Schizotrichia by Balthayzr

April 2nd, 2001
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December 25th, 2000
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December 27th, 1999
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A Random Xmas

April 9th, 2001

Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: Lots of Clue Alerts (having run into a *lot* of people this week who we feel could use clues, preferably by the bushel-load), some oh-so-timely comments on the Care and Feeding of your Ebay, and the various TV stations showing "Dr. Laura" do the right thing.

Note to the various News Agencies: "Goofy Stuff We Found Being Auctioned On Ebay" really isn't News anymore.

And, on the flip side of that coin; Posting something Goofy on Ebay has gotten older even quicker than the reports on the items.

Incoming Clue Alert; Let us save you the trouble of sorting through those damned Chain Letters; There are no "Email Stamps", there is no "Modem Tax", Bill Gates is *not* going to buy you a new computer just for forwarding a Chain Letter as part of an "Email Test"...

Why, when the Post Office first made the announcement that they were thinking of stopping Saturday mail delivery because the Post Office was losing too many customers (read: Money) to Email, did we get the feeling the solution was going to involve Rate Hikes?

The Oblongs premiere episode was shown about 22 times on the WB Network. Doesn't smack of desperation AT ALL, does it?

Or is this one of those Ratings Tricks where you add up everyone who watched all the showings, lump them together, and show advertisers the "results"?

Okay, Surf Guru's not really gone. Haha, he's coming back if he ain't already. Right? RIGHT?

Incoming Clue Alert; Surfing the Web, playing Unreal Tournament or Everquest, and/or fooling with AIM or MSN Messenger Service does *not* mean you can list "Computer Skills" on your Resumé.

One of the best ways to piss people off is to tell them to learn the difference between having an Opinion and having an Informed Opinion. It's worth it just to watch the looks on their faces as they try to comprehend there *being* a difference.

Martha Stewart Merchandise, according to several reports, is the only thing keeping the K-Mart Corporation alive. Why do we have this Mental Picture of a contract for souls signed in Blood?

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Interest in E! and other such TV fare will result in the Creation of a 24 Hour Celebrity News Channel, where hidden cameras document the every move of Celebs. The channel will quickly fail when it's discovered that Celebs really don't do anything different from regular folks. They just do it in Nicer Places, with Better Looking People, and with More Expensive Toys.

Incoming Clue Alert, Special for the moron who attacked the Liberty Bell; See, bells are constructed to make very loud noises when struck. That is the purpose of a Large Bell such as, say, the Liberty Bell. Also, Historical Artifacts such as, say, the Liberty Bell, are usually surrounded 24/7 by many guards. Now, with that in mind, what the hell did you think was going to happen when you started pounding on the Liberty Bell with a Hammer?

And why do we get the distinct feeling that, if you got him to actually tell the truth, this had nothing to do with any protest, but most probably was going to end with this Mental Giant selling the chipped Liberty Bell pieces on Ebay? And being completely shocked when the Janet Reno Memorial Door-Bustin' Squad showed up at his door a day later?

Special Note to Tour Guides; What say we discourage future morons of this type, and not make a big issue of pointing out spots on Artifacts where vandals got at them?

Billions and Billions of dollars spent designing and building this thing that fell down in China, and everyone calls it a "Spy Plane"? Sounds like something Jethro from the Beverly Hillbillies was using when he was playing James Bond with that goofy metal-lined derby, or the FREE Prize you get with a Dairy Queen Kids Meal.

So, you're worried about your Boss reading your Private, Personal Email? There's a simple solution; Wait until you get home to mail all those blonde jokes out to your friends.

Incoming Clue Alert; Guess what? They really don't stock pen refills for cheap Bics and such anymore. And besides, they cost about as much as just buying a new ballpoint. The pens dry out, toss the damn things, take a buck down to Wal-Mart, and buy some new ones.

Note to the various News Agencies; We don't give a rat's ass about Timothy McVeigh anymore. Not his excuses, not his book, not his whining about Bush, nothing. Giving these idiots publicity just plants ideas in the minds of other weak people who didn't get that pony they wanted for their 6th birthday and think people should pay for that.

Edward Winter, who played Col. Flagg on M*A*S*H, passed away on March 8 of complications from Parkinson's disease. And the interesting part is, more than one News Agency has "just" found this out and posted the news to their Sites and reported it on TV and Newspapers and Magazines. And you know, we think Col. Flagg would've wanted it that way...

The Dr. Laura TV show has finally gone bye-bye. Thus freeing up valuable Late-Night/Early Afternoon Infomercial Time. We suppose the failure might have something to do with the fact that the TV version *made* us look at Dr. Laura and her "guests", which is a less-than-pleasant experience...

From our What Took You So Long file; A Nebraska graphic arts firm has come up with what actually might be a half-way decent Advertising idea; Making Temporary Tattoos out of ads and putting them on the bare midriffs of Cheerleaders, since "people are always looking there, anyways". That opens up the door for a lot of lines about other handy places to put these tattoos, but 99% of them would probably get us slapped, so we're just gonna refrain for right now...

Samba De Amigo sequel. Parrapa The Rapper sequel rumored to be in the works. Oh, our cup runneth over...

Incoming Clue Alert: If you have to point out to people that you're "funny", you're not.

Some "funny" Red Flags to watch for; Things described as "Wacky" "Zany" "Side-Splitting" or "Hysterical". Note we here at SCHIZOTRICHIA have never used any of these words to describe ourselves. And for several hundred Damn Good reasons, most due to Truth In Advertising Laws.

Would it be too much trouble to paint those "Stop Here At Stop Sign" white lines close enough to the cross-street so we can look around and check for traffic coming? Or does that violate some Union Law?

AOL/Time Warner has announced they'll be creating their own Music Channel to compete with MTV. Let the "Maybe they'll actually play Music Videos" jokes

"Time for me to move on" :translation: "I'm leaving, and I don't give enough of a damn to even come up with a decent excuse or explanation.".

And what else is no longer amusing; That idiotic little javascript that makes an endless series of Dialogue Boxes pop up on your screen when you access some moron's website, forcing you to click "OK" for about 3 hours before finally discovering that you can't even Control-Alt-Delete out of it, and you have to hit the Reset Button.

On a similar note, it was *never* amusing to find a web page with this annoyance on it, or some horrifically disgusting picture, and point innocent parties toward it without telling them what they'll find. Because we never, ever did that to anyone. Ever.

Always remember; No matter what you do, or say, or believe in, you're gonna end up pissing someone off. Best you can hope for is that this person doesn't have a good lawyer.

Balthayzr would like to point out that "Kevin" is, indeed, free. Some of you HacKerZ might want to update your web pages.

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