|April 16th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Late-Breaking Porn News that we always seem to get for some reason, another guy who has fun with Broomsticks, and the so-called Inventor of the Smiley-Face gets his Just Desser...uh, goes on to his Great Reward.
Exactly when did the term "Dysfunctional Family" become another way to say "Comedy"?
The Good News; Disney is about out of "Classic Animated Movies" to do quickie-sequels to. The Bad News; Aladdin has already set the precedent for people accepting "Part III" movies.
Well, guess it's either that, or they start making Herbie, The Love Bug pictures again. Oh, wait, they are...
And with Paul Hogan returning to the Silver Screen with his Crocodile Dundee character, can a Yahoo Serious comeback be far behind?
Wanna take bets right now that Jesse Jackson and his bunch will find someway to take at least partial credit for the China Hosta....uh, Detainees being released?
Wanna also take bets that the lovable Black Helicopter crowd believes this whole "Spy Plane" bit was just a clever way to deliver more U.S. Technology to China without arousing too much suspicion?
You do realize that people doing Stock Watches and giving stock tips are using the same techniques as weathermen; They look for supposed "patterns" in what is more-or-less Chaos, and make recommendations based on these "patterns".
Yahoo!, who along with other dot.com companies is swirling along the edge of the Bankruptcy Bowl, has decided to start carrying Pornographic Materials you can purchase over the web. Thus, one more group has discovered the Sacred Truth of the Internet; It's not about sharing information, or finding new friends, or discovering new pastimes. It's about getting as much porn as you can without ever leaving the comfort of your computer chair.
And yes, we've heard all the jokes about how, with a name like Yahoo!, what else should they be selling. Thank you very much.
Interesting how we, as a civilization, decide our actions not on who it will hurt or help, but on how much it will cost us, and how much trouble will it make for us...
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: By 2100, there will only be 3 types of Cable Channels remaining; "News" Channels like CNN and Fox News (because it's cheap and easy to find semi-informed, opinionated nut-cases who want to come on TV and flap their gums); Discovery Channel-like channels (because it's cheap and easy to find and film animals killing each other, and find footage some Mental Giant shot of a tornado or lavaflow closing in on him);, and Do-It-Yourself channels like Food Network and Home And Garden TV (because it's cheap and easy to find "professionals" willing to show off and give their businesses free plugs on their own TV Show).
Note to the makers of the Josie and the Pussycats movie; Yes, we understand that the movie is supposed to be a satire on the over-commercialization of music, and that's why you've got all these product placements in your movie. However, for future reference, you might wanna learn the difference between satirizing something, and just taking something to a ridiculous, unfunny extreme.
Also, as a Wise Man once said; Satire is what closes on Saturday Night. Or, to put it in a modern perspective; Satire is what rots in the 99 cent Rental Bin on Saturday Night.
And one final bit of advice, at least for now; When you make a movie based on an old TV series or cartoon, hoping to attract lots and lots of people with a sense of nostalgia, maybe you shouldn't change the original material so much that it has nothing in common with the original besides the character names. Might explain why your little picture probably won't make enough back to cover the cost of the "Star's" Hair Dye.
Scariest thing we saw this week: The Grand Opening of a store that only sells that "As Seen On TV" Crapola. In other words, a store that sells stuff Not Sold In Stores...
The Odyssey Channel will be renamed The Hallmark Channel sometime over the next month or so. Meaning we can look forward to such wonderful Holiday Fare as a selfish boss who is visited by 3 Spirits and discovers the True Meaning of Secretaries' Day.
If you want us to sit and listen to your lectures on recycling or the ozone layer or what have you, here's a little free advice; Stop calling the place "Mother Earth" or "Spaceship Earth". It's just a big, round, dirt-covered rock with a Liquid Center. Kinda like what you'd get if you dropped a Gusher on the side-walk.
This Nation will never know true Peace until we decide whether we're gonna call the damned thing the Easter Bunny or the Easter Rabbit. We've got a bad enough time explaining to our nieces and nephews why Santa's got a dozen different names.
Note to TechTV's The Screen Savers; What the hell do segments on kids building Soda-Can Satellites and using mathematics to calculate a new type of Styrofoam have to do with teaching people about their personal computers? Is this another one of those misleading things where people strongly imply that kids who have home computers are guaranteed to grow up with 4 digit IQs and 7 digit salaries, and look what *just* happens to be advertised on our next commercial?
Speaking of Easter, wonder why the Politically Correct Crowd hasn't jumped on Easter the way they jump on Christmas, and demand we wish people a "Happy Spring" or "Joyous Equinox" so as not to force unwelcome Religious Views upon them?
Puffy "P. Squiddly Diddly" Combs was busted this week for operating his scooter with a suspended license and failing to signal for a turn. Ah, for the Lawless, Thrills-At-Any-Cost life of a Gangsta Rapper, huh kids?
A Moment Of Silence for Joey Ramone, of the Ramones, who passed away Sunday. Remember to work this into conversations, so people will look upon you with Awe for being "kewl" enough to know who The Ramones are.
It's been announced that the first Harry Potter video game will be a Broomstick Racing Game (read: Mario Kart). Suppose it could be worse. Suppose it could be some goofy-assed Fighting game like Shaq-Fu, or the one that the Wu-Tang Clan starred in, which was so good that we can't even remember the name of it...
Matt Groening has hinted that a spin-off of The Simpsons is in the works. Because, of course, the show has remained so fresh and original all these years that they surely have enough "Dumb Homer" bits left over for another program. Take note, all you aspiring TV producers and such; When your "cutting edge" show turns into the type of crapola it used to satirize, *just* might be time to let it go.
When slapping those Band Logo Emblems on one's car, is there any sort of Etiquette to follow? It it considered Gauche to put The Grateful Dead Rainbow Teddy Bears on the same window as the Phish Psuedo-Jesus Fish? We tried writing Miss Manners, but lately all our letters get returned unopened for some odd reason.
Note to all you UFO buffs: You know why there's nothing at Area 51 and Roswell? Because even if there was, you think they'd leave it there after all these years of everyone "knowing" just where they are? That maybe, just maybe, they'd move them so that they could, if so ordered, throw the doors open and say "See? Nothing's here, you ninnies!" If everyone in the world found out where you hide your spare house key, would you keep hiding it there?
Why the hell is the "Clippy and the other Office Assistants are Out-Of Work thanks to Office XP!" bit considered such a big news story by all these would-be tech-heads? You know, if they're *that* annoying, you can just punch a button on a menu and turn the damned things off. Or better yet, just not install them in the first place.
Another Moment Of Silence for Harvey Ball, the guy who claimed to have invented that God-saken, Brain-Dead...THING known as the Smiley Face, who passed on last week. What more can you say about a guy who not only seems to have taken this whole Smiley thing just a *little* too seriously for a guy who's not posting recipes for Hashish Brownies everywhere, but whose last name makes the whole thing sound like some sort of gag that nobody's quite getting?
Ever meet one of those people who, the more sleep-deprived they are, the funnier and/or more creative they get? And then there's folks like us who, 2 hours past our bed-time, will actually be confused over which is the proper end of the bottle-opener to use...
Incoming Clue Alert: "YIELD AHEAD" does *not* mean "Drive like hell before someone else gets that space in traffic that was promised to you by the voices in your head.".
Balthayzr would like to point out that he is not a Complete Load. So you only need to use a half-cup of laundry soap.