Schizotrichia by Balthayzr

May 7th, 2001
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December 25th, 2000
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January 10th, 2000
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December 27th, 1999
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A Random Xmas

May 14th, 2001

Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: We find out Douglas Adams' Towel Too Short To Horseplay With God, beat the XFL horse yet again, and share some gossip we spotted on the cover of Tiger Beat magazine while waiting for the damn check-out girl to figure out how to ring up the per-pound price on a single apple. And clean yourself up when you're done, please.

Schizotrichia Fun Fact; The darker your urine, the more dehydrated you are. Or you've eaten something that's dehydrated you, like lots of salty pretzels.

And a Moment Of Silence for Douglas Adams, he of Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy fame, who passed on last week. And we will admit our first reaction was a completely unnecessary "Oh, great. There goes the Hitchhiker Movie.".

Of course, the good thing about people so relatively young dropping dead of heart attacks is that millions of folks decide to get up of the couch, and chuck the Twinkies and Camels. So, maybe a little bit of a positive thing can come out of this...

Are we the only people in America to have never sat through an entire episode of Miami Vice?

The real reason most people have so many knick-knacks like wall clocks and little collectable figures is goofy friends/relatives, being too mentally lazy to go out and find useful gifts, start buying them these little dust-catchers. Other folks, equally mentally lax, see these and jump on the bandwagon. Thus, people with little interest in ceramic Teddy Bears end up with bookshelves loaded with them.

CBS is doing some "Behind The Scenes"-type of show about Gilligan's Island (although rumors abound that it might also be some type of Survivor show. You really don't care, do you? Didn't think so.), called Surviving On Gilligan's Island. Feel free to flood your favorite newsgroup with discussions on why they brought so much crap for a 3-hour tour, because people *never* tire of discussing that.

And for someone who wants nothing whatsoever to do with Gilligan's Island, Tina "Ginger" Louise sure pops out of the woodwork for interviews whenever some type of Gilligan-related project gets bandied about, doesn't she?

The best restaurants are, of course, the ones that are nice enough to post their complete menus by the door. That way, not only can you scan it and make sure you're not going to be served some Abomination Unto God like Rocky Mountain Oysters, but that you're not gonna get charged 50 bucks a plate for the privilege.

Maybe you *shouldn't* be investing your "kid's future" in Life Insurance you saw being hawked at 4:30 AM by some 70's sit-com actor.

One reason might be that you're taking financial advice from someone who couldn't manage his money well enough to avoid having to do Idiotic Infomercials for booze and cat-food money. Just a thought.

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2015, The WWFE (Parent Company of the WWF) will file for Bankruptcy after Vince McMahon's aborted attempts to invest in, among other things, an Extreme Sumo League, an Extreme Lacrosse League, and a failed TV Pilot about a Millionaire that everyone constantly picks on because they don't share his Unique Vision.

Supposedly, you can enter a phone number on one of advertising websites for Spielberg's upcoming A.I. film, and you'll get a phone call from a robot promising that they'll "be watching you". This, of course, is just open to so much MEAN abuse that it took us 2 hours to stop doing that goofy mad-scientist cackle.

This also probably means that they've stopped doing it by now, because 1) Nothing Fun Ever Lasts, and 2) Idiot Amateurs probably flooded the thing with 50 numbers at a shot, thus alerting the Powers That Be. Learn Self Control, will ya?

Note to PAXTV: If shows like Diagnosis; Murder are so violent and Evil that you're resorted to slicing huge chunks out of episodes just to have it meet your standards, isn't it a bit hypocritical to show the things in the first place?

Apple's new firmware upgrade (kind of like flashing the BIOS on a PC) not only "de-activates" Non-Apple memory, it also causes, at last count, somewhere around 72 different problems. Apple Support claims one solution is to only use Apple Products on your Apple Computer. This has supposedly been going on since March, with little coverage in the regular press, and no "Fix It" patch forthcoming from Apple. Of course, if Microsoft did such a thing, we imagine it would be treated with the same patience and understanding, and wouldn't result in multiple class-action Lawsuits and HacKer Attacks.

Reportedly, people will be allowed to sell T-Shirts and Trinkets outside the prison during the McVeigh Execution Vigil, as long as they are "tasteful". Really, how lacking-in-taste could a souvenir from the execution of a guy who blew up innocent women and children be?

And, with the Execution now delayed, people now have more time to come up with respectful slogans. Might we suggest something a little different from the typical "Na Na Na Na. Na Na Na Na. Hey Hey, Goodbye" and "Burn In Hell"? People aren't gonna pay good money for a shirt they could have made at home.

Next time someone sings the wonders of Netzero, the FREE ISP, ask them why this FREE ISP charges almost 10 bucks per Tech Support Call. Feel free to point out that 2 such calls would cover the cost of a month's service from a Real ISP.

Is it so wrong that we want to see a lot more Cheerleaders in Arena Football? If for nothing else, just for the joy of watching them get plowed under every other play because the sidelines are about 6 inches wide?

Ya know, Gas Prices were just as high last year, and the various pundits were telling us that the President has little to do with the price of fuel...

The Cure isn't breaking up after all. They're just not doing a full touring schedule this summer like they'd planned. Just thought you needed to know that.

The Backstreet Boys *are* breaking up, however, just going to show that God does occasionally answer prayers if you remember to exclude the parts about asking for bloody, painful deaths.

And reports say that only 3 of them will pursue Solo Careers. Which we suppose beats the 5 resulting from the Spice Girls break-up. Hopefully, the next prefab bands to Bite The Wax Tadpole will continue this downward trend. Oh, and no Reunion Tours till you're old enough to be an even bigger Object Of Ridicule.

Our favorite types of people to hang out with are those that can turn any Minor Symptom into a story about Death's Grim Approach. "You know, my aunt had a rash just like that on her upper back. Turned out to be Spinal Cancer."

The greatest Path To Success is to take something successful, change it *just* enough to avoid lawsuits and jeers from the unwary, and plaster your own name on it. Remember to mention that you thought of the idea many years ago, but just never got around to doing anything with it till Just Now.

Amazing the number of people who still think the path to Fame And Fortune is to send goofy homemade comedy tapes to Dr. Demento. You do realize that he reportedly does the show out of his basement now, right?

And, as much as we enjoy his work, the world does *not* need another Weird Al.

Jamie Lee Curtis has signed on to do yet another Halloween movie. Commercials featuring her fixing cars in an ill-fitting party dress not paying that well, or has the bottom dropped out of the "Show Jamie Lee's Breasts" market?

And with reports of Weaver interested in doing another Alien, and Charlton Heston making a "cameo" in the new Planet Of The Apes, are we to assume that "No, I'm not doing that role any more" really means "Can you get back to me after my career stalls? Thanks."

Oh, by the by, it's Official. The Dead. And here's a toast to millionaires with *way* too much money, who provide a constant stream of Entertainment and Column Fodder by finding stupider and stupider ways to fritter it away.

Balthayzr wonders how long until someone "discovers" some unfinished Douglas Adams manuscripts and tortures us with about a dozen badly-written Hitchhiker's Guide sequels.

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