|April 2nd, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: It's about Porn, and Babs (Ugh. That's 2 words that shouldn't be in a sentence together, huh?), and Fast Food, and Bad TV. It's like a bad Saturday Night at home in handy Text Form. Oh, and we went to a Wedding over the week-end, in case you couldn't tell.
Just what the hell do they put in Taco Bell food that makes the people consuming them in their commercials act so damn goofy?
Anyone else got a Wedding Oracle in their family? You know, the person (usually a woman) who can look at the happy couple at the altar, lean over to you, say "It'll never last"...and always be right about it?
TechTV has revamped their line-up, in order to provide a lot more Live Programming. Which is kind of a shame, because there was something comforting about knowing that, almost no matter what time you turned to the channel, you could catch Internet Tonight and bask in the Glory of the Surf Guru.
This has gotta be one of those April Fools stories. Puff Daddy is changing his "name" to P. Diddy. Which sounds a bit like something a baby does in his diapers.
And we eagerly await the part where Nintendo sends him nasty letters in an attempt to protect it's "Diddy Kong" trademark...
Thigh Masters cause Breast Cancer. That's what we can assume from Suzanne Sommer's announcement that she has cancer. Hey, we used the same basic methods as a lot of those "studies" out there, and we didn't spend a dime of taxpayer money to do it.
And we should point out that the above line was what we call "Attempted Humor". It is Not Real. We thought we should point that out before that "Thigh Masters Cause Breast Cancer" line starts popping up in thousands of Email Chain Letters...
Ellen DeGeneres is getting a new series. Reports say that the storyline involves her leaving the Big City for her small Home Town. Which kind of sounds like John Goodman's Normal, Ohio. Which died a quick and horrible death. Which proves that the typical TV Executive has a memory span comparable to the average goldfish.
Is it wrong that we picked up Jackie Chan's Autobiography, and the first chapter that we turned to was the one that lists all his Injuries?
And Kudos to Uncle Ben's for finding a Politically Correct skin color for the cannibals in their commercial; Orange. No one can object to that, except maybe German Tourists and Hulk Hogan.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: A loophole will be discovered in the Antiquities And Landmarks Laws, which will be used to create a law that requires people to stop at every Stuckey's they come across and purchase a Pecan Log.
If The Lone Gunmen has done nothing else, it's given hope to millions of Black Helicopter-fearing, Art Bell-calling, JFK-theorizing misfits that, they too, will be look upon someday as lovable, bumbling superheroes. And we're not quite sure how to feel about that.
Note to Domino's Pizza, Pizza Hut, et al; Maybe if your pizza was any good, you wouldn't have to come with all these oddball "novelty" pizzas to get people to buy the stuff.
Let Milosovic's arrest be a lesson to all you would-be despots out there; Have you ever seen a Dictator's Life come to a *happy* ending?
We can kind of understand why they spam the hell out of that "Increase Your Penis Size" crap. They really need to push a product that depends on a buyer base of men who are willing to admit to strangers that they're *not* hung like a racehorse...
Here's a fun little project to keep you occupied on those gloomy, rainy days; Open your Newsreader. Look at your list of Binary-Erotica-Pictures newsgroups. See if you can guess the exact subject matter of the pictures in the newsgroup just from the name of the newsgroup they're in.
Why the hell are there those Content Rating things on Playboy Channel shows? Do Porn channels actually show non-porn programming, so that the pornos need the rating things to show viewers that it's time to put the kiddies to bed and enjoy the Whack-Off part of the day's programming?
And sitting in a wedding and remarking "*She's* wearing white???" is no longer Funny. It's not even good enough to be Catty.
Is it wrong for 2 girls to dance together, at a club or wedding or anything? Nope. Not one bit. We certainly won't raise any objections. Just call us Open-Minded.
You know, writing any sort of News or Commentary Column around April 1st is such a royal pain, because you have to actually do research on any story you stumble across to insure that it's not some idiot's idea of a joke. Rest of the year, you can just be lazy and take most web-site stories and Usenet postings at face value.
Speaking of, here's a handy tip for anyone posting April Fool's News Stories; The story should be straight enough to be believable, but silly enough to make any potential victim feel like a moron for believing it afterwards. For instance, a news story claiming that Congress has passed a Required Public Nudity Law is pushing it just a tad.
And we're still laughing over the fact that a lot of folks still believe that "Internet is shut down for an hour every year about this time for Cleaning and Maintenance" bit. Yeah, put your mouse in a paper bag, stand out on your lawn, swing it over your head, and scream like a chicken...
The thing we like best about Local Elections is reading all the campaign literature telling us how we, and everyone we love, will die horrible, terrible deaths if we don't vote the Correct Way.
Note to the makers of Joe Dirt; The routine where you act like you're proud that you weren't nominated for any Awards? It's been done. It's been done to Death. It's been done to Death, then raised from the dead with ancient Satanic Rites and then done to Death again. Do you get our point, or are we being too subtle?
Nothing has given us faith in our Government like the "Spy Plane Crash In China" Press Conference called by the State Department for the sole purpose of telling us that they really couldn't tell us anything.
2 Church Ladies in Washington, Indiana spent 3000 bucks they raised for the church on almost 300 porn videos, which they then destroyed as a protest against Naughty Movies. You think maybe it's time we explained to people that most companies really don't care what you do with their products once you pay for them, as long as they get your money? Destroyed or not, that 3000 bucks still went into the "Sales" column, girls.
Barbra Streisand is working together with VH-1 to produce a weekly dramatic series about the "cut-throat world of the recording industry". Babs will be the Executive Producer, which of course begs the question of whether or not anyone has ever figured out what the hell an Executive Producer does besides collect a check for putting their name above the title of a series, and maybe sneak some family and friends on the set for jobs. But, it gives us a chance to make more nasties at Babs, and we don't own any stock in VH-1 or any of it's partners, so what the hell...
And could whoever keeps looking in the mirror and repeating "Barbra Streisand" cut it out so she'll stop popping up everywhere?
Here's a quick little computing tip; Is your system working just fine? Can you play all the latest games? Does it rarely crash? Do all the goodies you have hooked up to your computer work the way they should? Then leave well enough alone, and don't attempt System Suicide by downloading the "Latest and Greatest" drivers off the Net. Especially avoid "leaked" or "beta" drivers and programs, and especially avoid any driver that "advises" you to do any sort of editing to your Registry to get it to work "right".
"Now seen at it's new Day and Time!!" :translation: "The show isn't getting the ratings we think it should, so we're gonna toss it around the schedule a bit to see if that helps, even though it never has in the history of television.".
Balthayzr wants to make sure you buy his new book, Marital Aids For Dummies, available at fine Adult Book Stores everywhere.