|January 22nd, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: More Politico than anyone could possibly want or need ever, freshly prepared Dead Clowns, Animals using toilet paper, and lots of other stuff that really needs to be stored in a lead-lined drum and shot off into space, yet we felt the need to make a column out of.
A Republican has been sworn in. Which means, of course, that it is now politically correct to blame the President for anything and everything that goes wrong, anywhere.
And was anyone ever amused by Show Hosts or News Anchors who act Surprised to discover that the cameras are on?
We suppose "Ripped From Today's Headlines" sounds a lot better than "We couldn't come up with an idea to save our lives, so we "borrowed" a couple of ideas out of the paper".
The best way to find out that your water heater has finally gone south is when you run out of hot water right after you've soaped up in the shower, thus forcing you to stand under freezing water to rinse off.
We completely believe that Wrestlers and Professional Athletes get muscular through the use of "Bulk Up" powders and vitamins. Shame on you for thinking that it had anything to do with Steroids or Human Growth Hormone. Don't you cynical people know that's against the rules?
Really doesn't make much sense buying one of those Cookbook CDs. By the time you boot up the computer, load the program, page through all the recipes, and print out the one you want, you could have finished off some take-out pizza.
Commercials for upcoming programs on television do seem to do their job well, as they do make us look forward to the programming. Mainly because, once the program is shown, they'll stop showing the damn commercials every 5 minutes...
So, Jesse Jackson had a child outside his marriage. And allegedly used taxpayer-donated PUSH money for child support. The real question here being; What poor sap is gonna commit Career Suicide by even daring to hint investigating the money-related charges and thus get labeled a Racist forever?
Oh, and we've heard all the "Now we know why Jesse was so good at counseling Clinton over the Monica situation" jokes, thank you very much. Please stop now.
Let's see if we've got enough details about this situation to have an informed opinion (Like that ever stopped us before); EBay, thanks to a stern letter from Sony, has stopped allowing auctions from people who are selling their high-level EverQuest characters and hard-to-get EverQuest in-game magic items. Which, of course, begs the question: Isn't buying someone else's characters and stuff like paying someone else to finish a video game for you? Worse, like paying them to finish a video game for you and not watching the ending as they do it?
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: By 2306 the exact reason dinosaurs became extinct will be discovered. By this time, however, the Dinosaur Fad will have finally and mercifully worn off, so no one will give a damn besides the 8000 Discovery Channels.
People Who Really Need To Be Slapped: Idiots who download warEz, find out they don't work properly or are infected with viruses, and actually write e-mails to the software pirates and post complaints in various warEz newsgroups as though the wacky hackers are going to give enough of a rat's ass to fix their computers for them.
People Who Really Need To Be Slapped II: Idiots who actually purchase warEz CDs over the net via credit card. Because we all know, from past experience, how responsible hackers are with credit card numbers.
Just remember, any news source that doesn't completely agree with your world views is a "Propaganda Machine".
Here's a good incentive to stay off drugs; You ever hear of someone's lifetime of drug use coming to a Happy Ending? "I met my wife while waiting in line at the Crack House, and it's been 20 wonderful years. And, my pusher was a good enough character reference for me to get that Big Promotion!".
Ooh, here's a big incentive to go see the new Spider-Man movie. Rumor has it that it features a battle between our hero and the worst, most bone-chilling villain the world has ever seen; Randy "Steven Segal does my hair for me" Savage. In a wrestling cage match. Better get in line for those tickets now, kiddies, they're gonna go fast.
We had high hope for Los Luchadores, a new Fox Kids series that promised to bring back the wonderful days of those old El Santo movies. Unfortunately, after seeing the previews, it looks more like it should be called Los Rangers de Power.
But, the series does get a couple of brownie points for having one of the main villains be a Chihuahua in a Hannibal Lecter "No Biting, Please" mask.
And yes, we know Los Rangers de Power isn't proper Spanish. Or maybe it is. Point is, we didn't really think it was worth the trouble to check, seeing as how it would have cut into our Nintendo 64 No Mercy time. And we've got a Title Bout to win, dammit!
You think Hillary is gonna let Bill be her Co-Senator?
There's a Theme Park opening down in Orlando called "The HolyLand Experience", that lets you, among other things, explore Jesus' Tomb and walk along a re-creation of the streets Christ walked along on his way to Calvary (where he got crucified, you heathens). For some reason, we keep getting disconnected when we call and ask how much they charge to actually nail someone up so as to get the total experience.
And yes, there is another "Dumb Floridian" line that could be made about that place. And no, you're not getting it here.
A big Thank You goes out to Charmin for yet another charming series of print ads, these ones featuring an elephant in line behind another elephant, holding her tail in that "Circus Elephants On Parade" pose, commenting on how glad she is that her friend uses Charmin to keep "clean". Because, of course, the American Public is so stupid, it has to be reminded via illustrations just what toilet paper is *for*...
One group of Physicists at Cambridge, Mass has discovered a way to stop a light beam and then "restart" it from it's stopping point, thus sending it on it's merry way. Another group of scientists at the Brookhaven National Laboratory have created what they claim is the "Densest substance ever". Is it just us, or do these sound less like something with a lot of Practical Applications, and more like something to settle a lot of Drunken Bar Bets?
Now that AOL "owns" Time-Warner, and thus CNN, you think maybe they could do something with CNN's web site so that it doesn't look like it was slapped together in 5 minutes using a copy of FrontPage?
Speaking of Jesse Jackson (and we did, somewhere along the line...), didn't take long for Jackson to go from claiming Bush wasn't the real president, to listing a bunch of things Bush better do for Him and All The People if Bush knows what's politically good for him, did it?
And what's more fun than a site with a bunch of Pop-Up Ads? A site that has a bunch of Pop-Up appear as you *leave* it, so that some other poor slob and his web site gets blamed for them.
Maybe hackers would stop hitting and taking over all these web sites and writing viruses if it didn't make front page news every bloody time.
A Moment Of Silence for Roy Brown, better known as Cooky The Clown on the Chicago version of "Bozo's Circus". Here's hoping Saint Peter isn't as scared silly of clowns as we and 98 percent of the rest of Mankind are...
And just remember, somewhere out there, no matter what point in time you happen to be reading this, Bill Clinton is probably giving yet another Farewell Speech.
Balthayzr sometimes purposely leaves in spelling and grammatical errors so that aspiring proofreaders can get in some much-needed practice.