take note: That's how you make Education Programming entertaining, without being preachy or condescending.
Our New Year's Resolution involves deciding whether this column is 30 Lines Of Random Crap, or 30 Random Lines Of Crap, and sticking to it.
Balthayzr spent New Year's trying to invent a more toxic alcohol/soda mixture ratio than 100/0. And he thinks he succeeded around 4AM.