|July 16th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Eyada.com takes a 3 count, politicians join the Miles-High Club, and we show that SCHIZOTRICHIA is one of the few places on earth that remembers that Dennis Miller had a Movie Career, in the sort of way Sir Mix-A-Lot had a Recording Career. Amazing how random crap like that sticks in your head, but you can't remember what you call the part of a pair of glasses that goes over your ears...
A California congressman has proposed redefining "property", in terms of collecting Property Taxes. His proposal would extend the definition of "property" to include anything up to 23,500 miles above the earth, so that Property Taxes could be collected on...Satellites. So, you might wanna run out right now and buy a Satellite Real Estate Lawyers Test Study Guide before the field gets overcrowded.
And how, besides fines, do you enforce something like this? Build a 24,000 mile-high fence? Orbital "Tax Enforcement" Missile Launching Platforms?
And it's not truly Summer until McDonald's comes out with their Monopoly Game, where of course your only chance of winning is to eat at McDonald's 7 times a day, so you have a decent chance to collect those game pieces before the game's 1 Month Life Cycle is up.
It's also not truly Summer until we dig that old bit out of mothballs and try to squeeze more Column Fodder out of it.
Insert the "Angioplasty as Prize" joke of your choice here.
The "hook" of this year's Monopoly game, by the way, is that you have a choice of 3 prizes once you collect all the appropriate game pieces (yeah, right). And the best prize choice here has to be the "$20 INSTANT PRIZE", where you have your choice of a $20 bill, two $10 bills, or four $5 bills. And you know there are gonna be morons standing in line with their INSTANT PRIZES, wondering which one of the 3 choices is the best prize...
"He has a Troubled Past" :translation: "We'd say he was, and probably still is, a Crook, but we don't feel like getting sued.".
When you stop and think about it, the WWF has to be a decent place to work. Name another job where your Job Description includes the phrase "Occasionally Punch Out Your Boss.".
In the long run, it costs about as much to run an Energy Efficient Air Conditioner on Cycle as it does to run 4 fans in every room of your house...
And, for those of you with kids, it's Safer, because the brats won't be able to play "What Happens When I Stick *This* In Those Spinning Blades" with the Air Conditioner.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2039, the Robert Downey Jr. Sentencing Law will go into full effect. Under this law, any current Celebrity caught in any act of breaking the law would simply produce their Actor's Union Card as proof of their Status, and be automatically assigned 3 Years Of Probation.
And could you idiots out there stop killing your little brothers and sisters imitating Wrestling Moves? You're ruining it for those of us with more than one working braincell.
The real tragedy being; When you stupidly imitate something you see on TV, you're supposed to Kill or Maim yourself, not others.
2 bits of bad news for those of you waiting for that Rollerball remake: 1) It's been pushed *way* back, from an initial May 18th to an Undetermined 2002 release date, and 2) Everyone involved with the picture says it'll be released when they "feel it's ready". Which anyone who reads Variety can tell you is Hollywood-Speak for "We're hoping that if we hold it back long enough, people will forget about it and we can quietly dump it.".
Special Note to 911Seniors.com; On your TV ads, you have this elderly person who actually says "I've fallen, and I can't get up!" Is that supposed to be some sort of Retro thing? You making subtle fun of your target audience? Or did you forget that this became a sort of kitschy catchphrase for about 20 minutes a few years back? Or is it that you're ACTUALLY THE SAME DAMNED COMPANY THAT MADE THE ORIGINAL PRODUCT/COMMERCIALS, and you haven't come up with anything new in all these years?
Speaking of, did we ever figure out just what the hell was so funny about that phrase? Was it the wooden line reading? The fact that it sounded like a bit of Badly Translated Japanese? Or are we just that cruel that we find the prospect of an elderly woman being stranded with a broken hip that amusing?
From our No Sense In Being Stupid Unless You Show It file; Vince McMahon grabbed a lot of attention, and a bit of extra rating points, when he introduced ECW as another "federation" invading the WWF, joining forces with WCW. And let's hope that ratings boost made him a few bucks, because it turns out that ECW-Owner-and-now-WWF-Announcer Paul Heyman don't own any of his own federation any more. Seems ECW is currently possessed by a Bankruptcy Court (who did *not* give permission for it to be used in any way), since Paul owes his creditors (including his wrestlers) payments to the tune of 7.5 million dollars. Meaning Vince can either drop what's become a very popular angle, or cough up big bucks in fines and Creditor Payments and hope he can make it back. So, what do you think Vince "XFL" McMahon's gonna do?
And no, it's not cute to take your Significant Other's glasses or sunglasses and slide them on their face for them. Because almost every time we've seen someone do this, they end up poking the other person in the eyes, and that's not helping any.
"And now this story, exclusive to our News Show!" :translation: "We were the only station that had a couple of minutes open, so enjoy this story we stumbled over.".
Note to Chris Rock; Let Dennis Miller serve as an example. Just because you've got a good Stand-Up routine, and just because you've got a good Cable TV Show (Which is just your Stand-Up Routine with an Interview tacked onto it), does not mean that you've got a Movie Career in your future.
And speaking of Chris Rock; You think that's his real voice, or his "Persona" voice?
The hell, Family Guy is back on FOX *again*? What, are we gonna have to hunt down creator Seth McFarlane and put a stake through his heart or something?
But seriously, you have to feel sorry for Seth. How would you like your Creation to be the series FOX uses to fill holes in it's schedule until it can get the next edition of Temptation Island or whatever in the Can?
Okay, when someone like the X10 Camera people pull a Stupid Net Trick (X10 and their Ad People have "invented" a Pop-Up Window that appears *under* your current one, supposedly fooling anti-popup Software), don't do endless articles on it. You just give the other idiots out there ideas, and you just give the original goofs *more* advertising...
And what's worse than Vampires on Port Charles? RuPaul doing a very creepy Lady Cleo imitation on Port Charles.
And a Moment Of Silence for Internet Talk "Radio Station" Eyada.com, that, among other Oddities they showcased, had a daily 2-hour talk show show called Wrestling Observer Live. Meaning we now have to go somewhere else to listen to both Wrestlers AND Wrestling Fans make various comments that show that they're taking the whole thing just a *tad* too seriously.
"Why Spend big bucks? We're an Inexpensive Alternative to (insert Product Name here)" :translation: "Our lawyers say we're *just* different enough to avoid a Lawsuit, so please buy our stuff.".
Simple Economics lesson: You want to know why all these "E-Commerce Solutions" went down the toilet? Your typical person doesn't want to give their credit card number out over the Phone. That's why most of the Catalogue services are gone. And these people at least kind of understand how a Phone works. Now, you want them to type that number in over the Internet...
We're gonna try to save all you Polling Companies out there some time: Most people don't want *any* new taxes, especially on the Internet. Nor do they want any sort of Gov't control over the Internet. And only the really buzzed-out Pot-heads are going to tell a perfect stranger that they'd like all drugs made legal.
"And now, another hour of Commercial-Free Music" :translation: "We couldn't give the ad time away. So, we decided to make it look like we're doing you some sort of favor.".
Balthayzr would like to point out that the 100th SCHIZOTRICHIA Column was written a few weeks ago. But it's still not too late to buy him gifts.