|April 23rd, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: The XFL. The Sublime Thoughts Of Chairman Babs. Mindfuckery cleverly disguised as a Game Show. And we even slip in a Marlon Brando "Fat" Joke. Because if it was "influenced" by someone's Internet .sig file, it must be SCHIZOTRICHIA.
After what was most probably a lot of finger-pointing and snickering, the publishers of the upcoming Harry Potter games clarified their earlier press releases, claiming that the Broomstick Racing would be a Stage of the upcoming games, and not a game unto itself. Not to sound paranoid or self-important or anything, but we're always amazed how these clarifications always seem to come to light after we here at SCHIZOTRICHIA hit the "Upload Files" button...
And speaking of Changes Brought About After We Publish, Thus Making Us Look Even More Like Morons; Yahoo! has changed their minds about carrying Porn after receiving a record number of complains. So, looks like you might have to go with Plan 2 for your Mother's Day Shopping.
You definitely qualify for the Black Helicopter Crowd if your Conspiracy Theory involves some kind of weird double-reversal explaining why "everyone" knows it. "Of course the Government knows we know the Illuminati run everything! That's why they still keep putting that symbol on dollar bills! Hiding it in plain sight!".
Ah, Weakest Link. Any game show where the host basically says "You suck. Get off my show" definitely gets added to our "Must Watch" list.
That is, until they start running it 25 times a week like Millionaire, and we get ill just hearing it's theme music...
Barbra Streisand want to get together with a bunch of Hollywood Types and buy CNN, claiming the station needs to be fixed, having become too Conservative. This is, of course, kind of like claiming Marlon Brando was in the hospital recently for symptoms related to Anorexia.
And we'd like to take back our earlier rant, wishing Babs would go away. Nowadays, every time we see her name, we breath a small sigh of relief, knowing we're gonna get at least 2 Rant Lines out of whatever nonsense comes spilling out of her mouth.
Not to make light of tragedies, but we're always amused by Pundits blaming school shootings on Video Games, and they trot out such Bleeding Edge titles as Mortal Kombat and Doom.
Here's hoping that, when it comes to the fine art film Freddie Gets Fingered, that Freddie was the goof that green-lighted this nonsense, and the Finger belongs to a sex-starved Gorilla.
Wow, all 3 Blair Witch PC Game titles were slapped-together quickie games rushed out to cash in on the popular movie. Who else is shocked and surprised?
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Michael Jackson and Prince, long after they've faded from public view, will reveal in separate interviews that they were having a bar bet-like contest seeing who could lead the weirdest lifestyle. Michael of course won, but Prince will explain that he never could convince Michael that the contest was over.
Oh, God. N'Sync is reportedly at work on a movie. Where the hell is that Writer/Talent Strike we were promised?
Speaking of, time to start saving your allowance money, kiddies; rumors abound about a movie featuring Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin, who is about one untied shoelace away from starring in the next Faces Of Death video. Which kind of makes us think even more that we're creeping toward another "Let's Worship The Aussies!" fad like we had in the 80's...
Female twins, who described themselves as "Fashion Models", were dragged off an airplane after causing a huge not-at-all-fueled-by-booze fuss when they were busted for smoking in the restroom. What fascinated us the most about this story is that the ladies were reportedly on their way to China for a Modeling Contest. Not to be racist, but doesn't that sound like the sort of line you'd feed to air-headed young ladies so you could set them up to be taken by some sort of White Slavery Ring?
Shame that the XFL seems to be on their way to getting canned. That's about 15% more research we'll have to do for Rant Lines.
Yes, you too can enjoy a Career as a Rant Columnist from the comfort of your Own Home! Just take the following FREE test, and mail the results to someone who cares. Ready? Come up with at least 3 lines about the following News Blurb; A Hong Kong doctor was busted for speaking with a car dealership about the purchase of a new Luxury Car over his cell phone...while he was operating on a patient. You have 30 minutes, please keep your eyes on your own text editor. Begin.
There was some sort of Boycott of the Earth Day festivities going on, due to the fact that the protestors felt Earth Day had attracted too many Corporate Sponsors. Uh, maybe we're out of line here, but isn't part of the idea of Earth Day is to get the attention of Big Business so you can get them to pay attention to the Environment or something?
Speaking of, we have quite enough news stories on "Look At All The Litter The Earth Day Parties Left Behind". Yes, irony, we get it, thanks.
Robert Moon, one of the inventors of the Zip Code, passed away recently. In accordance with his last wishes, funeral services will be held at the wrong cemetery.
Ouch. Wow, even we're ashamed of that one. And we were the ones that felt no shame in dragging an old Marlon Brando bit out of the Landfill.
And despite the multitude of radio ads to the contrary, we're just not buying The 700 Club as an "Unbiased News Source".
You know you've become a real Headcase when you, as a Celebrity, get busted again for a drug-related crime, and even E! doesn't give it more than a 10-second Sound Bite.
AT&T is reporting losses in the 300 million dollar range, mostly due to expenses connected to Excite@Home. And here's a bit of FREE advice to help them recoup some of those millions; Stop sending flyers to people EVERY DAY asking them to sign up for Excite@Home.
And what's more embarrassing than being the guy who seriously injured himself imitating a Jackass bit? Being the 2nd guy to seriously injure himself imitating a Jackass bit.
IBM has been busted for spray-painting "Graffiti Ads" all over San Francisco Sidewalks for their new line of Servers. Which reminds us once again why Dilbert creator Scott Adams will never, ever be out of ideas.
A Knight's Tale; or Are We The First To Do A Movie That Is In No Way Influenced By Gladiator?.
Sylvester Stallone wrote the screenplay (And stars in. Shocker, huh?) for the new movie Driven. Just what we always wanted; Days Of Thunder strained through a Rocky filter. Are there Power Ballads played over the End Credits, because that would just make our Joy Complete.
Buffy, The Vampire Slayer is moving to UPN. The reason given by the Production Company Spokesman was that the WB didn't "Share their Vision of the show". Of course, please ignore the part of the wire story where they explain how many more millions UPN is paying for the show, because those facts aren't relevant to the story.
The first touchdown in the XFL "Million Dollar Game" (read; Superbowl) was scored by an ex-ECW wrestler who proceeded to drop the People's Elbow on the ball as his End-Zone Dance. Sure, why the hell not?
And who the hell keeps letting Charo out of her cage?
Balthayzr isn't sure if he really wants to see the hidden "Easter Eggs" on porno DVDs, anyway.