|February 5th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Marriages end. People die. And, because none of it directly affects us, we don't give a damn. But, we've got a column to write, so we guess we'll have to care long enough to type it up and upload it. After that, however, it's just too damn bad.
We know we're certainly excited by the new fall show Who Wants To Date A Hooter's Girl?. Otherwise known as Who Wants To Be Named In A Future Sexual Harassment Suit?
Or, more likely, Who Wants To Go On A Very Boring Date After Signing A Contract Swearing You'll Never Even Get Within 5 Feet Of The Hooter's Girl, Because That Was The Only Way We Could Get The Girls To Agree To This?
However, that one's probably a bit too wordy to fit into the typical DNA-sized newspaper TV listings. Also a bit too wordy to be amusing, but what the hell, it fills out a column nicely.
Our favorite back-of-the-package recipe is the famous Ritz Cracker "Mock Apple Pie", where we're actually supposed to believe that lumps of soggy Ritz Cracker crumbs will taste just like baked apple slices, honest!
What Would Jesus Do? Well, He probably wouldn't whore His good name with a bunch of crappy hand-made jewelry, for one.
Incoming Clue Alert: Remember, your PhotoShop page isn't complete without a tutorial on how to do Shiny Chrome Text.
And don't forget the Shiny Gold Text one, which is just Chrome Text done with a different color.
You can accurately measure the crap factor of a film by counting how many people are thanked in the End Credits and multiplying by One.
Haven't we had quite enough "Teaser Trailers" of upcoming movies which are just a series of close-ups of the movie's CGI Logo tumbling around to extremely self-important music and narration?
"The answer to that question is on my website" is *not* an answer to that question.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The Screen Actor's Guild, aided by the ACLU and other free-speech advocates, will successfully sue the various Awards Shows, so that actors and actresses will no longer be limited in content or length in their Acceptance Speeches. In order to save Network Television, which due to the lengthened speeches is now having months worth of programming pre-empted by Marlon Brando-sized ceremonies, all Awards shows will be moved to their own 24/7 Cable Network.
Nothing quite boosts the ratings of a show like the disclaimer "Due to the Graphic Nature of this program, viewer discretion is advised".
And we can honestly say that, for the most part, we're severely disappointed with the "Graphic Nature" of these programs. A bloody lip is not "Graphic Nature". Saying Asshole or Pissed is not "Graphic Nature". Watching a woman, from behind, remove her bra is not "Graphic Nature"...
You ever have one of those days where, no matter where you stood or walked or moved, you managed to be in someone's way?
Why does Nickelodeon plaster it's name and logo all over the opening credits of syndicated shows it purchases? Does it think 1) That kids are so stupid that they have to be reminded every 3 seconds what channel they're watching, or 2) That there's some cheap-ass local station out there taping shows off other channels to show itself, and Nick does this to protect it's "Intellectual Properties"?
Must have been a quiet week in the news, since our local paper devoted quite a bit of room this past week-end to a story in which they study the types of things people leave in taxis. Because we worry about things like that, not stuff that happens in those icky foreign governments or complicated medical research labs.
Whoo-hoo! An extra 10 minutes of Friends every week, along with an extra special SNL bit in the leftover 20 minutes! But, if the stuff is crap in the first place, promising us more of it is not really a *good* thing, now is it? "Oh, didn't like that Chicken Liver Cereal? Here, have another bowl, then." "Gee, thanks mister!"
And 10 minutes more, once you get past all the extra commercials and arty-fartsy establishing shots, is about, what, 16 extra seconds of content anyway?
Michael Cuccione, who starred as "Q.T." in the MTV satirical boy-band 2gether has passed on. Thus proving our theory that Boy Bands procure their popularity not with talent, but with Occult Powers, and aren't afraid to use these Powers against their detractors.
Has Roseanne gone away yet? And by gone away, we mean accidentally stumbled into a Wormhole that dumped her into a star so far away that it's light won't reach us until long after our own sun has burned out?
Nobody wants to hear your goofy-assed theories on Christmas Fruitcake. Not where you think it comes from, not what you think it's made out of, nothing. Especially in February.
See the desk. See the chair. See the label "Professional Office/Computer Furniture". See the price go up by a factor of 5.
There's something not quite right about seeing "Be My Icon" or "EMail Me" on those little candy Valentine hearts.
Donny Osmond's releasing a new album. Made up of mostly Show tunes. Oh, our cup runneth over...
Nice to see people from the New AOL/Time Warner company aren't too big to take advice. Either that, or it's just a big coincidence that CNN redesigned it's web site mere days after we mentioned here how slap-dash it looked. We, of course, prefer to believe Communication Mega-Giants take time to consider suggestions from hastily-written Rant Columns.
We're happy to report that MTV has renewed Jackass for at least 16 more episodes, thus supplying brain-dead viewers with many more imaginative ways to injure themselves.
And a Moment of Silence for the marriage of Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. Seems the kids are calling it quits for the typical "divergent careers" excuse. We eagerly await the Press release from Scientology HQ explaining how something so horrible could happen to these two good little Scientos.
Insert your own "beard" joke here. Feel free to go ask Mommy and Daddy what "beard" has to do with the clean-shaven Tom Cruise.
Alien 5. WHY?? Guess Weaver came down with Leonard Nimoy "I said I quit, but found out I can't even get into a 1-800 Commercial, so I un-quit" Syndrome.
And we'd like to apologize to all the people out there that we've called "Web Masters". The proper snotty pretentious term is "Content Provider". Thank you.
Balthayzr saw his shadow, which means 6 more weeks of bad "saw his shadow" jokes.