|March 26th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Random Oscar comments, more Dead People, some more Oscar comments, and MIR fell in the wrong damn place, meaning no one is gettin' any free tacos. Oh, and some stuff about Soaps and Wrestling, which should come as a surprise to absolutely No One.
Blah blah blah Gladiator blah blah Julia Roberts blah blah Traffic blah Russell Crowe. Look, if you haven't seen the Oscar results by now, maybe you should have other Bookmarks besides us and all those pages full of nekkid people.
You know, before those damn 1-800-COLLECT commercials, we never had these nightmares about Mr. T showing up at our door and moving in with us...
Somehow, we get the feeling that Museums of the future ain't gonna be bidding millions on any "artifacts" from the era we live in now.
While we're all in favor of Oscar telecasts that are shorter than your average Ice Age, we do kinda miss the days when Stars would make an Acceptance Speech that was peppered with half-assed "facts" about whatever Cause the star in question had taken up that week. What kind of bitchy conversations can you have the next day about the Speeches nowadays? "I can't believe she thanked her Aunt, but *not* her Great-Aunt!".
We think we can safely assume that no professional builders use those gimmicky "Not Sold In Stores" tools you see on TV. In fact, we're pretty sure 99% of them haven't seen the world outside their toolboxes since the gift-giving occasion they were purchased for. Which is probably a good thing, seeing as how they seem to be constructed from the same Quality materials as your finer Carnival Prizes...
And why do we care who wears what at the Oscars, or who's Hosting/Presenting, or who's escorting who? Does it have any effect on who wins? Have they started giving out awards for Most Mismatched Couple, or Outfit That Reveals The Most Without Really Revealing Anything, or Flattest Response To A Host's/Presenter's Joke?
Someone wanna ask all these "experts" why is it that Dodgeball is a *lot* less violent than Football, yet there's no studies connecting Football to all these school shootings? Would it be cynical to suggest that those studies probably won't happen, because no one's gonna pay the school good money to see the Homecoming Dodgeball Game?
Oh, and by doing all these "studies", Thanks for giving any lawyers of any future knuckle-head who shoots up a school a ready-made defense.
We're sure the naming of the "Blue Ox" Energy drink we saw at the store was in no way influenced by "Red Bull". It was named for Paul Bunyan's friend, Babe.
Reports are being "leaked" that, in the upcoming live-action Simpsons movie, Bart loses his virginity. And may we just point out that this just proves our Rule about reading and believing any news story you read in the last couple weeks of March.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: By 2060, cars will have sophisticated navigation and control apparatus that will operate by you punching in your destination, and the vehicle then driving you safely to your objective on it's own. Unfortunately, the one bad side effect of this invention will be the unemployment of 90% of the world's Stand-Up comics, their "Old people drive slow/turn your damn turn signal off" bits having been rendered obsolete.
We see now why Jerry O'Connell fought so hard to keep Sliders on the air. It was either do a series where you're the star and a relative directs, or you "star" in a cheesy movie like Tomcats that we're sure will end up shrink-wrapped with Dude, Where's My Car in finer Bargain Bins everywhere.
Speaking of wonderful choices in Acting career, David Spade sure is making a lot of them, movie-wise, isn't he? It *almost* makes you thankful that Farley passed on before that Tommy Boy sequel got made, huh?
A Moment Of Silence for William Hanna, of the famous Hanna Barbera cartoon team. In lieu of flowers, mourners are asked to stick a cat's tail in a light socket.
And another Moment Of Silence for Norma MacMillan, voice of Sweet Polly Purebread and Casper The Ghost, who became a ghost herself last week. And is finally finding out where her Underdog has Gone.
The WWF is expected to finalize the purchase of WCW this week, thus finally absorbing the last of it's main rivals. And we were gonna make some catty remark about how a lack of competition would result, sooner or later, in a lowering of standards and a return to the days of goofy-assed gimmicks. Then we saw the line-up for WrestleMania, which contains a Gimmick Battle Royal between such luminaries as Doink The Clown, Kamala the Ugandan Giant, and The Gobbeldy Gooker, and kinda decided the hell with it...
We feel just a bit ripped off. MIR, the Russian space station, came crashing down in a ball of metallic fire, and not a single network did a fictional "mini-series" about space junk falling on a Major City?
Hell, we don't even remember seeing any "experts" on any news programs showing any computer simulations of what would happen if MIR landed on, say, New York City. Someone's been laying down on the job here. Ratings, people, ratings!
Here's a Helpful Hint to help you stretch that Vacation Dollar; No, and we repeat, no Roadside Attraction is worth the tire and brake wear it would take to stop. No 2-headed animals, no petting zoos, no "Mystery Houses", nothing.
You really got to hand it to the soap opera Passions. It knows Soap Operas are ridiculous and way outside any realm of possibility, and it takes that ball and it runs with it.
Hell, any show that went ahead and revived the character of Dr. Bombay from Bewitched gets a free Brownie Point in our book. Well, except if it was one of those "Strip Contest" shows on the Playboy Channel...
Wonder how long it took the Henson people to build that Dino De Laurentiis Muppet for the Oscars. Not one of their better pieces of work, was it?
NBC has finally threatened to pull the plug on the XFL if it doesn't start showing some ratings. Which is, of course, the Warning Flag for the day when McMahon somehow manages to blame NBC and all the other media outlets for not covering the XFL enough. Or maybe the audience for not "Getting It".
Debbie "Call me Deborah" Gibson (The Britney Spears of the 80's. If you don't remember her, consider yourself very, very lucky) is actually releasing a new album. Meaning that the other 3 Horseman should be coming along any day now...
And in case you're interested, the name of her new album is M.Y.O.B, for Mind Your Own Business. So named because Deborah believes it sounds "sassy" and "youthful". Yes, we read the interview. If you see our souls flapping around anywhere, could you drop 'em in a mailbox? Thanks.
Opec has agreed amongst itself to cut oil production 4%, in order to insure gas and oil prices don't get too low and screw up the Economy. Sure is nice of them to do less work for more money just for us, isn't it?
Nothing screams "kewl" like being the first person in your Newsgroup or Chat Channel to reveal/discuss the current Razzie Winners.
Speaking of, here's a thought; what does it mean if you get Nominated for a Razzie, and don't win? That your movie was such a load of crap that it wasn't good enough to be the Best of the Worst?
The Saudi Arabia Higher Committee for Scientific Research and Islamic Law has banned all Pokemon toys and games and such, claiming anything that distracts or interferes with Prayer is unholy. Which means you could have a lot of fun over there suggesting that; a)It's disrespectful to pray in the bathroom, b) If you can't pray there, it's a distraction and thus Unholy, thus they should stop going potty. Remember, nothing says Fun like making fun of other culture's deeply held Religious Beliefs.
Two quick movie-related questions, here; 1) At what point will we finally see an end of filmmakers using that goddam Matrix effect? When Matrix 2 comes out and gives us a new "effect" to be tortured with? And 2) Would it be too much to ask to stop with the word-play based on the film title Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon? It was clever for about 5 minutes. Thank you.
Balthayzr wonders which of the 25 guys who played Doink The Clown is actually getting payed to get himself humiliated again.