|January 15th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: A couple of snap judgements about movies based on seeing their trailers once or twice, the revenge of the coma-inducing New Age CD Series, and a Salute to Nudity. Hey, one fairly decent thing out of three ain't bad. And when we write one fairly decent thing, we'll be sure to point it out.
Whoo-hoo! Pure Moods III is out! Where the hell is our checkbook?
Would it be considered gauche to cook Wolfgang Puck Brand Soup in an Emeril Brand Saucepan?
Ah, who cares if 98 percent of the Celebrity Nudes out there are fake? They're nudes, and that's what really counts, right?
AntiTrust; Or, what happens when someone re-makes The Firm after reading one too many Microsoft conspiracy theories...
Shouldn't female sports have all-male cheerleaders? Or are we just the 6 millionth person to dust that old line off?
You can see why there's a shortage of natural gas that's driving prices up. After all, who really expects it to get cold enough in the winter to drive up demand?
It's nice to know that there's so little important news going on out there that we sit and worry over who's gonna end up with Clinton's pussy.
And you know damn well we meant Socks the cat. Stop that eye-rolling.
Incoming Clue Alert: It's really a waste of money to buy a mousepad with a logo or cute scene on it. See, when used properly, the mouse is covering up a large portion of the pad, thus preventing you from seeing the picture...
One couple was booted off Temptation Island because they had a child together, and the rules state that the couples cannot have had any kids. So, if we understand this, they got booted off the show, a show whose whole premise is to get people to cheat, because they didn't follow the rules?
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The Common Cold, The Flu, and other minor ills will become extinct when people finally realize they should stay home in bed when they feel one coming on, thus denying the disease any chance to be spread to innocent people and propagate itself.
Why do waitresses always remind us sternly that certain items are "on the Children's Menu"? What, does wanting a side order of Chicken Fingers or a Small Sundae make us some sort of molester?
We will admit to it making us some sort of cheap bastard, however...
Sugar and Spice is, from articles we've read, supposed to be some socially-significant movie about one young lady's life coming apart. However, (and pretend to be surprised, here) we do notice that the trailer makes the film look like a cheerleader-fetish movie.
And a Moment Of Silence for William R. Hewlett, one of the men responsible for the Computer Revolution and the Information Age. Yes, it's because of him that you can get Instant On-Line Stock Tips, play Quake 17, use Quicken to keep your checkbook straight, read Schizo.....well, maybe we shouldn't be blaming him for that last one...
Note to the U.S. Army: "An Army Of One"? Sounds more like a slogan for a Stallone/Van Damme movie or a shoot-em-up video game than an ad for the Armed Forces.
Of course, the more we think about it, that's probably the whole idea. "Play Quake...FOR REAL! In The Army!".
Nothing makes a lane of traffic move faster than you, in the other lane, turning on your turn signal and trying to merge into it.
Anyone else have a take-out place by them offering an item called the "Garbage" Salad? Because nothing makes us hungrier than someone implying that our supper came fresh from some dumpster.
What, exactly, is the point in calling strip joints "Gentlemen's Clubs"? Gentlemen's Clubs conjure up images of 90-year-old Englishmen sipping brandy and exchanging tiger-hunting stories in paneled rooms full of overstuffed leather chairs, not images of tattooed, flabby women making faux-love to shiny metal poles.
Why is it that "X" amount of phone calls is way too many to a prospective Significant Other ("You're smothering me!"), but not nearly enough to your parents ("Why don't we ever hear from you?")?
We think it's safe to say that the only Christmas stuff the stores have left is what's sitting out on the floor. And holding up the line while you ask the salesperson "Are you sure there's no more stuff in the back?" is grounds for Justifiable Homicide.
Looks like another part of The Clinton Legacy is gonna be piles and piles of "Tell-All" books. Most of which, we're sure, will Tell Nothing.
Why do we get the feeling that this wondrous "IT/Ginger" Invention is gonna be the high-tech equivalent of a gerbil and a wheel? Or at the best, a slightly improved Telsa Coil?
We're sure that all the signs at WWF events proclaiming how cool the XFL is gonna be are actual heart-felt sentiments, and not a cheap ploy to get on camera.
Just like we're sure that the XFL Blimp crash wasn't a cheap ploy to get on the news. Nope. Not a bit.
Recent articles have put forth theories on why Internet Relay Chat is dying. The true answer reason it's dying, of course, is people are tired of popping into rooms and seeing 140 people either A) Sitting there silently, waiting for someone else to speak first, B) People asking everyone "A/S/L?" or "Anyone want to chat?" or C) People spamming the channel with ads for other "rooms" featuring folks sitting around saying nothing or typing inane questions...
And what's worse than a 24-hour cable channel with 4 hours of live programming? When the 4 hours of live programming is re-runs of other day's live programming.
The only thing we're getting from these Skittles Commercials is that they seem to be marketing it to people who like to eat candy they found on the ground.
And we're sure Dr. Martin Luther King Jr's Dream involved his family whoring him, his speeches and his image as though he were the 5th Teletubbie...
Balthayzr is lobbying to get the street in front of his house renamed HomeGame Drive.