Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: We dust off an old Napster bit we found in the back of the closet, frighten people by mentioning Jerry Lewis *AND* David Hasselhoff in the same column, and make several in-jokes about things that happened in our neck of the woods that we expect people who don't live around here to understand. Oh, and we pick on TNN and TechTV again, which were sure no one ever gets tired of.

First the Good News; Jerry Lewis says he might be too ill to do a lot on his Labor Day Telethon this year. The Bad News is that Ed McMahon has offered to take up the slack...

Insert your favorite "Too busy changing the Hot Butter in his hair" joke here.

According to Ain't-It-Cool-To-Live-In-Your-Parent's-Basement-News (And we know it *must* be dependable news, because no one ever sends him joke items or anything), Spielberg is re-tooling E.T. for a 2002 release. One of the things he's reportedly doing is removing the guns from all the federal agents chasing Our Heroes. And this is good, because experience has taught us that Federal Agents never use guns of any sort where there might be kids around.

Oops. That turned into a Manifesto real quick. We've *got* to remember to not write this column right after we've paged through our Militia Catalogues ("Redecorating Underground Bunkers on a Budget").

Question for the Various Music Video Channels; So, Soul Music is basically Rap Music performed at a slower speed, now?

Oh, God. Uncle Kracker music as a "ringer" for cell phones. If this ain't Hell, it has to at least be the friggin' Off-Ramp.

Whoo-hoo! Just think, with the release of Heelies, the shoe with wheels in the sole by the heel, can the public availability of Rocket Cars, Earthquake Pills, and Flying Batman Suits be far behind?

Okay, let's see if we got this straight: Sharks are attacking people on Florida Beaches. And what seems to be the basic American's response? Actually crowding onto these beaches to hopefully spot some mayhem. And these people had to actually be chased off the beaches when violent lightning storms started. Ya know, maybe we should just let these types of goofs do this kind of idiotic crap, and clean the ol' Gene Pool out before future generations are reduced to trying to find the "ON" switch on combs...

Variety reports that Baywatch Blast, a 2-hour TV movie starring David Hasselhoff and his team of Precision Slow-Motion Bouncing Breasts, is in the works. And we're so glad, because maybe this'll tie up all those plot-lines that have left viewers dangling all this time...

Hey, it's either this, or Hasselhoff hits the recording studio again and SINGS AT US.

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2094, the Recording Industry of America will successfully lobby for the launch of their own series of Spy Satellites. Using these satellites, the RIAA will be able to detect, and thus able to demand payment from, everyone who in any way "Performs" a copyrighted song, whether it be humming it at work, singing it in the shower, or what have you. They will, however, fail in their attempts to have Chips installed in the heads of everyone so that they could collect residuals from folks thinking about their records and artists.

Actual CNN.com Headline; Earnhardt Report Won't Be 'Ho-Hum'. We're sure if they thought about it *just* a little longer, they could have come up with a slightly more tactless way to put this. How about 'Race To End Of Earnhardt Death Investigation Avoids Wall, Reaches Finish Line.'?

Note to TechTV; The Internet changes a lot, every day. So, you think maybe it's time to stop showing year-old Internet Tonight episodes that show and review Web-Sites that most probably don't exist anymore? Why not also review Intellivision games and show us Adam Computer Programming Tips, too?

Eesh, Dennis Miller is still on Monday Night Football. We're betting we're not getting that Pony or bed full of nude Supermodels, either. We're beginning to think that old guy wasn't a *real* Genie, especially when we stop to think of what we had to rub so we could make our wishes...

And that Millionaire fella once again failed to sail his balloon around the world. Here's a special note from us to you, pally: If you're going to do Death-Defying stunts like this, we think it's rather selfish of you to not die when you fail at it. You're sending wrong messages to all the other idiots out there. Just a thought.

The Biggest Boon to the Video Game Industry; Games That Have Endings. Yes, the better you are at the game, the *quicker* you're done, and the quicker more money gets inserted...

The Second Biggest Boon to the Video Game Industry; The "Continue" Option. Why get angry about multiple cheap shots from your opponents, when you can just pump in some more coins and pick up where you left off?

Some family out there is actually auctioning off the Naming Rights to their kid to the Highest Bidder, most probably hoping their kid ends up named "FORD" or "WINDOWS". Might we suggest a more obvious choice, like "CHILD WELFARE SOCIETY"?

"It's a Summer Replacement Series" :Translation: "Hey, you can watch this, or you can watch that re-run of NYPD Blue that we just showed 3 weeks ago".

"It's a Summer Replacement Series" :Translation: "When it crashes and burns, and we cancel it, that'll be our story.".

OK, New Rule; You block the aisle in the grocery store with your cart, we get to paw through it and help ourselves to anything in it. And that includes purses and kids.

Actual Sign on a Local Gym; "Summer Special - You'll break a sweat during our workout, or your money back!" Yeah, we can see where making people sweat in the summer would be something you'd have to guarantee, being so hard to pull off...

Incoming Clue Alert; If, for some reason, you're caught with a hooker in your car, saying "But Officer, I was just giving her a lift" never, ever works.

Okay, exactly why the hell is is considered news when political parties fight over something? "Dems, GOP fight over budget". Gosh, really?

Scientists have re-discovered the secrets of smelting Damascus Steel, the secret super-strong metallurgy process that gave folks in the Middle East superior weapons and armor back in the Day. Yeah, who the hell cares about AIDS and cancer cures and such? We need the secret to centuries-old steel, dammit!

TNN's Ultimate Revenge! or What Do You Mean Our Broadcast Insurance Doesn't Cover Cardiac Episodes?.

Note to VH1: We probably would have enjoyed the Hundred Most Shocking Moments In Rock And Roll History a lot more if the screen wasn't blocked about 40% of the time with Pop-Up ads for Strange Frequency. We didn't want to see your Twilight Zone rip-o...uh, Take Off in the first place. Ruining a fine afternoon of enjoying other people's pain made us want to see it even less.

Ah, Underdog episodes on DVD. And let's hope whoever's releasing them doesn't do the same idiotic thing that was done when Underdog was shown on our local 5-watt UHF station; Cutting out all the scenes of Our Hero taking his Super Energy Pill, because those scenes "Glorified Drug Use.".

A quick Birthday wish to Isaac Hayes, who we're sure wishes he could go back in time and stop himself from writing the "Theme From Shaft", so as to save the world from hundreds of bad Karaoke singers torturing innocent people with it. Well, unless he gets residuals for all those performances, in which case we're sure he couldn't care less about punctured eardrums...

Yes, we were aware that the Anniversary of Elvis' death just passed. And yes, we have heard all the Jelly Donut/Pill jokes. Including this one.

Balthayzr prefers I Can't Believe It's Not Butter on his hair.

Return to HGNews