|May 21st, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We speak about the XFL one last time (yeah, right), offer some Health Advice that might actually be considered useful, and revisit the REGIS Bandwagon because the poor guy needs the publicity.
Someday, we wanna go to Australia, and go to Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin's zoo. Just so we can walk up to him and say "Steve, we respect your work and what you're trying to make people aware of. But we gotta tell you; You're a Fucking Lunatic.".
Someone needs to walk up to Vince McMahon and explain to him, when it comes to the demises of WCW and ECW, that there's a difference between Defeating Your Opposition and Surviving Long Enough For Them To Pull A Series Of Boneheaded Maneuvers And Die All By Themselves.
Speaking of things that Died From Boneheaded Maneuvers, we notice we're not seeing a lot of XFL signs and clothing on Monday Night Wrestling. A more suspicious mind would take that as proof that these were handed out by WWF folks in a series of cheap publicity ploys, but we see it more as a Mourning Period.
Maybe what they needed to do was hand out XFL Ice Cream Bars...
And just as newsgroups and the Web shouldn't substitute for a Real Life, nor should they substitute for Professional Medical Help. If you feel poorly, don't post about it on your favorite discussion board, or feed "Numbness On Right Side Of Body" into Google. Go to a damn Doctor. Remember how many biographies we've read where the last chapter started with "He felt bad, but ignored the symptoms and went ahead with the day's plans...".
At least the number of women referring to themselves as "Grrrl" on the Net have cut down on the number that call themselves "Goddess"...
Here's a nice little feature we'd like to see in the next version of anyone's software; Arrange it so that we don't have to re-enter 12 pages worth of Registration Information every time we have to re-install your software.
Another Version of the Unsolicited Commercial Email Act is dying in Congress. Which we guess is kind of good, because we would miss hearing from all those "Hot And Wet" ladies, and people who all seem to be concerned about our current level of Debt.
And trouble is, try to define "Unsolicited" when you seem to have to agree to sign up for an email list every time you avail yourself of something free on the net, be it a Software Demo or a Page Hit Counter or what have you.
Best Testimonial We've Ever Heard; The woman on the TechTV Infomercial "Digital Avenue", who claims "I love technology. I use it every day!" Yes, as opposed to sitting naked in a cave waiting for lightning to strike a tree so you can have fire...
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2065, the entire new British "TV Season" will consist of British Adaptations of American TV Shows, thus beginning the reversal of the long trend of American Shows adapted from the Britains. The BBC closes down after becoming completely Bankrupt in 2067.
Reports indicate that P. Diddy now wishes to be knows as Sean Combs. Where the hell does he keep digging up these weird-ass names?
And, if these reports prove to be true, shouldn't this qualify him for the Prince Formerly Known As... Award for Shortest Time Spent With A New Moniker?
Ah, the Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Couples Edition. Thus proving 2 people can be stupider than one...
And could we institute a new rule next time they have one of these Couple Theme Weeks? That the couple in question automatically lose if one member looks over at the other and says "You pick, honey" or "No, you go first, dear".
Nice to see, from various newspaper and magazine stories about the new Beatles Anthology Album, that not only are the Beatles still fighting among themselves, but good old Yoko still insists on tossing a monkey wrench into the works while she whores her husband's memory by making a fuss over who gets billing for what songs on the album.
Can we just say at this point that we'll buy the "Pink Thing" a damn cell phone if it means we don't have to see him anymore?
"Contains Bonus Footage!" :translation: "You know all those scenes we cut out of the movie because they were crap? We just put them back in so you'll cough up a couple extra bucks for the DVD.".
Note to Would-Be Comics: See, if your hands fell off, you'd be too busy screaming in pain and bleeding to death to really worry about picking said hands up...
We personally like the idea of the Millionaire Losers Edition, so we can enjoy the spectacle of morons going down in flames during the early easy questions for the *second* time in their lives. That's gotta be good for a Starring Role in at least one 10-10-321 commercial, huh?
The Lone Gunmen has been canned. Thus once again proving that what's interesting and funny for 5 minutes every couple of weeks isn't really enough to support a weekly show. Isn't that right, Michael "Kramer" Richards?
The new Star Trek Series, Enterprise, takes place 100 years before the original series. Which means they can chalk up all the continuity errors and events that ignore the "history" of the Federation to "Well, (insert Trek Nerd argument here) hasn't happened yet".
And yes, we know Scott Bakula plays the new Captain. And yes, we have heard all the "You've leapt into the body of a Star Ship Commander, Sam" bits. You'll let us know when you stumble across a funny one, right?
McDonald's, in an attempt to recapture the Fast Food Crown, is expanding into "other" restaurants, like McCafe, McSnack (which serves just ice cream and cookies and the like) and McDonalds With The Diner Inside. Meaning they think that the problem isn't that their food is crap, it's just that people don't have enough opportunities to purchase some of it. Because we all know how hard it is to find a McDonald's.
Oh, the Princess's Big Secret In Shrek? She's a Ghost.
Wait, no, wrong index card. It's actually that she's a female ogre (Ogress? Ogrette? EverQuest people, help us out here). Which we guess is better than the Crying Game bit we came up with...
Nothing like a week-end cook-out with the In-Laws to really make you appreciate all those Gun Control Laws...
You just *might* be taking the whole "I'm a GRAMMA" bit a little too seriously if you're standing in the mall waving a series of Sonograms to all your Mall Walking friends.
So, how long do you think it'll be before we see Robert Blake fleeing the police in a White Bronco?
Incoming Clue Alert: The correct pronunciation of "Gyro" is *not* an endless source of comedy routines or comic strip punch-lines.
Balthayzr reads *way* too many Entertainment Industry Magazines and Web Sites. Does it show?