|July 2nd, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Toilet Humor (well, Toilet *Comments*, anyway), 18 new Reality Shows get the go-ahead just in the last 4 seconds, and Part 156 in our Continuing Series on People Who Shouldn't Be Allowed To Rap, Ever.
Survivor IV, which will take place in the Amazon, is accepting Cast Applications. And we'd put the link to the Application Page here but, if you're the type of person who aspires to be taken off to some God-Forsaken land to battle a bunch of strangers for a bowl of Leech Gumbo, you've probably already got the page book-marked...
Want to have some fun in any of the Science-based newsgroups? Make a post claiming that glass is actually a liquid, and will flow out of windowframes after a few hundred years.
And a Moment Of Silence for Usenet co-creator Jim Ellis, who passed away after a long battle with non-Hodgkins lymphoma. Mr. Ellis helped develop the precursors to our Modern Internet, and we'll leave it up to the philosophers to decide if Mr. Ellis actually meant it to become the vehicle for Porn, Pirated games and music, and a platform for 8 thousand nuts to claim, among other things, that *they* were the inventors.
(Insert your own Al Gore Joke here).
Okay, that commercial for TVLand, with Mr. T and Tony Randall rapping, has to be the most disturbing thing we've ever seen...
Remember when we said X-Pac's "X-Factor" was the worst wrestling theme song ever? Well, everytime we hear Shane McMahon's "Here Comes Da Money" Theme, we change our minds *just* a little bit...
Quick note to the various News Agencies; To Hell with OJ. No one cares about OJ. The tabloids don't even really care about OJ anymore. Stop interviewing OJ. Stop taking his phone calls. Are we being too subtle here?
Speaking of Wrestling; If you make lengthy posts on various wrestling newsgroups and forums, in which you, using logic, explain why this or that wrestling angle makes no sense and won't work, you *really* need to get out of the house more.
Ok, one more wrestling comment, we promise; how many more times is the WWF going to try the "Big Goof" personality for Paul "Big Show" Wight before they finally discover that it ain't working?
Who the hell did CNN's Jeanna Moos fail to screw to end up with this Stuff-Dug-Out-Of-Andy-Rooney's-Garbage Making The Moost Of It show?
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The Adult Diaper Industry will become a multi-billion dollar business when someone comes up with the idea of marketing them as "Time Savers" to busy executives, in much the same vein as Cell-Phones and Palm Pilots. "Too much coffee? One too many Spicy Meatballs the night before? Never miss an important meeting or appointment because of inopportune Bodily Functions again, thanks to Depends!".
Yes, we all know about the Britney Spears Guide to Semiconductor Physics website, thank you. Yes, the juxtaposition is very amusing. Whoopee.
Paula Poundstone has recently been charged with three counts of committing lewd acts against a child under 14 and one count of endangering two girls and two boys (Which people are assuming are her adopted/foster children). And we have one thing to say to her about this; If the charges turn out to be false, you have our Pity. Because people hear what they want to hear, and believe what they want to believe. And, no matter what truth comes out about the charges, people all over the world will peg you as a Pedophile.
Cripes, how many "Better Than Sex" and "Death By Chocolate" recipes *are* there?
One of our local Grocery Store Chain locations has put in a Self Check-Out, where customers run their own items through a laser scanner, then run through a credit card to pay for their items. The idea behind this is to speed up check-out, and save the store money because they'll need less cashiers. Problem is, they needed 2 Security Guards to watch over these 3 lanes to make sure no one tried to pull any fast ones, and 2 people wandering between the 3 lanes explaining to people how to use the system properly. So, they use 3 less cashiers, but need *4* employees to insure the lanes run properly...
Women, want to have a little fun with your new boyfriend/husband? Store your boxes of Feminine Hygiene Products between the toilet and sink, and see how long it is before he asks you to come in and move them.
Which reminds us; Is it too much trouble to ask people to clean around the lips of their toilet bowls once in a while? Or are piles of Groin-Area Debris the new "In Look"?
The reason we say this is; Once in a while, people have reason to stick their *faces* in the toilet. And these people have more than enough reason to be violently ill without your help.
We like to think we have an open mind, so we'll give them a chance to explain; How, exactly, does an IUD-looking thing glued to the inside of a cell-phone's battery case increase it's range?
Oh, and maybe your Supermodel "Licensed Chiropractor" would be more believable, and thus a better spokesperson for your product, if she didn't claim that it made calls "perfeckly" clear.
ABC is reportedly working on a Daytime version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?. Now, pardon our ignorance of the way the TV Business works, but didn't they just cut down the number of times Millionaire is shown per week because people were getting just a little bit tired of it?
Scary Movie 2, or We Had About 4 Gags That We Didn't Get To Use In "Scary Movie", So We Decided What The Hell.
You Don't Know Jack!. It's a Game Show! It's A Comedy Show! Give us a call when it decides to do one of them well...
And only in America could a guy like Paul Reubens conjure up a new career out of a Public Masturbation Charge. Think he puts that on his Acting Resume?
"It's New and Daring!" :translation: "It's New and...well... It's NEW!".
Short Version; Microsoft "won" most of it's court case. And, if history is any proof, the the various Microsoft Haters will take this defeat in their usual calm, mature manner. Meaning, if there was anything you needed off the Microsoft Web Site, you might wanna hurry over and get it before the DOS Attacks begin...
And let this be a lesson to all you Judges out there; If you want your decisions to stick, maybe you shouldn't be giving interviews during the trial, bragging about how you're gonna "crush" the defendant. Just a thought.
Does anyone really care about the insides of Celebrities' Homes? We mean, besides the stalkers who'd like to know the lay-out of the place so they don't trip over anything in the dark...
Proof that Evolution not only has Stopped, but has actually begun going Backwards; This big-wig from Showtime gives an interview on one of the C-Spans. And he relates a story about this group that's protesting the series Queer As Folk. And he relates how this group threatens to boycott all the sponsors of this show. Of course, Showtime *has* no sponsors for their shows, being a Premium Service that charges by Subscription. Meaning, what, these people are threatening to boycott people who subscribe to cable?
"Soon, 10 Ordinary People Will..." :translation: "Yeah, it's another Reality Show. Maybe if you'd stop watching them, we'd stop making them.".
Balthayzr actually has a lovely Leech Gumbo recipe. The secret is adding the cilantro at *just* the right time.