Schizotrichia by Balthayzr

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A Random Xmas

February 12th, 2001

Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: Guns are fired at the White House, writers are fired off an unnecessary sequel, and we risk the fires of Hell by making more comments about God. What we're saying is, it's nothing you really haven't seen here before, we just say it differently this time.

The Mole, or Survivor, But With Indoor Plumbing.

Is it wrong that we hope that not only is this Barbra's Last Concert, but it's the last we'll see of her before she assumes a Howard Hughes-like reclusive existence?

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? is successful because it follows the tried-and-true TV formula; It's simple, it gets the audience involved, and it originated in England.

Speaking of, aren't we long overdue for some idiot to try their hand at making an American version of Fawlty Towers?

And Speaking of Millionaire; Cripes, so far the Rock Stars on the "Special Edition" haven't won enough to cover their drug-and-toupee bills, much less enough to make a good charitable contribution. Looks like it's time to dig into those bank accounts to save face, ya wacky Rockers...

Maybe it's because we're a little lazy, but we're not at all intrigued by Baby Bottle Pop or any other novelty candy that makes us read a set of instructions to "operate" the treat properly.

Best Spam Of The Week; A Porn Spam with the Subject "Have you come out of the closet yet?" Hell, we'll admit that it did trick us into opening the damn thing.

Why the hell are we always surprised when the guy who takes a pot-shot at the Prez or The White House ends up having a "history of Mental Illness'? "Well, I was out walking my dog, and had nothing better to do while I was waiting for him to do his business, so I took a shot at the White House. Why?".

Rumors abound that someone's actually making an Everquest-like online Role-playing game, but with a Christian "backstory". And we say; We ain't playing unless we get to be the Old Testament God and Smite the shit out of anyone who pisses us off.

Think we can all agree that the Internet hasn't quite become the Teaching Tool we all envisioned it being. However, we can probably all agree that it's become a wonderful place to keep track of most of the world's Nut-Cases.

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: TimmyBigHands, the late, lamented comedy site written by ex-MST3K cast members, will be purchased by a consortium of "MSTies". They will attempt to continue the type of humor now found in the site for about 2 months before the site degenerates into a typical MST Fan Site: An extremely anal Episode Guide, the same half-dozen Cast Photos every other Fan Site contains, badly recorded .WAVs, a collection of supposedly hilarious "MSTings", and Links to other borderline-stalker MST3K Fan Sites. The difference will be noted by absolutely No One.

The best sign of a truly Quality Show is that all the stars can quit and be replaced, sometimes by relative nobodies, and it's still just as Good.

Let that be a Special Incoming Clue Alert to all the Shelly Longs/David Duchovnys/George Clooneys out there; They don't come to watch You, they come to watch the show. Well, the normal people do, anyways...

Is *anyone* surprised that the typical XFL crowd looks and acts exactly like the typical WWF crowd?

Always kind of a sad day when you find out that one of your favorite "feel good" 80's songs was actually some extremely radical Politico statement.

It's not really laziness that makes us hunt for the remote. It's because your typical TV/Cable Box really doesn't have a lot of control buttons on it, anymore. You go right ahead and hold down the "Channel +" button to get from channel 5 to channel 256, we'll watch...

OK, we've all seen the Budweiser "What are YOU doing???" commercial, thank you very much. You can stop now.

People Who Need To Be Slapped; Anyone who moves more than once every 5 years without some sort of job transfer or disaster being involved. And expects you, as a friend, to just drop everything and come help them pack at the Zero Hour.

"Hello. Please stay on the line. Your call is very important to us. We know we get your expectations up when we play this message every 30 seconds, making you think a Live Person has picked up the line. And to this, we say HA HA."

You realize that, when you pay extra to buy a movie on DVD that contains a "Commentary" audio track, you're just paying for the privilege of having strangers talk over the movie you're trying to watch? Isn't that why you waited for the home release instead of paying to see it in the theatres?

Of course, the difference here being that you can shut the strangers up with the push of a button, so it's probably just a whole wish-fulfillment thing.

Google, one of the Internet's better Search Engines, has purchased the Usenet Archive part of DejaNews. And maybe all the crybabies out there should give Google more than a couple of days to re-catalogue and straighten out the archive. Hell, look how long it took Deja to destroy it.

At the worst, Google probably won't re-design the damn site every 5 days...

A Moment Of Silence for Dale "Mrs. Roy Rogers" Evans, who joined her husband and various horses in the Great Beyond last week. We'll just wait here until you get all your "Stuffed and Mounted" jokes out of your system.

And Napster's DOWN! No, no, it's back! It's Gone Again! It''s....ah, who the hell cares anymore? Just do something so all the bloody computer geeks can find something else to write outraged columns about.

Hannibal opened to an almost record box-office this past week-end, despite the fact 90% of the people seeing it reported it being a Cinematic Turd. So, who's surprised?

Should we be seeing trailers for The Santa Clause II considering the numerous reports that filming is "Indefinitely Delayed", due to the first script draft (written by Don Rhymer of Carpool and Big Momma's House writing fame) being "punched up" by Peter Martin Wortmann and Robert Conte, who gave us Who's Harry Crumb? This thing's got "Let's dump this bomb before it costs the studio any more money" written all over it...

And what the hell we gonna see in Part II, anyway? They gonna kill the Easter Bunny now? Santa going to Mars and bring the gift of Xmas to lonely Martian kids? Ecch, don't even kid about that...

No matter how much sense your Conspiracy Theory makes, it sounds like shack-in-the-Montana-Backwoods time the second you mention "The CIA" or "The KGB"...

And here's hoping lovely HomeGame News Correspondent EvilJen and her equally lovely husband have a nice time in Paris, and don't get tricked into eating Raw Snail Brains or Lightly Toasted Frog Anuses or any other disgusting slimy "Gourmet" thing the French trick tourists into eating...

Balthayzr wonders where he can go now for his Wacky Waffle Ad Fix.

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