|April 30th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: An outcry for more swearing, wonderful gift ideas for Mother's Day, and Valuable Exercise and Dieting Tips, approved by someone who knows someone who works in the same office building as a Doctor! And remember, while you may never see a Nude Gallery featuring shots of us, feel free to download the naughty pictures of your choice and just pretend.
Best new Product; Dancing Queens, a CD Collection advertised as "The Favorite Songs Of Drag Queens Everywhere." Huh. Guess it beats Wacky Fake Waffle Ads...
What we really need in this country is a new Curse Word. When was the last time you saw a really original Bad Word, and not some goofy-assed Urban-Based misspelling like "Be-otch", or a word where you just add something to an existing Curse, like "ShitFaced". That's the type of research we need our Tax Dollars invested in.
What, exactly, does it signify when a Rapper changes his name? Is it just the life-cycle of being a Gangsta, like when a snake sheds his skin? Or is it when your career and music have gotten stale, and you hope a new moniker will make people think you've come up with some other new stuff, as well?
Only in America could we take up riding a bicycle everywhere as a form of Exercise, then put an electric motor on the bike because it's "Too Hard".
We got news for ya, Roscoe; Despite what ads for those Home Exercise Things That Look Like Pop Art tell you, if it ain't hard, it ain't Exercise.
We will never eat a Crispy M&M ever again without having the delightful mental picture of the M&M Mascots trying to eat each other. Because you want people to think of Cannibalism when they think of your product.
Note to Great Clips; You know, those beyond-creepy ads worked well for Old Navy. That is *no* reason for you to decide to carry on the tradition.
We try to avoid any TV Show or Movie described as an "Event".
Especially if it's described as a "Magic" or "Once In A Lifetime" Event. And especially if we're advised to watch with "Loved Ones".
It's not really a salad if it's topped with 2 pounds of cheese, 3 pounds of Bacon Bits, and 4 gallons of Ranch Dressing.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2102, the Hardware And Software Quality Act will demand that all electronic devices, add-on products such as CD-RWs, and Software/Game packages work exactly as advertised, and be bug-free when released. In 2105, the various Electronics Industries will completely collapse, after it's discovered that the typical Cycle for the release of a completely bug-free product, from Conception to General Release, is calculated to be 24.7 years on the average.
Salon.com, having learned absolutely nothing from other online publications, has decided to create a Members Only (read: Pay Up, Sucker), area of the site containing "More Content" and "Erotic Photography". Yes, because giving something away for free and then one day suddenly expecting people to pay for the privilege always works.
Well, it *does* work in the Drug Trade. Which, since we're dealing with the Internet and Porn here, may actually be a better analogy than we at first thought...
And we wonder how many people will immediately cancel their Membership when they discover the "Erotic Photography" is mostly just Artsy-Fartsy black-and-white topless pictures? Not that we've done any sort of extensive research in that area.
Speaking of nude pictures, CNN is worried that they may have compromised their "Believability" by hiring Andrea "NYPD Blue" Thompson as a Talking Head for Headline News, because she's done some nude work in both TV and Print Mediums. Because we're sure *that* had nothing to do with hiring her in this era where CNN is losing viewers to Fox News. See, 1) 99% of the people out there had probably never heard of her, uh, alternate career before CNN started talking about it, and 2) Her journalism experience seems to be limited to her working for all of 11 months at some Podunk TV station. News Flash, kiddies; she ain't doing Headline News Nude.
For those of you entering the Business World, here's a bit of FREE advice; In your Email Client, learn the differences between "Reply" and "Reply To All". And especially the differences between "Send" and "Send To All".
The Big O, or Typical Japanese Giant Robots Fighting Things Cartoon Series, After The Creators Watched Too Many Episodes Of Batman; The Animated Series.
And is it really appropriate to call it The Big O, considering that's what researchers into Human Sexuality call Female Orgasms? Or is that just one of those wacky Anime In-Jokes?
Recently released Government Files show that the CIA considered Hitler "Insane" and "A Genius". Glad we got the Government to clear things like that up.
Note to Posters On Usenet; When you're arguing with someone, saying "*YAWN*" as your counterpoint is about 3 levels below "That's not what your Momma said to me last night.".
Note to Whatever-The-Hell-It-Is-They-Do Tech Company EMC2: TV Ads showing what we're assuming is your Product Line raining down in flames upon a hapless city might not be the image you want potential customers to walk away with...
Note to the BBC (Hey, we're on what might be considered a roll here); Think you could come up with any other series besides those involving "eccentric" little villages? How about more series involving people saying "Bottom" and "Willy"?
Great New Product Coming This Fall!; Shoezies, which are Collectable Shoes you play with by putting them on your fingertips and "walking" them around. Kinda like Safety Equipment for those little BMX Bikes and Skateboards, we're guessing...
The Animal. Or, It's Kinda Like Manimal, but with Rob Schnieder! And it's GROSS! Whoo-Hoo!.
Speaking of, Hollywood Big Shots have reportedly green-lighted Projects that normally wouldn't have gotten the go-ahead, so that there's Product out there when this whole Strike Business starts. Yes, kiddies, there's actually crapola out there that's *WORSE* than the stuff you're seeing now, stuff that gets *REJECTED*. And it's coming to a TV and/or Movie Screen Near You!.
And you know that, somewhere out there, there's some researcher who will somehow tie the fact that we enjoy the meanness on shows like Survivor and The Weakest Link to the fact that Republicans run Congress and the Presidency.
Wonder how many people are gonna end up suing the WWF for Cancer from Second Hand Smoke resulting from all the Indoor Pyro...
Robert Downey Jr. has finally gotten canned from Ally McBeal because of all his Drug Arrests. So, what exactly are we supposed to be feeling for Robby here? Apathy?
Looking for a new Hobby to keep you entertained on those rainy days? Why not check out Headhunter.com for some ideas? For instance, you can forward the address to friends claiming that it's a Job Hunting Service. Imagine the fun when their Bosses find this delightful site listed in their Browser History.
Let this Dot.Com Crash teach you all a Lesson; A Crappy Idea wrapped up in a pretty Web Site is still a Crappy Idea.
Balthayzr used up his Quotation Mark Quota for the year on this column.