|May 28th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We celebrate Memorial Day by (insert rant about honoring our Fighting Men and Women with Mattress Sales here), note that the Spice Girl Curse continues, and mention McDonald's *just* enough times to get hits from lawyers searching the net for Copyright Infringement. Hell, page hits are page hits.
The Test; or I'll Ask A Stupid Question, You All Give Stupid Answers. It's Funny!
The PJs are gone. Again. Let this be a lesson to you; when a network cancels a show, it *does* once in a while have a good reason.
They're currently scripting a Hogan's Heroes movie. So, get ready for 1) People once again complaining about a comedy that "makes fun of the Holocaust", and; 2) For the rest of the people to complain about a movie that says "All Germans are Nazis".
If Law And Order has taught us anything about Law Enforcement, it's that Cops basically sit around and wait for people to stumble across murder victims.
Okay, we hereby nominate X-Pac's "X-Factor" Theme song as the Worst Wrestling Theme Song Ever.
Evolution; It's *NOT* bits and pieces from Dan Ackroyd's Ghostbusters 3 script, Honest!
Small Law Lesson; Not Guilty doesn't mean the suspect and/or his lawyer think he's innocent. Pleading Not Guilty simply means you'd like a trial, as opposed to going right to jail.
Oh, yeah, That lady embezzled hundreds of thousands because she was "Shopping Addicted". Well, we're Smart-Ass Addicted, meaning we should get to say anything to anyone we want without fear of reprisal. Hey, it's a Disease, we can't help ourselves. Morons.
Imagine if we weren't past the "We can do a Pee-Wee's Playhouse, too!" phase, and the Abominations Unto God that would probably be coming out from Pauly Shore and Adam Sandler.
Beware of movies whose Positive Reviews all seem to come from the same source/review.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2032, in a misguided attempt to stop folks from dropping dead of heart attacks at 40, Krispy Kremes, McDonalds, and other snack foods will be declared Controlled Substances.
And a Moment of Silence for Whitman "Grady" Mayo, who passed on last week at the age of 70. Hands up, everyone who thought he *was* 70 back when he was on Sanford And Son.
Okay, now hands up, everyone who thought he was dead long before this point in time.
The next would-be comic who says "Oh, end of Pearl Harbor? The Japanese did it!" gets an official SCHIZOTRICHIA back-of-the-head slap.
You ever stop and wonder why we never got a Goonies sequel? Neither did we.
We will admit to wondering just what kind of coke-fueled coma Spielberg was going through when he decided "I know! I'll remake Our Gang, but with more modern stereotypes!".
McDonald's has officially apologized to vegetarians worldwide for any confusion over meat (read:Beef Flavoring) in their french fries. The true question here being; Isn't it a bit hypocritical for any vegetarian to be eating anything in a fast-food burger joint?
You know how there's this Usenet Rule that says any argument is over when one participant calls the other "Hitler" or "a Nazi"? We need an amendment to that rule saying that the argument is over when one participant claims the other is still "Living in his parent's basement".
We're pretty sure sales of the PC game Black And White will drop off after word gets out that it's not as much about raising a Giant Evil Mutant Cow than is is about telling a bunch of really clueless natives when it's time to Screw and Poop. Repeatedly, because they never seem to catch on.
Ah, Jurassic Park III. Exactly how do you explain to folks how you were too good to be in the first sequel, but are perfectly willing to be in the second sequel?
Another Note To The Software Companies; "That Problem is fixed in our New Version. Buy NOW!" is *not* the answer people want to hear when they complain about a flaw in your Product.
The Rolling Stones are planning yet another tour. Feel free to dust off any "Golden Wheelchair Tour" jokes you haven't used yet.
And hey, as long as they can entertain, let 'em tour. You think people are going to be lining up to buy tickets to N'Sync or 98 Degrees when these guys are 50+?
"Sporty Spice" has come out with her first Solo Effort, a little bomberino called Melanie C: Northern Star. Just in case you needed any last minute Wedding Shower Gift Ideas.
And be warned; She claims her "Musical Influences" are Fiona Apple and Eminem. Which is kind of like saying your Political Influences are Louis Farrakhan and David Duke.
Remember, America's Funniest Home Videos is once again back from the dead and accepting tapes. Meaning it's time to once again risk permanent groin injury on the off-chance your 10-second tape will be shown on TV so the whole country can see what a complete moron you are. Oh, yeah, there is a cash prize of some sort, as well.
Oh, God. Does this mean more of those damn Jackalope Videos?
History Of A Product; You invent a Product. A couple of years later, you invent a "Disposable" version that saves people the trouble of cleaning and maintaining your product. Few years go by, and you then invent a "Reusable" version that Saves Our Planet and is Cheaper To Use because you're not constantly buying new ones...
Maybe you have approached the level of Trash if a large amount of your wardrobe declares your love for Bingo and/or Casino Gaming.
And just to prove Life Is Stranger Than Rant Column; after we made the rather weak joke last week about Blake fleeing in a White Bronco, we stumbled across a news story in which O.J. Simpson *has* reportedly given legal and personal advice to Robert Blake. Which has fueled so many jokes that various "comics" and "commentators" should be sending checks to Simpson.
Balthayzr mailed O.J. a box of golf balls as his payment.