|June 18th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We relate the latest Casket News, have Fun With Blasphemy, and just generally discuss Death, Breasts, and the new career choices of Carrot-Top and Sandra Bernhard. Just not all at the same time. Jeez, even we have our limits.
Anybody ever deciphered the lyrics to the opening theme of Raw Is War? And, if so, do they have anything to do with wrestling?
Note to TNN: Just what the Hell is a "POP-est" Movie? If you mean "Complete Load of Crap", just come out and say it...
And speaking of TNN, seems Vince McMahon can't get them to put on a WCW show, because they don't want to be seen as a "Wrestling Network". No, we guess it's better to be known as the network that picked up a bunch of old TV series and movies no one else wanted and keeps promoting them with this "So lousy it's COOL!" POP crapola.
Is any one anywhere fooled by these Advertisements disguised as News Stories, cautioning us to hurry and send in those checks before the supplies of this Great New Collectable are Gone Forever? C'mon, you know you want a sheet of Betty Boop Stamps from Tasmania.
Britney Spears isn't in hiding due to excessive acne. Nor has she died in a car accident. Nor does she star in a backstage Orgy film available as a .EXE Download. Honestly, we did all this research for you.
And you know that, somewhere out there, there's some idiot that saying that if those Japanese Schoolkids would have had Concealed Weapons, that Knifing Rampage would never have happened.
WWF Tough Enough, or Watch A Group Of Slack-Jawed Wrestling Fans Go Through More Training Than 3/4 Of The WWF Talent Does.
Murder In Small Town X. NOT Murder In A Small Town. At least, that's what all the Lawyers involved are saying. All a coincidence. Yep.
What percentage of Movies and TV Series in your collection have you never watched again since you first taped them?
Actual News Item; Web Programmers Flock To Porn Sites. Gee, wonder why? Could it be that Porn Sites actually make money and can afford to employ them for more than 3 months?
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: After numerous Injury and Fraud-related Lawsuits, by 2102 Truth-In-Advertising Laws will become so strict that every ad will simply be a shot of the product being hawked, with the text "Please buy some of this. Thank you" accompanying it.
How can Go Fish possibly fail? It stars a Lost Culkin Sibling AND Andy "Graduate of the Robin Williams School of Drug-Fueled Comedy" Dick!
Note to all the Men out there; A sure sign that the argument is over, or damn well better be if you know what's good for you - "Please, honey...for ME?".
Ya know, printing "WASH ME" on the side of a dirty vehicle stopped being amusing somewhere around the time the Kaiser first showed up.
Ah, nothing adds to the allure of a hot, humid summer day like the lingering odor of freshly-laid Road-or-Roof tar.
Start saving you Movie-Going pennies now, kids; Beverly Hills Cop IV is going into production as you read this.
And, if Movie History is any indicator, we can look forward to a delightful cover version of the haunting "Axel's Theme" by, most likely, Eminem. Or Faith Hill, either's good.
Just in time to buy and put away for Holiday Gift-Giving; Michael Jordan Limited Edition Palm Pilots. Meaning, what, we're gonna be seeing tons of news stories about inner-city youths shooting each other for their PDAs?
Let Tomb Raider teach you a lesson; you can predict the Stench Factor of any movie by taking the number of Writers and/or Rewrites involved with the picture in question and multiplying by One.
We do have to admit, the Tomb Raider Movie does capture the essence of the Video Game, in that it, too, focuses a lot on Lara's Breasts. We will step back from the obvious Silicon/Silicone jokes, though.
And we do have to ask: Is Jolie actually that weird, with all her stories about drinking her husband's blood and taking knives to bed, or is just an act designed to keep her name in the gossip columns?
Think the Oxford Dictionary actually sells more copies because it puts all these current slang expressions in, like "D'OH!", or is it a Cheap Ploy to get FREE Advertising, because every news agency on Earth thinks this kind of stuff is Newsworthy? Either that, or we're supposed to think that "What does Homer Simpson say when he does something stupid?", or "True or False; Full Monty signifies full frontal nudity." appears on a lot of College Entrance Exams...
We're we seeing things, or has Fox Kids actually re-made the old Rankin-Bass King Kong series, with just a touch of Johnny Sokko And His Giant Robot tossed in for flavor?
Someone needs to tell Anthony "Luke" Geary that his crew-cut and stubble doesn't make him look sexy, as much as it makes him look like an Albino Tennis Ball.
If you advertise your web-site as a "Napster Alternative", you have no right to look surprised when the Copyright Lawyers start sending you those lovely "CEASE AND DESIST!" letters.
All right, which one of you bastards thought it would be a good idea to have Carrot-Top haunt the nightmares of the nation by returning from Career Death and do "1-800" commercials? You're only making it worse by not coming forward and owning up to it, you know.
A&E is actually giving Sandra Bernhard some sort of talk show. Which begs the question; It surely ain't Entertainment. So, is it supposed to be Art?
Psalm of Schizo 13-20; And the Lord looked down from Heaven, and saw Steve Fosset once again preparing his Around-The-World-Trip Balloon. And He said Unto His angels "Cripes, that idiot just won't take a hint. Excuse me while I stop him from killing himself." And He sent down the Holy Wind, that did tear his balloon asunder, and it didst make Steve decide to find another, less stupid way to fritter away his spare time and money.
And look at it this way; You want to trust your life to a vehicle that can be completely destroyed by a summer breeze?
And from our It Ain't April Fool's Day file; KISS Kaskets. Not only can you spend eternity in a box covered with the lovely grease-painted visages of the Pop-Metal Foursome, you can give the Dearly Departed a proper wake, because the Casket is WaterProof and Insulated so it can double as a Booze Cooler.
Balthayzr wants to be buried in a Baha Men casket. Is that so wrong?