|March 5th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: More Michael Jackson And Kids news, a man likes a woman and gets busted for it, a celeb starts a Clothing Line, and we talk about Porn. In other words, it's Business as Usual. Return to your homes.
We'd like to be the first to protest the new opening segment of The Screen Savers, where they make witty commentary on news of the day. Because no one besides us here at HG Industries ever thought of doing something like that...
Word has it that Amazon.com and Wal-Mart have formed some sort of Alliance. Which means either 1) All the webmasters at Amazon will now be pregnant 15-year-old high-school drop-outs, or 2) Wal-Mart has offered to hire all the folks from Amazon once the place finally runs out of sucker....uh, Capital Investors.
A limo driver was fired from his job after sending Julia Roberts flowers and candy for Valentine's Day, because, according to his bosses, it qualified as "Stalking". Let that be a lesson to all you men out there; Paying any sort of attention to a woman is Bad. Or something.
Jennifer Lopez has announced that she is starting her own "Urban" Clothing Line. Which begs several questions; 1) Why do 99% of the News Sites out there find this newsworthy? We at least got an excuse, it's late and we're trying to fill up 30 lines. 2) What the hell is an "Urban" Clothing Line? Is it that look where you wear a hooded sweatshirt all year round, and pants whose belt line is hanging somewhere around your crotch? That's gotta be a mental challenge, designing that. 3) What is with everyone calling her J.Lo? It sounds like one of those drinks you get by mixing something with Orange Juice.
And from our No, It's Not April 1st Yet file; A feature film based on the 3 Stooges "characters" is in the works, being a co-development of Peter and Bobby Farrelly (There's Something About Mary; Dumb And Dumber) and Earl and Robert Benjamin, stepsons of the most beloved Stooge of all, Curly Joe DeRita. There has *got* to be some sort of award out there for News Stories that manage to be Very Amusing and Very Sad all at the same time...
Speaking of whoring our childhood memories, Fat Albert is being developed as a Motion Picture by Bill Cosby. Meaning we can look forward to the amusing sight of 900-pound protesters staggering around picket lines in front of theatres showing this flick, claiming it makes fun of the Obese without ever having laid eyes on either it or the badly-animated cartoon that inspired it. Because it is your right as an American to be offended and protest anything without really knowing anything about it, or exactly why you're offended by it.
Cousin Couples.com is a "support" web site for people who have married their First Cousins. It is *not* a Fetish Porn site. Just thought people should learn from our mistakes.
And no, we don't spend all our free time searching the net for Porn. We've got most of the good sites bookmarked, so the actual searching doesn't take very long at all.
Michael Jackson will be making a speech at Oxford for the Heal The Kids foundation, and will also be the best man at Uri "I'm not a Pokemon, dammit!" Geller's wedding. Feel free to make any jokes about why it might be bad to have a psychic anywhere near Michael when he talks about kids.
The next person who asks us "If one of you Catholics chews his nails on Friday during Lent, is it a Sin?" gets a free back-of-the-head slap. Not that we're offended, mind you, we've just heard it over 800 times this week alone, and we're beginning to hear it chanted in our sleep.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: By 2023, the only online businesses to survive the "Dot-Com Crash" will be Job-Hunting sites like Monster.com and Dice.Com, as every other goofball who thought their hair-brained idea for a business would succeed just because it was on a web site ends up scrambling for a job before the repo men come for the Lexus.
Reports are coming out that William Shakespeare might have been a pot and cocaine user. Which, having read his work, probably explains a lot.
And you DENK-heads out there could learn a lesson from The Bard. He hid his stash so well, it took this long for science to find any sort of evidence against him.
In case you haven't been paying attention, Art "I didn't take a vacation, I was hiding from the Black Helicopters" Bell is back on the late-night airwaves. It's nice to know that, once again, the Conspiracy And UFO crowd has a place to have their voices heard besides the sidewalks outside downtown stores, bus stations, and really frightening newsgroups.
We lost what little hope we had for Mankind this past weekend after purchasing a new portable phone, getting it home, and discovering the antenna has an arrow on it's tip so users will know what direction to pull the antenna so that the antenna will extend properly. Cripes.
It's interesting to note that the same News Agencies that are writing articles on why Clinton won't "Go away" are the same ones running 20-page photo spreads of Bill out walking his dog or shaking hands outside his local Target.
Note to the Spammers: The "Delinquent Account Notice" might have actually fooled us into opening the e-mail if we hadn't noticed that it had come from a person called "HotWetMomma".
You know your movie is probably not gonna get a lot of Oscar Nominations when a large portion of the newspaper ad is a notice that a trailer for a better movie will be playing before your little stinkbomb.
Note to TechTV's Internet Tonight; You might want to stop interviewing folks who vandalize other people's property and post it on their web sites in the name of "protest" or "art". It's called Accessory After The Fact.
It was not exploitive AT ALL for all the commercials for the recent Survivor II showing to be "Lookie! Someone got seriously injured! Will we show the footage? Tune In and Find Out!".
Of course, saying you don't watch these Reality-based TV shows in order to hopefully catch some emotional or physical pain is like saying you watch Real Sex or Shock Video on cable for the sociological and anthropological aspects of the programs.
Note to people driving with their Brights on; When you're coming at people's cars from the other lane, and you wait until you're about 5 feet from them before you dim your brights, you're really not doing anyone any favors.
Eminem's wife is divorcing him. Pretend to be surprised. Pretend even harder that you care.
Speaking of Rap; Saying something is "Da BOMB!"? It stops. Now.
Note to various "protesting" knuckleheads; All putting out the Olympic Torch shows the world, is that you're a knucklehead.
And we'd like to thank the K-Mart Corporation for their most recent series of TV ads that put the image of a naked Martha Stewart into our heads. Expect the bills for the extensive therapy, Trepanation and other attempts we've made to remove that vileness in your mail-box any day now.
And we're not quite sure what to make of the fact that our Spell-Checker already had Trepanation in it...
The XFL is doing so badly, owner Vince McMahon has proposed boosting the ratings by placing cameras in the cheerleader's dressing rooms. Where, of course, the girls will make completely unscripted comments about their sex lives wearing tiny, wet towels while vague lesbian body language occurs. Because everyone knows that's what goes on in girl's locker rooms.
Do yourself a favor; If there's a TV show you've been waiting a long time to see, pop a video tape in your VCR and start taping it, even if you have no intention on keeping it. Because, the longer you've waited to see this show, the better the chances that someone will need to go to the emergency room, or your Significant Other will decide that this is the time they most need your complete attention, or that you're needed to go to the store RIGHT NOW to get a necessary ingredient for tonight's meal, or something...
Here's a nice FREE friendly bit of advice; Not everyone shares your Sleep Schedule. See, just because you're up and around at 4:30AM doesn't mean everyone else is, and calling them up at such an Ungodly hour is Not A Good Thing.
Balthayzr has watched about 5 minutes of the XFL. Which, he feels, was more than enough.