|February 26th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Survivor, again. The XFL, again. 1-800 stuff, again. Yes, it's SCHIZOTRICHIA, the only place on Earth where something can be New and a Re-Run at the same time. Well, besides the various Star Trek shows, that is.
How can you not know you have Bad Breath? Doesn't breath that smells like the bottom of a cowboy boot *taste* like the bottom of a cowboy boot?
Well, at least his appearance on a "1-800-COLLECT" commercial allowed Mr. T to buy some real gold chains, and let him dump those gold-spray-painted lamp swags he was wearing for a while...
Is it wrong that the thing we find most appealing in MonkeyBone is Kitty, the Cat Lady?
Who we're sure isn't the butt of at least one very stale "pussy" joke...
Here's the reason news on the Web is so popular: The big argument for years was that TV News was more immediate, but not very Deep. Newspaper News, on the other hand, was very detailed, but up to a day late. News on the Web, however, is both immediate *and* detailed. And, a lot of the time, completely Wrong. But, 2 out of 3 ain't too bad...
Seems the Scientologists are a little pissed at Bush, because Bush has implied that Scientology wouldn't be getting any cash from the new Office of Faith-Based and Community Initiatives, because there's concerns that Scientology is not a "legitimate religion". Which begs the question; Why does Scientology need any cash at all? Wasn't that the whole purpose of "changing" the rather restrictive rules just for the Hollywood types, so that they'd join and bring their large checkbooks with them?
And yes, think we can safely say that Bush has never taken the FREE Personality Test at Scientology's Web Site.
So, anyone wanna take bets on how long it takes for Sciento Lawyers to send us letters "explaining" how we've got this all wrong, because we asked no Sciento Representative for the "real" facts?
It's interesting to note that the same morons who use Internet Shorthand like "How r u?" and "See u l8r" will misspell Loser by *adding* a letter to it and typing "Looser". Well, it's interesting to those of us trying to fill out a 30-line column, anyways...
And if you've found you can't decipher the 2 above shorthand examples...consider yourself very, very lucky.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The XFL will be on Network Television for at least ten more years. Mainly because it will take them that long to play all the FREE Commercials they owe various companies due to the XFL not making the Rating Totals they contractually promised these companies when the commercial time was purchased.
Speaking of news (And we were. Pay attention); News organizations could save a lot of time and money just by setting their daily headline to always be "Clinton Caught Again".
Note to Joe "Time to re-adopt my old beliefs, now that I'm not a Dem VP Candidate any more" Lieberman: You really think MTV is gonna back off on JackAss now that it's gotten all this free publicity from various idiots who don't know how to read a "Don't Try This At Home" warning?
A Moment Of Silence for Stanley Kramer, director of Tom And Nicole Wide Shut and other odd-ball films, who passed on....somewhere along the line. And let's hope God is bitch-slapping him right now in an attempt to get him to finally explain just what the hell is supposedly going on at the end of 2001.
And the next person who says "How interesting that Stanley Kramer died in 2001, isn't it?" gets hurt. Badly.
If MAD Magazine accepting outside advertising and going to a full-color, glossy format isn't a Sign Of The End Times, it should be.
Of course, why not? MAD Magazine hasn't been MAD Magazine since William Gaines passed on, and Warner decided MAD needed to be more "mainstream".
Anyone else see the humorous irony when software/cable/satellite TV companies find a way to lock out the "HacKerZ", and the "HacKerZ" all show up in newsgroups and TV shows crying about how this is somehow ripping them off?
What's worse than a Cigarette Hag? A Cigarette Hag who tries to hide her Haginess (Hagidity? State of Hag?) by applying about 6 pounds of make-up.
You know what doesn't work, and probably never has worked? Posting requests to newsgroups asking that a "Sample of a Virus to Study" be sent to an email address that obviously isn't yours.
You think when the DVD version of See Spot Run comes out, that the makers are gonna bother too much with the Director's Commentary Track? "See, I thought we had to establish the True Emotional Bond between the human and the dog at this point. That's why I have the dog hump his leg for 5 minutes.".
Note to the Earnhardt Family: Not to make light of the tragedy you've suffered, but you maybe think that Dale Jr's crash during this last weekend's race was a Sign From God that maybe you and yours should look into another line of Work?
And we've heard all the "Kennedy had a Secretary named Lincoln"-like theories on how Dale Sr. and Dale Jr.'s accidents were similar. Knock it off now, please. We really don't care.
You hear about a movie with a kind-of neat title like Caveman's Valentine, and you have to wonder if some studio Big-Wig thought up the title, thought it sounded "kewl", and ordered someone to write a script around it.
News Sources are reporting that Matthew "Ain't we due another raise?" Perry has entered a rehabilitation hospital for an "undisclosed ailment". Translated, this means that his agent needs more time to come up with a sympathetic story on why we should give a damn about someone who makes 100 million dollars an episode and can't stay off the vein-candy for more than 5 minutes running.
And we're absolutely sure that the "fight" between XFL Coach Rusty Tillman and various XFL media representatives, including Jesse "The Mind" Ventura, isn't scripted AT ALL. At what point do you think we'll see Rusty get choke-slammed through a table?
Remember one important thing about various "studies"; For enough cash, you can find Researchers and Scientists who will come up with "facts" supporting any whacko position you want them to. Hell, we still got goofs out there releasing "proof" that the Earth is flat, for crying out loud...
Oh, Naked News, the wondrous web site that features detailed news bites delivered by naked women, is hiring. And we're betting that, if you chose to apply, you probably don't need to spend too much time punching up your resume.
And they must have some sort of 2-way communication technology, and thus heard the smart-ass comments made by every woman who's ever seen this site. Only way to explain why the casting call now includes requests for Men.
Speaking of walking around naked in front of cameras, you've still got time to get your application in to CBS via the CBS Web Site and be part of the PETA Enemies List by being cast on Survivor III. Please keep any "funny" theories on where it will take place to yourself, thank you very much.
Balthayzr has already collected over a hundred Rat Recipes in expectation of being chosen.