|February 19th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Bad Spelling. Bad Casting. Bad Driving. Bad Column. But hey, we found a way to work Eddie Deezen, Boffo, and "Whoo Boy!" into the mix, so it's not a total loss.
Webtender, an online database of drink recipes, is available as a WAP version. And we're sure there's a damn good reason why someone would need to look up, say, the recipe for a Zombie while driving along with their cell phone.
And maybe the Big Oil companies should have put some thought into the timing of announcing near-record profits at the same time they're announcing that gasoline might hit 3 bucks a gallon by summer...
"We'll keep your resume on file." :translation: "We'll keep your resume shoved in the back of a file cabinet *just* long enough to obey the various guidelines our lawyers set out to try and keep us from getting sued.".
And we'd like to thank Tom Cruise for ruining last week's "beard" line by showing up on the covers of various gossip rags with a 4-day stubble. We're fully capable of screwing up this column just fine on our own, thank you very much. Bastard.
Aw, what a shame. Seems "Puffy" or "Puff Daddy" or whatever and Jennifer Lopez have broken up. That means poor Puffy'll have to find someone else to hold his gun and stash until he can find True Love again.
Maybe, before you send that e-mail expressing your opinion to a live TV show, you should check your spelling a bit. Because nothing makes an opinion look idiotic like "Pentigon" or "your a stupid".
And you almost have to try to send out crap like that, because we had a major wrestling match with our text editor as it tried to correct the above examples without asking.
How, exactly, do you walk into a job interview with a straight face and tell the interviewer that you got your degree from a Correspondence School you saw advertised during the Beverly Hillbillies?
We'd just like to thank the various entities that manage to send us valuable tax information mere days after we file our taxes, no matter how long we wait until we file.
If you're going to send a company representative to answer questions on a television show, make sure it's someone that's comfortable in front of a camera and can express himself well. Because it kind of makes your company look bad when your Rep stares into the camera and says "Uh.....uh....it's like....".
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: By 2109, 90% of the homes in the world will be fully networked, with all appliances and computers and entertainment devices happily communicating with one another. And by 2110, 90% of the world will have starved to death in the dark, because that's the amount of people who can't even figure out how to turn a computer on, much less keep a computer network up and running successfully.
"Fill out this simple marketing survey and get this FREE GIFT for just the cost of Shipping and Handling!" :translation: "For 6 bucks, you can get this wonderful cheap plastic do-dad and get signed up on every junk mail list in the universe.".
Schizotrichia Fun Fact (Clip and Save!); Canned Soups are arranged on store shelves in order of Popularity, not by Name. Which means that, if you're looking for some oddball flavor like Cream Of Octopus Retinas, be prepared to crawl around the floor by the bottom shelves looking for it.
Oh, yeah, you don't look bad at all standing in line at the grocery store with 30 dollars worth of discounted Valentine's Day candy piled in your cart...
Who else here thinks that the "Who's the Father of Scully's Baby?" X-Files commercials sounded like really bad Soap Opera spots? What next, Scully gonna get amnesia? Sleep with her sister's Husband?
Just remember, a vast majority of us can't sing to save our lives. And also remember, singing Louder doesn't improve your voice one little bit.
If you spent a vast majority of your time during Valentine's Week bitching to anyone who would listen about how Valentine's Day stinks because you're alone, it *just* may be a strong indicator on why you're alone.
Chances are, if you haven't spoken to someone in over 5 years, it will be considered tacky if you invite them to your Wedding Shower/Wedding.
Note to the WWF: You might wanna re-think the slogan on the latest line of APA T-shirts. "Always Pounding Ass" probably didn't end up sounding the way you intended it to sound...
Speaking of, time to start the Countdown Clock to when the XFL folds, and McMahon goes on some nut-job conspiracy rant on why the thing couldn't pull much better than a "5" rating.
Has anyone figured out whether the ads for Fox's Boot Camp are real, or some sort of MadTV bit? Because the Drill Instructor eating the balloon animal kinda looks iffy to us.
Whoopi Goldberg's managed to land a part in the upcoming MonkeyBone, which begs the question; What goes through the mind of a typical Hollywood hack (besides crystal meth) when he looks at a script and proclaims "You know who would be perfect for this part? Whoopi!".
And anyone else find it just a tad ironic that she plays a character named "Death"?
Note to Subway: If our heart looks and sounds like a bad Eddie Deezen imitation, maybe we'd welcome a major grabber.
The house that Tom Green and Drew Barrymore share burned down over the week-end. And shame on you for thinking it had anything to do with Free-Basing or rehearsing a Wacky Stunt.
We're also pretty sure it wasn't an attempt by Tom to get "Pity Ratings" for his show. Which we're assuming is still on, because we really can't be bothered to go check.
The most classy part of Dale Earnhardt's death has to be various racing entities hinting that it was Dale's own fault he died because he wasn't wearing the "proper" safety equipment. Good show, guys.
Note to the various news Agencies; Yes, we know Eminem is a rapper. Yes, we know he's up for a Grammy or two. Yes, thank you. That's enough, now.
What the hell did you expect Clinton to say? "Oh, yeah, we got a lot of money in exchange for those pardons. Whoo boy, we hadda go down to Home Depot to get enough wheelbarrows to haul all the cash away.".
And here's a nice scary thought to rock yourself to sleep with tonight: People writing Entertainment Columns still use the word "Boffo" in a non-satirical way.
Balthayzr already knows there are no *good* Eddie Deezen imitations. But thanks, anyway.