Schizotrichia by Balthayzr

July 2nd, 2001
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July 26, 1999

A Random Xmas

July 9th, 2001

Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: It's Revenge Of The Brando, Monday Night Sweaty Guy Theatre, and news about Nazis that has nothing at all to do with EBay. And we discuss more Soap Opera Plots, despite the fact that we honestly don't watch them. Really and truly.

"Public Preview Release" :translation: "If we called it Beta, no one would download it and be our FREE Beta testers.".

You know you've truly become a Couple when your Significant Other not only opens your mail, but throws a lot of it out because they "knew" you Didn't Need To Look At It.

Incoming Clue Alert: See, the reason a lot of companies are canceling their Dreamcast game releases, is because no one really wants to spend millions of dollars making games for a dead system.

And Vince McMahon's greatest angle of all time is going to be the one where he convinces people that Steve Austin is "cool" again after Austin has spent the better part of this year playing the Corporate Kiss-Ass.

The hell are we thinking? The typical wrestling fan has the memory of a goldfish, so all Austin has to do is punch Vince once, make a 5-minute "Up Yours" speech, and all will be forgiven.

Yep, nothing makes you look quite as witty as holding up a sign at a Sporting Event with an In-Joke written on it that only you, and the 2 guys sitting with you, understand.

The new W.W.II Online game has come under fire recently, because people playing on the side of the Axis have been, shall we say...overzealous in role-playing their parts, "yelling" such garbage in-game as "Hitler Roolz!" and "Jews Suxxor!". The question here being: You gave a bunch of 15-year-old Internet Computer "d00dz" the chance to play Nazi. What the hell did you *think* was going to happen?

The second best part about W.W.II Online being the initial group of "patches", which reportedly weighed in at somewhere around 150 MEGS. And the game reportedly still has major problems. Lesson: Being the first kid on your block means you're the one showing all the other kids what an idiot you can be.

Ya know what's really scary? The Jackson Reunion Concert or whatever the hell they're calling it, is actually having little trouble selling those $500 seats. Jesus, people, how many times is it fun to go to the Sideshow and see the Bearded Lady?

Ya wanna know what's even more scary? Michael Jackson looks at himself in the mirror after every butcher job and says "Oh, yeah. This looks GOOD.".

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: By 2033, the problem of disposing of the World's Trash is solved when an enterprising company discovers that relatives of Executives will by any piece of crap, as long as it's attached to a nice polished piece of mahogany and sold as an "Executive Toy".

Let Webvan's downfall teach everyone a lesson: just because someone's too lazy to go pick out their own food from a store doesn't mean they're willing to let a group of strangers do it for them at Premium Prices.

A Sure Sign that you should be cleaning your house a little more often; You stumble across coupons for products that are no longer made, like Pink Panther Flakes Cereal.

With a civilization as advanced as ours, you think Sci-Fi writers could come up with techno-babble that didn't include the expression "Multiply the Co-efficient by...".

Exactly why, in some movies, do they credit the cast, show some credits, and then credit the cast *again*? Is your Ego that big that, during a Feeding, it needs seconds?

Cats and Dogs, or Here's Hoping No One Remembers That "Spy Dogs" Series FoxKids Did.

Speaking of, we've actually seen reviews where the reviewer in question has complained about Cats in the movie being Stereotyped as Sneaky and Evil. Uh huh. News flash, kiddies; In Summer Movies, *someone* has to play the Robbers.

And speaking of movie credits, what exactly is an "Assistant To (Insert Star's Name Here)? Are the Unions in Hollywood that strong that the guy who fetches Orlando Jones his danish gets a Movie Credit for it, now?

Is it just us, or has TechTV's The Screen Savers become this sort-of Catch Basin for all the people who don't have their own show anymore, but TechTV can't bring themselves to Let Go?

Bob Patterson, a TV Series about a Motivational Speaker who's not really that good at his job! Do you suppose he sleeps in a Van Down By The River?

And to prove a point we've made many times in this column: Scary Movie 2 had 7 writers. 7.

Hell, even Marlon "A paycheck? Never mind what it's for, I'll be right there" Brando managed to Get Sick rather than show up for this celluloid spitbucket.

Vampires. On Port Charles. Vampires. Let's say it together here, again: Passions works because it *knows* it's goofy, and it let's the Audience in on the joke.

Although, they *do* get Brownie Points for coming up with a semi-original Solution to the "He's dead, how do we bring him back to the series" Dilemma, besides the old "No one ever found the Body" bit...

It defeats the purpose of an Unmarked Squad Car if 1) It's got Municipal License Plates on it, 2) It's bristling with Radio Antennas, and 3) There's a guy driving it wearing Mirrored Shades and a Policeman's Uniform.

Schizotrichia Fun Fact: The Guinness Book Of World Records was actually started by the Guinness Ale Company as a way to provide information that would settle Bar Bets. Maybe.

Is it a Good Sign or Bad Sign, physiologically speaking, if you're one of those people whose urine almost always seems to carry the odor of the last meal you ate, like Asparagus or Bleu Cheese? You'd be surprised how hard it is to get a serious answer to that question, especially from strangers at Bus Stops. Whatever happened to People Helping People?

When pinned down and asked for a serious answer, Burglar Alarm Manufacturers admit that anti-Theft measures like Alarms and Window Bars don't really deter the determined or Professional Thief. But, we guess advertising your product as "We stop the rank amateurs, while pissing off the Pros trying to steal your stuff" doesn't quite have that ring to it...

Proof that Evolution not only has Stopped, but has actually begun going Backwards; H&R Block had to send a company representative onto National TV in order to BEG a New Jersey man to accept the 1 million dollar prize he had won. Seems no one else could convince him that it wasn't some sort of scam...

And you might well ask "Why didn't they just give someone with an IQ higher than his Age the prize money?". Well, children, it's because America is the land of the Lawsuit, meaning that the guy would have sooner or later found out that it *wasn't* a scam, hired a lawyer, and sued H&R for 50 million dollars.

Balthayzr is spending most of his summer at Adult Webmaster School.

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