|June 25th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: The Quota System Of The Grim Reaper, more crying about Pop-Ups that we could avoid by staying off of "those" sites, and Rubber Fetish Midget Sex. And, if you stumbled across this site because you put those 4 words into a Search Engine, may we just take this time to say; What else came up, and could you email us the links?
When John Lee Hooker passed on, if you at any point said "Hooker's a GOOD COP!", please step forward for your Official SCHIZOTRICHIA Back-Of-The-Head Slap.
You also qualify for one if you said "Who?". Your Penance is to go to your local Record Store, or your favorite Napster Alternative, and actually get and listen to some of his music. Heathens.
Sign Of A Crap Movie #35; When the Lead Character, whether he be a Spy, Or Thief, Or Hit Man, says in the film's opening scenes "I've done my last job, I'm out of the Business.".
So, we're to assume by the commercials that the main Customer Base for Fram Auto Parts are people who are too stupid or lazy to wash up after they've worked on their cars.
Something we learned after being home sick a couple of days and seeing Daytime TV: There appears to be a lot of Prescription products to help people with Weak Bladders. And every one has, as a side effect, diarrhea. We don't know about you, but, given the choice, we think we'd rather Wet our pants than Shit them...
"FREE Stuff! Follow this Link!" :Translation: "Hope you like Pop-Ups, because you're gonna spend the next 15 minutes closing about 70 of them.".
And we know we've harped on about Pop-Ups before, but we gotta ask; Why? Why would you so piss off visitors to your site? Isn't the idea of a web site to get people to keep coming back over and over? How do the ads pay off once word gets around, and people avoid your site like a dead skunk?
New York has voted to ban Cell Phone Use by drivers. And while we have to agree with the concept, you have to wonder whether or not it's the best idea to take someone who's already driving like an idiot because they're distracted by a Cell Phone, and scaring the crap out of them with Police Lights and Sirens.
"You know, if (insert dead celebrity's name here) was still alive, they'd be X years old!" Uh, is there actually ever a point to that little piece of trivia, besides showing off your math skills? Or do you think that there's a lot of folks out there who are unaware of the fact that people who don't die continue to age?
Here's a little bit of Nightmare Fuel for you; Somewhere out there, French Stewart is looking for another Acting Job.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2011, The Surf Guru will finally come out of Self-Imposed Exile for his record-breaking Deaf Ears Tour.
Our favorite type of Commercials have to be the ones where TV Stations use MTV-Style quick edits and images in an attempt to make sports like Auto Racing, Tennis, and Golf look Edgy and Extreme.
One sure sign that you're looking at a Commercial like this; Images of Fire, something on Fire, or something smoking because it was recently On Fire. Also listen for someone bellowing in a "Let's Get 'Em!" Style off-screen, and a lot of shots that alternately slow down and speed up.
Note to budding Science Fiction Writers; You might want to come up with something a little different than the "The Strange, Destructive Aliens Are Men From A Planet Called Earth" plotline. It's already been used once or twice.
Uh, are Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson dating now? We really don't care, we're just getting a bit tired of watching their old tape...
Note to Rosie O'Donnell; No one really cares that you're gay. And, those that did, already knew. But, hey, if announcing it makes you feel any better, you have right at it.
Ex-President Clinton is scheduled to do a series of Guest Shots on Emeril's new sit-com. Publicists for the show say Bill's a natural, due to his legendary love of food. So much for The Legacy, huh Bill?
Fear Factor. Or, College Hazing, The TV Show.
And we totally believe the people that lost the first event actually walked home through the desert, and didn't step into an air-conditioned Limo 10 seconds after the cameras got off them.
And a Moment Of Silence for Caroll "Archie Bunker" O'Connor, who passed on last week. Which brings to mind that age-old question; You think most people have figured out that All In The Family made fun of the Left about as much as it made fun of the Right?
Yes, we're perfectly aware that George Foreman named all his offspring "George". So, it's not exactly News. So, could the various News Agencies stop doing stories and commentary on it?
You find a dead fly on the floor, and you have to wonder; Is your place so clean he starved, or is your place so filthy that it actually killed a fly?
Or maybe he died of Old Age, who the hell knows? You'd be amazed at what you find amusing with a Deadline and several Blank Lines Staring you in the face.
A news release recently went out, reputing the rumors that "Babe", the pig from the movie of the same name, had been sent off to slaughter. Whew. We know we're breathing a bit easier, knowing that.
And we're all for Sites and Clubs and Action Committees that try to get more Women and Minorities and such involved in Computers and Technology. However, you might want to kind of hold back on the accusations that there's... certain people out there "hogging" the Internet and all the Computers. Because that sort of brings you into that Tin Foil Hat League.
Are there *still* Rappers out there inserting "DJ" into their names? It was stupid and forced-sounding back in the 80's. Now, it sounds like you let your Mom pick out your names for you while she was sewing your Costumes.
Jay Leno did an episode of his Tonight Show without studio lighting, in order to raise awareness of the California Energy Crisis. Now, we didn't watch it ourselves, seeing as how Jay's become this SCTV Characature of himself, but we're sure he explained how the cameras and the mikes and the monitors and such were using no electricity at all...
Uh, you think the Snapple Company is actually aware of how creepy Midgets In Fruit Costumes are in their TV Ads?
Especially the TV ads that imply Snapple comes from these Fruit Creatures Having Sex? We don't think we wanna meet the people who see this sort of thing and associate it with Beverages...
Wow. Dude, Where's My Car? actually *did* come out on DVD. That's....disturbing. Wonder how long until they try to unload all the unsold copies by including it as a FREE Bonus with the purchase of a new DVD? Or the purchase of a box of Raisin Bran?
Balthayzr does *not* dress up like a Kiwi Fruit and hang out in Bars. Just thought we should clear that up.