|September 10th, 2001
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Time for our Annual Lecture on Capitalism and Christmas Shopping, comment on commercials where you'll have to go and wait for the damn ad to be on again before you understand the rant, and generally a lot of lines on how everyone but You and Us is a Great Big Doody-Head. And we're not too sure about Us.
Incoming Clue Alert; Politics, whether local, state, country, or world, can be summed up in 7 words: The Other Party, And Their Ideas, Suck.
Note to Britney Spears; Singing about being a Slave while fondling a Big Snake on the MTV Awards doesn't do much for your "I'm Sweet and Innocent" bit.
Oh, and remember back a long time ago, when we said Michael Jordan wouldn't come out of retirement, because he seems to be making more than enough money being a Team Owner and doing the occasional commercial? Seems we might be wrong. Just remember, kids; When Ego and Laziness battle, Ego will win every time.
Note to Video Game Dealers: You ain't helping Microsoft's Monopoly case one bit by saying one can only buy the Xbox if you buy the 500 buck "3 Games Bundle" package.
2 Quick McDonald's related items. 1) A million dollar prize ticket was donated to the St. Jude Children's Research Hospital in Memphis, Tennessee. Turns out it was donated by the goof who was in charge of stealing all the Game prizes for the "Crime Ring". 2) One of the winners in the Million Dollar "Let McDonald's Choose A Winner At Random To Hopefully Duck A Lotta Lawsuits" Labor Day promotion was the Owner of a Taco Bell/KFC franchise down the street. The Moral of the story; McDonald's might wanna stick with shoving Beanie Babies and Barbies in Happy Meals.
Sales of Aaliyah's R&B albums have "skyrocketed" since her death, as reported by several record chains. This is, of course, because people are sick fucks. It is also because people are very self-important, and love to jump on stuff like this so as to look Kewl to the other people at the Coffee house ("Of course I listen to Aaliyah, you pissant.") Any of you youngsters out there starting a band, however, might wanna seek a different way to make people notice your little garage band.
By the by, Shareware means "Try Before You Buy.". It does not mean "Memorize Keystroke To Bypass Nag Screen".
Reportedly, a scene in the upcoming Harry Potter film had to be reshot, because it was discovered that several sunbathers in the background were topless. Now, why would the studios release this little tidbit as a Press Release? Could it be they think legions of Deviants will show up to the film, hoping to discover a scene that escaped the Editor's Eye? Naah, of course not. How cynical.
And let the recent closings of the Warner Bros. Stores be a lesson to you; Just because people love Bugs Bunny and Harry Potter, does *not* mean they'll pay 30 bucks for a cheap Throw Pillow with their face on it.
Of course, we all know the reason that the Disney Stores stay in business is because all Parents are taught that Mommies and Daddies Who Don't Purchase Products And Movie Tickets From The Disney Company Are Scumbag Child Abusers. That, and the millions of adult women who think it's not creepy AT ALL to parade around in Grumpy/Tigger/Bambi outfits.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2092, the Japanese Government will finally agree to pay reparations to the legions of Schoolchildren who were forced to wear what came to be known as "Creepy Little Shorts", thus making them the object of scorn and jokes. No reparations will be paid to people around the world who claimed to be Scarred For Life from looking at Japanese Children in Creepy Little Shorts. Not because it's hard to prove who actually did see them, but because it will be hard to prove who did or didn't secretly enjoy it...
Unless you manage to organize a boycott recognized by every person on Earth, the Department Stores are not going to stop putting Christmas Stuff out in September. Yelling at the Sales Clerks doesn't help your position one iota, either. And besides, what's it hurting? It not like they shoved all the Deadly Disease Cures into the back room to make room for the stuff.
And here's another reason; They wouldn't put the stuff out this early if NO ONE WAS BUYING IT. See, some people who use their brains for more than keeping the wind from whistling through their ears actually Christmas shop a little early, so they avoid the crowds and the parking and the gun-toting nuts who finally broke after weeks of putting up with the crowds and the parking.
Note to the makers of Co-Pilot Speaker Pro, The Hands-Free Cell Phone Solution; The lady on your TV commercial does not look happy that your product has enabled her to enjoy the news that her son's drawing was placed by his teacher on the blackboard. It looks more like the news has triggered her change into a Werewolf. Sluggish sales of your product might be tied to fears that excessive use might make customers also assume werewolf form, thus scratching their car's interior and getting foam on the leather seats.
Beware of dealing with any business that has adopted the trend of calling their customers "Guests". Be doubly cautious when Providing Services And Products To Said Guests is called "Delighting" them.
"In Order To Better Serve Our Guests..." :Translation: "We figure you won't bitch too much at us if we implied this new rule is the Customer's Fault.".
Incoming Clue Alert; Skinny, like 70 pounds skinny, does *not* equal Young and Beautiful.
Especially if 50 of those pounds are a custom Wig and heavy make-up.
Your Chemistry Homework for this evening; Explain how a product with "Natural Fruit Flavors" also has a label saying it contains no Fruit Juices. Claiming Fructose is a "Natural Fruit Flavor" will be considered Cheating.
A new product that blocks cell phone signals, and thus insures Movies and Plays will remains uninterrupted by ignorant people, is under fire for possibly violating First Amendment Rights. We say, never mind that crap; How long until this fine product is available in a Personal Version, and how long until some propeller-head discovers how to make it deliver a Feedback through the phone capable of splitting sheetrock at 20 paces? Because that, indeed, would Make A Fine Gift.
Incoming Clue Alert; Yes, people will remember your Strippers and half-naked Booth Girls at the Trade Show. However, the flow of blood to other parts of the body will prevent them from remembering your Company or the Products it makes.
With what dish do you serve that gallon of wine sold by the Bottle, and with which do you serve the gallon of wine sold by the Mylar-lined Box?
The latest thing to discuss at all the In-Parties, by the way, is why the increase in shark attacks. Do not attempt to use Logic in telling people that there's the same amount of attacks there's always been, more or less, it's just being covered more.
Something That We Honest-To-Dobbs Got In An E-Mail, Just To Get You Started; The Bush Administration is training sharks for possible military/Anti-Boat People use.
Why is it such news that Odd Things Happened at the Michael Jackson shows over the week-end? It's like reporting that the recent thunderstorm got everything wet.
And a Moment Of Silence for Justin "Cajun Cook" Wilson, who passed away last week. Without Mr. Wilson, we might not have other celeb Cooking Personalities like Wolfgang Puck, or Martha Stewart, or Emeril, or...huh. But, without him, we probably wouldn't have a Food Network bringing us Iron Chef, either, so we guess he can be forgiven.
ABC is doing a 20-years-later update of Grease. In case you were wondering what happened to Travolta and Newton-John after they discovered Muscle cars can't fly.
Thank you, Castrol Corporation, for warning us that we shouldn't try to apply your Accu-Vision Rain-repelling product to our car windows unless we are Professional Drivers on a Closed Course. You have saved many lives, sirs and madams, and we Thank You.
Incoming Clue Alert: Inanimate objects, be they Soft Drinks, Video Games, Clothes, or what-have-you, are incapable of having an "Attitude". The businesses in question, however, do have an "Attitude"; one of being too damn lazy to come up with anything original in terms of ads.
And here's a scary thought to rock yourself to sleep with tonight; The WWF is in negotiations to have Hulk Hogan and Ultimate Warrior appear, and perhaps wrestle, at the next Wrestlemania. Eep.
Balthayzr does not think Creepy Little Shorts would make a good name for a Rock Band. So stop it right now.