|June 4th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We calmly explain why muscle-bound men should not wear women's dainties in public, explore the honorable world of Film Marketing, and mention Don Ho and Anne Heche in the same column, thus providing 95% of your Daily Required Amount of Nightmare Fuel. Enjoy.
We see one more Video Game Magazine devote 99% of an issue to crowing about the GameBoy Advance, and we're getting out the Sniper Rifle and heading out to the Freeway Overpass.
We did NOT need to see WWF wrestler Perry Saturn in a bra and thong. We did NOT need to see WWF wrestler Perry Saturn in a bra and thong. We did NOT...
It has to be kind of fun to be an Amusement Park Ride Designer. Just think, it's the only job besides Slasher Movie Maker where, if your target audience becomes Violently Ill and heaves their Cheerios, it means you've done your job properly.
And don't forget to watch your email box for the latest round of Tin-Foil-Hat theories on why the latest Mars Missions have revealed that there isn't, and never was, a Face On Mars.
Descendants of some of the Salem Witches are demanding that their ancient ancestor's name be added to an Exoneration Decree. Yes, we suppose that life as the great-great-whatever of an accused witch must be a daily struggle, what with all the finger-pointings and name-calling and being passed over for job promotions...
And be sure to stay tuned for the part where these descendants ask for Witch Reparations.
DIC, hawker of such fine creations as "Sailor Moon", has purchased Golden Books, owners of such creations as Tootle The Train and The Poky Little Puppy. And there's something oddly disquieting about that news, kind of like hearing Frito-Lay is purchasing a chain of Health Food Stores...
Sometime this summer, Don Ho is doing a series of shows in Vegas. In case you had some free time coming and were looking for a Quality way to spend it.
What's The Worst That Could Happen? Well, you could commit Career Suicide by co-starring in one of Martin Lawrence's "Look! I'm in disguise! It's WACKY!" films.
And here's a FREE tip for people who market films; Don't use a title for your project that's so easy to incorporate into puns and jokes contained in negative reviews.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: After years of lobbying, NASA finally gets a law passed in 2103 stating that anyone interviewing an astronaut or Space Station Worker is no longer allowed to ask "So, what's it like being in Space?".
From our Honest To God, We Actually Saw It file; Tanning Stencils. You actually put these letters and shapes and such on different parts of your body as you tan, and get what we're assuming is a half-assed tattoo.
From our Honest To God, We Actually Saw It file, Part II: Gang Graffiti on a downtown wall where the "logo" of the gang in question had the Powerpuff Girls flying around it. Yep, nothing says ruthless killers like the images of kindergarten-age anime-inspired tots.
Ah, the National Spelling Bee. The chance for reporters to not only prove they can spell hard words, too, but they can open a dictionary and give us the definitions of those hard words.
A group of snowmobile enthusiasts has dropped a lawsuit against the government demanding to be allowed to ride in an Alaska National Park, instead saying they'll use lobbying efforts to get legislation enacted on their behalf. Yes, they actually dropped a frivolous, time-wasting lawsuit to work *with* the system the proper way to get a law changed they feel is unfair. And they'll probably get it, because the plan is just so out-of-left-field, the U.S. will just roll over in complete confusion. Hell, we hadda read the story over 4 times to make sure we weren't seeing things.
They've got a term for it, finally. It's called Sedentary Death Syndrome. Because no one gonna fork over big bucks to study Lard-Asses That Sat In Front Of The TV/Computer Eating Snack Foods By The Metric Ton Until Their Hearts Exploded Syndrome.
And we're going out on a limb here, but were guessing that, because it's labeled a Syndrome, it means being Jabba The Hut is a Disease Related To An Inherited Genetic Condition/Predisposition and thus You Aren't To Blame For It.
Sean "P. Diddy Daddy Doo-doo-doodly" Combs is looking over locations to open one of those Celeb-owned eateries. And, if it's anything like it's boss, you'd better memorize it's location and be able to describe what your favorite dish looks like, because everything about it will probably go through a weekly name change.
Anne Heche has found True Love again and is engaged. To a GUY. Which means one of two things; 1) She's a lesbian only when she thinks it'll help her career. Which is Just Plain Wrong, or 2) She's Bisexual. Which is just Jim-Dandy with us.
And we have to admire the Media's restraint in not running off en masse to Ellen DeGeneres to get her feelings about this. It has to be restraint, it surely can't be that no one gives a rat's ass about Ellen anymore. She's got an upcoming sit-com, dammit!
And from our Those Who Ignore The Past Are Doomed To Repeat It file; Rick "Don't call me Ricky" Schroeder is leaving NYPD Blue, where we're sure he'll have the sort of personal and professional success enjoyed by all of the other people who've left this series, like uh... what's-his name, and that one woman, and the little guy.
And a Moment Of Silence for Hank Ketchum, the creator of Dennis The Menace, who passed away last week. If the death of Charles Shultz was any indication, we're sure the Country's mourning period will involve the usual group of on-line Comic Snobs who'll claim they never read his strip because it's not as topical and timely as the Doonesbury or Zippy The Pinhead rip-off they stumbled across on-line.
Want to render a Computer Tech Support person speechless? Start the conversation by informing them that you already have the latest Video Drivers, and you have already rebooted.
Just what the hell does Suxxor and Roxxor mean? Is Suxxor worse than Sucking?
Troy Stark, who played for the XFL New York Team, passed away last week due to complications from knee surgery. Which begs the question; How lousy a doctor do you have to be to kill someone with KNEE SURGERY?
And we're sure not a single pundit has put forth any Steroid or Drug theories about his death. Because that just doesn't happen in Vince McMahon's America.
Proof that someone, somewhere reads this column; After we posted numerous comments warning the public at large about fishy-sounding Movie Reviews from reviewers no one had ever heard of, it's been revealed that Sony Pictures had made up one called David Manning, from the Ridgefield Press. Seems Newsweek and other news agencies got suspicious when Mr. Manning gave The Animal a glowing review, and decided to talk to him about it, probably to see where they, too, could sign up for the Payola Train. Imagine everyone's pleasant surprise when it was discovered he was a figment of Sony's Imagination.
Which makes one wonder if you can apply Truth-In-Advertising Laws to phonied-up product reviews. Who volunteers to dig up a cheap lawyer and go first?
Oh, and THQ has cancelled the upcoming XFL video game. Go figure, huh?
Holiday driving tip? Yeah, we jump on the bandwagon late as usual, but here's your driving tip; Drive like everyone else on the road is a suicidal moron who's either blasted out of his mind, or doing 800 other things besides keeping his eyes on the road. Including yourself.
Balthayzr keeps beating the Dead Horses of the XFL and Sean Combs because Dead Horses Don't Hit Back.