Schizotrichia by Balthayzr

June 4th, 2001
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A Random Xmas

June 11th, 2001

Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: We were looking over the logs and such the other day, and discovered that the 100th Edition of SCHIZOTRICHIA is quickly approaching. Holy Crap Spread Nicely Over Lightly-Toasted Whole Wheat Bread, With A Pickle Spear And Your Choice Of Chips. So, to celebrate, we're doing Absolutely Nothing Special, except maybe harp on about it excessively. And speaking of Nothing Special; This Week, it's more Sean Combs crapola, Entertainment News Randomly "Borrowed" From Different Gossip Sites, and more Bitchiness disguised as Pithy Social Commentary.

Doctor Dolittle II or Carrey Wouldn't Do "Ace Ventura 3", So We Got Eddie To Do It..

Is it a Law that, if you're a reviewer for Car And Driver or Consumer Reports or the like, that you have to mention in almost every column how lucky you are to have a job where you get to play with wonderful new toys everyday that the rest of us can't have yet? Because it's not annoying AT ALL.

Ah, Scientific American. The magazine that about 3 people in the country read, the rest of it's "readership" being people who "accidentally" leave a half-dozen issues sitting out in the living room when company comes over so that people will hopefully be impressed.

Fox's Million Dollar Mysteries. Or, Welcome To SNIPE HUNT 2001!.

A group of lovelies called the Earth Liberation Front has been traveling around the country, torching SUV Dealerships and Logging Camps and the like, in order to "Save Mother Earth". Because, of course, everyone knows Smoke and Fire created by Good Intentions doesn't cause any sort of damage or injuries at all.

Hormel has finally made it Official. They Accept And Embrace SPAM's alternate meaning, as a slang expression for unwanted advertisements in newsgroups and email. We're also guessing they came to the conclusion that suing the 80 million people that use this expression every day just *might* put a cramp on Sales.

Huh. NetZero has a "Platinum" service, where you pay a Monthly Fee to not have to click on ads to stay connected, or get gouged for Tech Support. Yep, NetZero, the FREE ISP.

You think this Imaginative Business Model (read: Borderline fraud) is why NetZero and their Evil Twin Juno have reportedly joined forces in an attempt to stave off bankruptcy, forming a new company with the dynamic, damn-the-torpedoes name of United Online?

And we're just guessing here, but we're thinking that name may change once the new company feeds that name into Google like we did, and discovers that it's the name of about 9 million British Football (Soccer) Web-Sites. Because nothing says Successful Internet Company like being mentally connected with Soccer Hooligans...

Fun is watching a Business go belly-up faster than it took to construct the building and stock the place.

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: By 2056, in order to avoid potentially Embarrassing (and thus Emotionally Damaging) episodes, every child, upon birth, will have permanent Deodorant and Breath Freshener Implants installed. This will lead to a series of riots led by people who believe it's their God-given Right to burn out people's nasal cavities with their personal reek.

The New Candid Camera, or My Daddy, Alan Funt, Has Been Dead *Just* Long Enough For Folks To Stop Looking Around For Hidden Cameras When Weird-Ass Stuff Happens To Them.

Does your brain do this to you; you're sitting around, minding your own business, and it decides to dig up and repeatedly replay Embarrassing/Extremely Sad Things that happened to you Long Ago?

Anyone who is still Organizing Reunions for their High School Class past the 10-year Mark needs to go seek the type of Mental Health Professional who isn't stingy with the Medication Prescriptions.

Anyone who parts with large sums of money to attend their High School Class Reunions past the 10-year mark needs to make sure they get in the Prescription Line at least twice.

So, what comes first; You're such a geek that, having no friends or social life, you turn to Computers; Or, you start fiddling with Computers and end up playing with them so much that you end up with no friends or social life?

Microsoft's attempt to merge/buy/invest/whatever in AT&T Cable has seemingly gone belly-up. Which we guess is kind of a Good Thing, because we were really getting tired of getting 6 thousand emails every day with "How To Reboot Your TV After It Crashes" gag instructions in them.

Seems about 60% of the Ally McBeal cast is either quitting, getting fired, or having their parts cut way back. And if TV Sitcom history is any indication, this means Ally is about 3 months away from moving to a New City and becoming a Wacky Meter Maid.

Jennifer Lopez is rumored to be preggers. So, is Sean "Insert Today's Name Here" Combs the Shooter, or was one of his Posse holding His Gun for him again?

Here's a fun little project for that next Rainy Day; Type "MP3" into your Favorite Search Engine. Now, see how many of the resulting sites are 1) Text Files listing songs some idiot has in his collection, 2) MP3 "Search Engines", most of whom simply list other "MP3 Search Engines", and 3) Sites that are full of "Links" to the songs you're looking for. However, the "Links" take you to sites that sell CDs.

There are 2 types of Crying Children in this world; Those so pitiful that you'd do anything for them so they'll stop, and those so annoying that you'd do anything *to* them so they'll stop.

Netscape is *supposedly* ducking out of the browser business, to concentrate on being a News Portal. At least, that's what's being reported. If you look over Netscape's Official Press Release on the Matter, it's so full of Weasel Words and Buzzwords that they could be threatening England's Prime Minister with an H-bomb for all we know...

And expect various discussions where Microsoft's Monopoly Powers get blamed for this decision. Not that Netscape had actually done the Impossible and released a browser that was more Crashable and less Compatible with certain HTML Tags that anything that ever came outta Microsoft R&D, and that even Netscape's "Partner" AOL is reportedly using Internet Explorer as it's Official Browser.

"The Miss America Pageant is being Reworked" :Translation: "Cripes, it's pretty girls in bathing suits doing Cute Tricks! And you're *still* not watching! What the hell do you people WANT?".

From our It's Not April First, So Be Very, Very Disturbed file; A new release for the Gameboy called WWF Betrayal, where you "Control one of 4 WWF Superstars on a Mission to recover the kidnapped Stephanie McMahon from the clutches of an evil villain! Kick and punch your way through Multiple Levels and Multiple Environments!" Quick, hurry and place your Pre-order NOW!

From our It's Not April First, So Be Very, Very Disturbed file, Part II; Scent Of A Burnt Rose, a CD collection of songs designed to help you cope with that annoying Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, or Arthritis, or AIDS. Makes a Great Gift.

Note to our Younger Readers: When a relative that owns his own business says "When you grow up, come see me for a job.", he doesn't mean it. Adults just don't know what to say to strange children they're related to, so they utter random crap like this and "How do you like school? Learning anything?".

And if by some chance they *do* mean it, you can bet you're gonna be scrubbing toilets in the Employee Lounge, and not sitting in a VP Office folding paper airplanes.

There's something missing from Cartoon Network's new series Time Squad. Like maybe a Talking Dog and his pet boy. And we bet we're the first ones to point that out, too.

Speaking of Cartoon Network, seems they might actually cut back on the number of daily showings of Dragonball Z in order to show New episodes of Space Ghost Coast To Coast! And a new Brak series! And, along the same vein, a new Birdman series! Almost makes you wanna forgive them for digging Home Movies out of UPN's dumpster. Because if UPN cancels it, believe us, you *don't* want to get any of it on you.

Balthayzr would like to point out that if you're putting Emoticons on your web page, you'll be first up against the wall when the Revolution comes. Just saying.

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