|February 4th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We jump on the "Gee, the SuperBowl sucks" bandwagon, try to explain the difference between a Member and a Finger, and give more Valentine's Day advice that's not gonna work real well on your RealDoll.
So MGM has supposedly finally gotten their way, and managed to convince the MPAA that the world would come to a painful end if the new Austin Powers movie was allowed to keep the name GoldMember. Because, of course, people are so stupid that they would go see this film instead of buying the Goldfinger DVD, the names being so similar and all.
Wonder if this means they'll be going after Cartoon Network and Hanna-Barbera next, demanding they stop showing all those old Secret Squirrel cartoons with the villainous Yellow Pinky in them.
One of the main reasons MGM gave for all the fuss was that the "Unauthorized Parody" might tarnish the image of the Bond Movies. Oh, yeah, *nothing's* ever happened to tarnish the image of the Bond Movies. Hell, we could fill a column on just A View To A Kill, or the Timothy Dalton "Let's make a dark, grim Spy Parody" years...
Let's see if we understand this. Tyson bites Holyfield's ear off in 1997, then keeps smashing Orlin Norris' face after the bell in 1999, then knocks down the ref so he can keep scrambling Lou Savarese's brains in 2000, THEN gets into a scuffle with his latest opponent at a press conference, biting his thigh so badly that he needed stitches. And he can't understand WHY the various boxing commissions won't give him a license? Maybe he ought to count his blessings that he *didn't* get his license back, seeing how much brain damage he's apparently already suffered.
Note to video game reviewers; Yes, we know there's a Mike Tyson boxing game coming out. No, you're not the first guy to ask which joystick-button combination activates the Ear Bite. Thank you.
Bet all those people are real happy that they paid big bucks for Front-Row seats at RAW, so Triple H can spit a mouth-full of water all over them.
We did enjoy Monster.Com's little slogan during the SuperBowl, "Finding Great Jobs For Great Americans". That's right, no jobs for those Godless Terrorists, dammit!
Of course, now we just sit back and await the Discrimination Lawsuits...
AT&T's "Mlife", or "How an enigmatic commercial campaign and a web site promising Info can create the illusion of Product Demand to advertisers and investors ("Look at all the site hits! People really want this, honest!")".
Actual small print on our Phone Bill, notifying us about a service that we could call to get off Telemarketing Lists they assemble and sell; "Even if you restrict use of your information, it may still be used to market services to you." Thanks so much for clearing that up.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The Las Vegas Gaming Industry will go Bankrupt in one nightmarish weekend when the Gaming Commission, in an attempt to make Vegas more Family-Friendly, institutes the same "We Don't Keep Score/Everyone's A Winner" rules in the Casinos that people are trying to institute in organized sports all over.
Speaking of AT&T; Seems their getting out of the 900 Number business, thus forcing millions of trailer-dwelling women to go out and find real jobs.
And we're betting it's because most of these "services" now use 800 numbers and credit cards, not anything to do with AT&T's Morals. Or maybe they got tired of being named Co-Defendants in Fraud lawsuits.
Just because you're not getting Daily Updates and Screenshots of a soon-to-be-released videogame doesn't mean the game's gonna end up being a complete load. It simply means they don't want people judging the game on unoptimized screenshots or buggy beta releases, and/or features that might not end up in the final release. Hey, remember before the Internet, when we had to wait for Monthly Magazines for our Sneak Peeks?
Having said all that; Where the hell are our Duke Nukem Forever Screenshots and Downloads, dammit!.
Think we've *just* about had our fill of "All-American" Businesses, the ones that put images of flying flags in the background of their ads, and promise American Flag Pins/Window Decals if we CALL IN THE NEXT TEN MINUTES.
Because, of course, if you call 11 minutes from now, you won't get that Special Price or the Various Freebies. Of course.
Let's put it this way; If you want to avoid being part of the Whoring of anything or anyone, avoid anything with the word "Commemorative" in it's name. You wanna Commemorate 9/11, give to a damn charity.
So, anyone care that Mariah Carey lost her Recording Contract? Didn't think so.
What was with all the shots of "Our Troops" during the SuperBowl? Was the game, or the commercials, that much better because we got to see Army guys in tents watching? Hell, we pay them to get out and shoot Terrorists, godammit, not sit around and listen to Pat Summerall try to figure out why everyone was saying "Nice working with you, Pat" to him all day.
Although, we did get a kick out of the one guy who was waving his rifle around in obvious joy over the Patriots scoring. That gives one confidence, knowing we're being defended by the guys from Zeke's Bar.
From our See, We Warned You About This file; Correspondence found in captured Taliban computers supposedly show them discussing using Biological Agents, now that the American Media had given them the idea, and shown them how cheap and efficiently they could kill people that way.
Those Glow-Sticks that the assembled masses were waving at half-time; Were they free, or was there actually a bunch of vendors wandering around yelling "Patriotic Glow-Sticks! You can't show the people watching how much you Love America without a Glow-Stick! Tell Osama to kiss your ass with a tube of chemicals that'll go dark in 15 minutes!".
And we saw how much the people were showing their Love Of America with those Glow-Sticks. Especially the folks that were tossing them at U2.
Just in case you can't get those Tickets to the Tammy Faye Whatever Show, news comes down the pike that someone's writing a Musical Based On The Life And Times Of Jesse Ventura. It's obviously not going to be out in time for Cupid Day, but a Promissory Note saying you'll take the Object Of Your Affection to the first possible showing of this gem is sure to get you some Quality Bedsprings Squeaking Time.
Ever notice no good news ever contains the words "Musical Version Of"?
Note to our Neighbors; Get your own damn snowblower. It's not like only Sharper Image imports them from overseas one at a time for 100,000 bucks apiece.
Also, cries that you have to get to work won't make us cough up the snowblower any faster. What, you think we're clearing the stuff off our driveway at 6:30AM so we can make sure we got enough material on our lawn to build a really keen snowfort?
So, we're flipping thru the cable channels the other day. And we stumble across this little film called Bongwater. And we innocently start watching it. And what happens? They throw Jack Black at us. In his undies. In a damn hot tub. WHY???
Balthayzr knows the difference between a Member and a Finger. Giving someone in another car The Finger won't get you hauled off to jail. Or laughed at.